Painful Reminders
by obsessed1
Summary: Sheppard is forced back to active service for two months. On returning to Atlantis is the strain proving too much? SHEP WHUMP
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer:** Not mine.

_Oh dear, I'm writing two fics side by side. _

_This story addresses Afghanistan. It's a kind of past, present type thing. It's not entirely aimless but it has a lot of possible routes._

_So read and review and let me know if it's worth continuing._

_It's SHEP WHUMP, so that might influence you a little._

---------

As Sheppard entered the gate room he reflexively checked his tactical vest and handgun. He shoved his 9mil into his calf holster and gave the room a scan with a puzzled look.

They were scheduled for an off world mission at 0700 hours, but he was lacking one crucial element.

His team.

He spotted Elizabeth waiting for him on the bottom step leading up to gate control. Her lips were formed into a thin hard line and she had an air of hesitancy to her stance today.

"Please tell me I haven't lost my mind," said Sheppard.

"You haven't," said Elizabeth, "Your team have already left."

She saw his jaw tense and his eyebrows shot up a second later to complete the baffled expression, "Want to tell me why?"

"The Daedalus arrived this morning. You have a visitor," she said wrapping her arms around herself protectively.

Sheppard crossed his arms over his P90, "Couldn't it wait till when I got back? The Danians have been dealing with me directly."

"Major Lorne is heading your team. I'm sure he'll be able to delegate in your absence."

Sheppard shook his head, "It took weeks to get them to trust us. And another week before they agreed to trade. So excuse me if I not too hopeful."

Elizabeth felt caught in the middle and she was only, in this case, the messenger, "Your visitor is waiting for you in the debriefing room," she said.

Sheppard unclipped his P90 and handed it to her. Elizabeth looked startled and then tried to adopt a more comfortable pose with the gun as Sheppard jogged up the steps and strode into the debriefing room.

He froze as soon as he entered the room and all of the self confidence, all of the bravado and any good mood seeped out of him. His heart caught in his chest and he had to mentally remind himself that breathing _wasn't_ optional.

"Sir?" he said and immediately saluted.

Across the debriefing room table, with his arms behind his back and a pose borne of respect, stood Sheppard's former Commanding Officer. "At ease Sheppard," he said, "Take a seat."

Sheppard sat down in the closest seat and rested his hands on top of the table.

Colonel Stark began to walk towards him with a slow, controlled pace and came to stand inches from Sheppard. He bent down and when he was at ear level he said, "I believe congratulations is in order, Lt Colonel Sheppard." He stood back up and began to pace around the table, "I have to admit to being surprised to hear that, considering your black mark."

Sheppard swallowed. He wasn't going to react. Stark had always hated him, especially since it was his order he had ignored in Afghanistan. His bullying tactics hadn't changed one bit, but Sheppard had.

"Why are you here?" asked Sheppard. He interlaced his fingers to keep them from fidgeting and looked up with as much calm as he could muster.

Stark smiled softly and then pulled out a white envelope from inside his military uniform. He placed it on the table, considered it for a moment, and then slid it across to Sheppard.

"What is this?" asked Sheppard before he had even touched it.

Stark didn't answer. He pulled up a chair at the farthest end of the table and sat down without a word.

Sheppard looked at the envelope. There was an embossed stamp at the top holding the Air Force insignia.

He opened it quickly, retrieved the letter within and devoured it in seconds.

Again, his heart skipped a beat and his stomach coiled.

He placed the letter down on the table and tried not to react to one particular sentence. _You are required to return to Afghanistan for active service._

His stomach knotted as he fixed eyes with Stark.

"I know what you're thinking," said Stark raising a pudgy finger, "You're thinking you're exempt because of this Commanding Officer job you have going here, but it doesn't work like that and you know it. You're obligated in every way."

Sheppard licked his lips, "We're under a lot of strain and pressure here. My presence is needed he-"

"Do you forget the order you disobeyed? Or the _consequences_ of that?"

Sheppard dropped his head and realised with dismay that he was fidgeting like a petulant child, "No Sir," he said, "I haven't forgotten."

Stark stood up with the same grace as a twenty year old and he was pushing sixty as it was, "Two months," he said, "We need you for one assignment and then you can return to your cushy job here."

Sheppard grit his teeth and swallowed back the venomous remark which threatened to roll off his tongue.

"That is if you don't _die_ out in the field."

"I'll need to discuss this with Doctor Weir," said Sheppard standing up.

Stark nodded, "I understand."

Sheppard turned to leave.

"Understand this Sheppard. I don't want you back in Afghanistan, but the anonymity this place affords you will be useful to the U.S military. Don't think your special son."

Sheppard headed to the door.

------------

In the time it took him to walk from the debriefing room to Elizabeth's office, Sheppard had built his confidence back up and managed to look calm and collected when he knocked on her door.

She beckoned him in and he seated himself opposite her before she could offer.

"Do you know what that was about?" asked Sheppard.

Elizabeth lowered the lid of her laptop, "Yes."

Sheppard nodded and scrubbed a hand over his face.

"Do you want to write me a sick note?" he asked.

"You are well within your rights not to go," said Elizabeth, "Atlantis is, kind of, an extenuating circumstance."

Sheppard held up a now unsteady hand and slowly shook his head, "I want Major Lorne to be my replacement."

"You're going," said Elizabeth and he couldn't help but notice her words were laced with disappointment.

"They need me for a couple of months," he said.

"The threat of the wraith hasn't vanished," said Elizabeth.

"Neither has the human element on earth," said Sheppard with a weary look her way, "Trust me. If I could stay here I would but I'm still a member of the Air Force."

"You're a member of the Atlantis expedition too," said Elizabeth.

"Two months," he said sitting up straight and leaning on his elbows, "And then I'll be back. Major Lorne is up to the task."

"Just ten minutes ago you weren't so sure he could negotiate a _trade_ deal."

Sheppard restrained his smile, "Well, I was being an ass ten minutes ago."

Elizabeth reclined in her seat, "Well, I guess you're going then. The Daedalus is here for another day. You'll be leaving Friday."

Sheppard stood up slowly, attempting to linger longer than was necessary. He didn't want to have to step out of the cool serenity of Elizabeth's office and out into the hostile breathing space of Colonel Stark.

"You just better come back," said Elizabeth, reopening her laptop.

Sheppard clung to the doorway a second before leaving and silently thanked her for saying that.

---------------------

Sheppard packed his bag methodically and deliberately slowly. A couple of t shirts, a pair of trousers…..he stopped and considered what he was packing. He was going to be back out on front lines for the next two months and it occurred to him that he had no idea what he would need. Hell, he didn't even know what his assignment was.

He was glad for the distraction when his door chimed.

He palmed it open and Mckay pushed past him and sat down on his bed before he had spoken, "So, you're leaving just like that?" he said throwing his hands up in the air dramatically.

Sheppard rolled his eyes, "Come in Rodney." He walked back over to his packing, regarded the bag with a scowl and then tossed it onto the floor. "I'll be back."

"You could die."

"I could die out here," said Sheppard, "I _have_ died out here." He shivered at the thought of the iratus bug and sat down in the chair by his bed.

Mckay was sulking. His chin was jutting out, his mouth was formed into a pout and his arms were crossed so tightly he could probably interlink his hands behind his back.

"You're needed here or have you forgotten that?"

Sheppard was getting tired of having to defend himself. Mckay wasn't the first person to assault his decision today and when he spoke, weariness pervaded every word, "No I _haven't_ forgotten. Look, I wouldn't expect you to understand but I have to do this."

"But you _don't_ have to," said Mckay swivelling around to confront him, "Can't you say no?"

"No," stated Sheppard simply and concisely.

"Yes exactly like that."

"Nice try Rodney."

"Major Lorne doesn't have as strong a gene as you."

"Ah, so you want me for my gene," said Sheppard, "I'm hurt."

"He won't engage in arguments."

"Are you saying I'm combative?"

"He doesn't tolerate my...quirks," said Mckay.

"You mean your whining?"

"You're useful to have around. What happens if you get killed out in...Where are you going?"

Sheppard remained tight-lipped.

"Okay, fine, you can't tell me, right, I see………where was I? Oh yes, if you die then your gene dies along with you."

"Rodney. I've had a hell of a day, and my former, well, my commanding officer is sleeping just down the hall from me. I'm not up for talking about this now."

"You never want to talk," snarked Mckay as he got up, "Sleep on this. You might think differently about it in the morning."

"I wont," said Sheppard.

"You might," said Mckay.

"I wont," said Sheppard. He got up to escort Mckay to the door.

"You'll have to wear a crappy uniform, sleep with dozens of other men, eat gruel, do basic training aga-"

"I won't change my mind," said Sheppard. He gave Mckay a light shove into the hall, said 'goodnight' and then closed the door to his quarters.

Sheppard leant against his door, closed his eyes and then let out a shaky breath. Obligation sucked.

TBC

_Please review._


	2. Chapter 2

Sheppard had had a leisurely breakfast in the commissary knowing that today would be his last one on Atlantis for a while. He'd sat in the corner and people watched for nearly an hour by the time he checked his watch. Today was going to be a busy day, what with helping Lorne find his feet as Commanding Officer and finishing up long over due mission reports. He was also going to make it his own personal mission to appease Mckay before he left. The scientist had been stubbornly ignoring him all morning and he didn't want to leave the base with any animosity. Even if animosity with Colonel Stark was going to be in his future for a while.

He deposited his tray and left the commissary to immediately have Colonel Stark fall into step beside him.

"Good morning Sir," he said as he unconsciously quickened his pace.

Stark gave him a curt nod before speaking without looking at him, "You busy?" he asked.

Two soldiers stepped around them and gave Sheppard and his superior an over the shoulder glance before continuing on their way.

"I've got a few loose ends to tie up," said Sheppard.

"Doctor Weir suggested that you give me a tour of the city." He didn't say whether he thought it was a good idea or not and let Sheppard ponder the suggestion.

"I'm sure I could find time to do that Sir," he said and side stepped one of the technicians, "If Doctor Weir suggested it."

Stark nodded, "I'd be interested to see Atlantis."

"Of course," said Sheppard. Their blanket conversation was beginning to aggravate him. Stark was obviously uncomfortable at having no role within _his_ city and was loathed to ask for a tour himself.

"Well, if you'll follow me," said Sheppard.

Stark deliberately took a step forward so that Sheppard had to keep up with him and the tour began.

After an hour and a half of walking Sheppard arrived at a set of doors, "And this-," he said stepping through and pointing to the south pier, "-Is one of the best views from Atlantis."

Colonel Stark looked out over the seascape, gave it the briefest of glances and then turned back to him, "Very nice, now how about you show me something of actual importance?" he said looking up at Sheppard with a steely gaze.

Sheppard shuffled from one foot to the other and activated the door, "Of course. What do you want to see? Generators? control room systems? strategic points of the city? our defensive plans? puddle jumpers? The cafeteria? the ladies changing rooms?"

"You never could take anything seriously, could you?" stated Stark as they walked down the corridor. "That smart ass attitude was _always_ going to get you in trouble."

Sheppard looked away as they walked, him all the while trailing behind like a child.

Stark stopped all of a sudden. "Take me to the gate room, show me the control systems and how it is you protect this city."

They walked in silence until they had got to the control room and Sheppard started to tell him what each panel was for. "Primary and secondary systems, this is the internal controls, external, defensive and tactical station. Communications. This is a life signs detector. It can show us anything which is inhuman" he paused, "You know like the wraith or anything else," he cleared his throat and extended his arm out towards the DHD, "And this is the dialling device for the stargate."

"Impressive," Stark said studying the DHD, "Very impressive."

"I think so," said Sheppard.

"When Colonel Sumner said he was moving up in the world, I didn't understand what he meant at the time. But now I see," he turned to Sheppard and didn't miss the pained expression which crossed his face.

Sheppard tried to avoid his eyes as Stark sought them out. He felt overwhelmed by guilt.

Guilt for Sumner and for Stark.

"I hear you've been breaking protocol again, not listening to your superiors," said Stark suddenly.

Sheppard felt his mouth drop open and steered Stark away from everybody's prying ears.

"So you've read the files already" stated Sheppard keeping his expression as neutral as possible.

"When I was informed by the General of the Air Force of your position here. I was naturally able to assess your recent performance."

Sheppard found his eyebrows shooting up. The General of the Air Force. It would appear that _somebody_ had gone over Starks head and Stark didn't like it.

"It surprises me that you have been the commanding officer here for so long. I'm astounded nobody intervened."

Sheppard rubbed his face wearily, "I was the next highest ranking Officer," he said and looked over Stark's shoulder to Weir who was watching them talk, "I have the experience of-"

"You don't follow the chain of command. How can you expect the people here, your military personnel to respect you, when you don't impart that you would do the same."

"Somehow I manage," he said looking down at the floor. "So you've read the files. What else do you want to talk about? Me waking up the wraith, shooting Sumner-"

"Colonel Sumner was a good friend of mine" he paused,

"I'm aware of that, but with all due respect Sir, you weren't there," said Sheppard exasperated.

"And you have made more than one questionable decision in the course of you being here."

"You don't leave-"

"-People behind. Son, I have heard this spiel before and-"

"Bullshit" and Sheppard and he thought he could hear the audible gasp of a collective crowd eavesdropping.

"And you would _still_ speak to your Commanding Officer with such little respect," he said and Sheppard began to feel like he was ten years old and being reprimanded for breaking a window with a baseball.

"Have you enjoyed your tour?"

Sheppard was grateful when he turned to see Elizabeth standing next to them.

Stark cut Sheppard a nasty look and then turned back to Elizabeth, "Doctor Weir, the tour has been most informative."

"I'm glad you enjoyed it," said Sheppard.

"Colonel Stark, perhaps you'd like to join me for a coffee in my office. I could answer any other questions you might have."

Stark put his hands behind his back in stereotypical military style, "After you. Sheppard," he said as he walked off.

"Colonel."

---------------

Sheppard knocked on the door to the lab before he entered and Mckay answered without even turning around from his desk, "Ah Lt Colonel Abandon Atlantis, I wondered when you would come down here."

Sheppard didn't react to the remark and strolled in, "What are you up to?"

Mckay craned his head around to the side, "Boring boring, staff evaluations," he said prodding the folder in front of him with his pen, "Do you think the evaluation of _pig ignorant_ is too harsh?"

Sheppard chuckled and dropped down onto one of the stools next to him. He picked up one of the files and read out another one of McKay's insights, "Likes to wear her spectacles on her head? That's a criticism?"

"Yes because she forgets they are there and then spends the next hour scrambling around trying to find them. Its annoying and distracting."

Sheppard picked up another file, "Cries when I insult her? Mckay, you cant submit these."

"I will," said Mckay grabbing the file back defensively, "If I cant be honest when I'm filling these things out then what's the point."

"And maybe they won't ask you to fill them out again," said Sheppard understanding Mckay's tactic.

"Well, I'm very busy and this is puerile." He dropped his pen on top of the pile, "So when are you leaving?"

"Tomorrow morning," said Sheppard. He reached across the table to a fresh pot of coffee and poured himself one.

"You didn't change your mind," said Mckay with a sigh.

"Sorry," offered Sheppard.

"Showering with other men, close quarters with other men, talking with jocks, _idiots_ the lot of them," he paused for breath, "You'll hate it."

"Its been part of my life since I was eighteen so somehow I think I'll cope."

"Has Lorne been informed of his duties?" he asked reaching across for his coffee and realising Sheppard had taken his cup.

"Yes he knows to insult you, goad you, engage in pointless arguments and be at your beck and call for any gene experiments."

Mckay snatched his coffee cup off Sheppard and looked at the liquid with disgust, "Good good, get another cup."

Sheppard waved a hand up, "Its okay. I'm off to a training session with Teyla anyway."

"Oh, so this is my allotted time for the day," said Mckay.

"No. I'm meeting up with some people tonight in the commissary for farewell drinks so I would appreciate it if you'd be there."

"I will if I'm not busy," said McKay.

Sheppard hopped off his stool and headed to the door, "Seven, don't be late."

----------------

Sheppard entered the training room and saw Teyla leaning over her gym bag and puling out her towel. She jerked up when he approached from behind and smiled, "Element of surprise?" she asked picking up her sticks.

Sheppard dropped his own bag down next to hers and grabbed his own set, "I'm trying to get you off guard," he said taking a swig of water before they started.

"So you leave us tomorrow?" she asked stepping onto the mat.

Sheppard walked onto his side of the mat and took up his fighting stance, "Yeah. You gonna try to convince me to stay too?"

"I believe you have your reasons for leaving us, if only for a while," she said and lunged forwards, swiping out at his leg. He moved away and watched as her skirt swished rhythmically towards him.

"I'm glad you understand."

"Oh, I don't," she said hitting his elbow when he failed to out manoeuvre her, "You are fighting your own people?"

Sheppard lunged forward and tapped her on her hip, "Earth is still fighting each other. I think they'd change their minds though if they knew what else was out here."

She ducked, swivelled and he missed a strike to the arm.

"But you would still willingly engage in such a fight?" she asked and took a step back. She twirled the sticks in an impressive manner. A style that Sheppard could never quite mimic with the same finesse. As usual he tried and ended up smacking himself in the nose, "Air Force," he stated simply and now nasally.

She nodded, "Well I hope you are careful," she said and thwacked him on his leg.

"I will be," he said and stopped dead when he saw who was standing in the doorway watching him.

Colonel Stark walked into the room as if he owned it.

"Perhaps you should get back into uniform" stated the elderly man. Sheppard winced and turned on his heel, twirling his sticks.

"I don't know what they told you, but things are a little different here and we're not expected to be in full uniform _all_ the time" he paused, "Especially when we're stick fighting."

"_Stick_ fighting," said Stark with a hint of mockery, "Don't you have any military issue work-out gear?"

Sheppard looked down at his Adidas sweats and trainers and back up to Stark, "All of my Atlantis T-shirts are In the wash, Sir."

"Colonel Stark, I am Teyla."

"An Athosian," said Stark. He took her hand and gave it a gentle shake, "Pleased to meet somebody so willing to cooperate with the American cause."

Sheppard flinched at his obvious disregard for the other countries helping on the expedition and the assumption that Teyla was caught up in an American dominated war.

"I think we're done Teyla," said Sheppard feeling his good mood wear thin.

Teyla seemed to sense it and nodded obligingly.

"Why don't you have a go against me?" he heard Stark ask reaching out for Teyla's sticks.

Sheppard put his hand up and said, "No I think I'll leave it to another day" he said, "I have things to do" He handed Teyla his sticks and walked towards the door.

"Oh, of course," said Stark smiling.

_That was it._ Sheppard walked back into the room and then held his hands out to Teyla for his sticks back. She offered them up without a comment and sat herself down on the bench.

"You sure you know how to do this?" said Sheppard moving the sticks in his hands and swinging them in what looked like an impressive display. He was thankful he didn't have a repeat of earlier and hit his face.

Stark moved the sticks in a similar fashion, but without answering lunged forward and tried to strike him. Sheppard dove to the side, managed to roll and get back to his feet, crouching low and ready to hit. However, he couldn't do it and hesitated. Stark struck down at his wrist and he reflexively dropped the stick. He winced, sucked in his breath and picked up the weapon without saying anything.

"You going easy on me?" asked Stark. "Because the enemy wont go easy on you." Sheppard didn't like the way that Stark was placing himself within the category of _his_ enemy.

Stark was sweating and a bead rolled down from his thick grey hair and down his cheek. Dark eyes glaring straight at his inferior he smiled, "_Don't_, come on, fight properly, otherwise there's no point"

"Then there's no point" said John standing up straight.

"What are you a wimp? How in the hell did you get into the army?" he laughed and the pitch and tone of his voice made Sheppard close his eyes tightly. He could feel the anger boiling up inside of him and turned, "Okay," he nodded and moved forward to strike to the left. It was blocked and a strike came from his right, he blocked it and crouched low to avoid an overhead swing.

From the floor he jabbed upwards at his Commanding Officers gut and he grunted as the stick struck flesh. The look in Stark's eye told him that he wouldn't go unpunished for that cheap shot and another swish and he ducked a stronger, firmer blow.

He smiled, "You missed me," but wished he had shut up when a stick swiped up at his chin. He saw stars momentarily and his eyes snapped open as he looked at Stark.

He was smiling. Pleased with the shot.

Sheppard bought his hand up and was surprised when it came away red. He could feel the blood dripping down his neck and could hear the splat as droplets hit the floor.

"Colonel Sheppard are you-" began Teyla.

Sheppard turned to her and held his hand up, "I'm fine," he said wiping at his chin and wincing when in stung, "Its nothing."

Stark stood in front of him and dropped the sticks to the ground with a clatter. Sheppard mimicked him and stood there breathing heavily.

"How are your skills at armed combat?" he asked simply.

Sheppard scanned over the older man. He was in his prime for a man of around 60. He had muscular shoulders and arms, a taught stomach, a full head of hair and a barely wrinkled face. Years of being a Colonel, sitting behind a desk and only occasionally fighting had paid dividends. Sheppard wondered if he would look as young when he was that old.

Stark stepped forwards and bought his hands up in front of his face. His right fist very slightly in front of his left fist. Sheppard did the same but again hesitated. He wanted to beat the shit out of the man before him, but he couldn't help but feel this was wholly unnatural.

He found himself punching first, a right hook, which missed, and hit air. He dragged his hand back quickly to protect his face and curled inwards very slightly to avoid a blow from in front of him. He ducked again and swung his left out, a quick jab which hit flesh but didn't do damage. It was a gentle reminder that he could hit him if he wanted to. Starks reminder wasn't so gentle and he felt the punch rip into his side and knock the wind from his lungs.

Angry and breathing heavily he found himself going to his knees, he swung out his left leg and hooked it behind Starks, then with a push he managed to get him to the ground.

It didn't get the response he wanted. Stark instead laughed and pushed himself up onto his elbows, "Good. Dirty tactics," he said getting to his knees.

Sheppard ground his teeth and clenched his jaw. He breathed in a ragged breathe before answering," Lets just say I learnt from a pro."

Sheppard narrowly avoided being taken to the floor and Stark continued, he laughed and hit out again. His fist struck Sheppard in the face and he stumbled back into Teyla. She was now standing and stood between to the two men who were panting, "Stop it, both of you" she said, "Enough is enough. I came down here to train you and you have turned it into a-"

"A pissing contest," said Sheppard hanging his head down and feeling quite ashamed that Teyla had had to watch their display.

He probed his mouth with his tongue and could taste blood. He shook his head, "Its over," he said to Stark and picked up his gym bag and left.

------------------

Sheppard was angry, so incredibly angry that when he walked passed one of the other training rooms he had to go in and let off some steam. He walked into the room, threw down his bag and stormed over to the hanging boxing bag. He began hitting it as hard as he could. He was beginning to sweat when that damn training dummy caught his eye.

It was staring at him and looking so god damned smug that he forgot all about the punch bag, strolled over to it and punched it in the face, repeatedly. He felt the sting of his knuckles as skin tore off and only stopped when he heard someone come in. Elizabeth was stood watching him, arms crossed and she was shaking her head, "You know there's a punch bag," she said indicating to it with a nod.

Sheppard nodded, "I know," he paused, "But I kinda wanted to hit something with a face," he punched the dummy again, "And seen as it would be highly wrong for me to punch out Colonel _Shark,_ this will have to do." He punched it again and the head rolled off the dummy and onto the floor.

He hung his head and was still for a moment, "We need a new dummy."

"John. You want to talk about this?"

Sheppard turned to Elizabeth, bought his bleeding knuckle up and sucked at the wound, "No, I don't want to talk about it," he said and picked up his bag and left.

-----------------------------------

Beckett had found Sheppard in his infirmary trying to put a butterfly stitch on his chin. He was having trouble as it was a rather fiddly job and was cursing wildly when he stepped up behind the young man, "Can I help you?"

"Jesus," he said jumping. Without turning towards him he said, "I'm fine, nothing serious."

"Well I'll be the judge of that," said Beckett and he pulled the Colonel round to face him. He was surprised when he saw the bleeding gash under his chin and the reddened bruise which was beginning to appear just to the side of his eye. It wasn't a bad one but it was still noticeable, "What the hells been going on here?" he questioned examining his wound and guiding Sheppard over to a bed.

"Just some sparring that got a little heated," he stated looking off to the far side of the room, not looking Beckett in the eye.

Beckett reached for his penlight and looked in Sheppard's eyes. He asked him to follow the light but Sheppard just swatted his hand away.

"Did Teyla do this?"

"Teyla, god no," said Sheppard watching as Beckett put some gloves on and reached for a sterile wipe, "Well who then?"

"Colonel Stark," said Teyla as she walked in from the dark corridor.

Sheppard sighed and lowered his gaze to his boots. Beckett tilted his chin back up towards the ceiling, and tried to clean the wound, "A bit rough," he questioned.

"Yeah, that's his way" said Sheppard fidgeting in an uncomfortable manner, "Are you done?"

"I just need to put a butterfly stitch on this" he said, "Any headaches, nausea?"

"I haven't got concussion," stated Sheppard and he jumped off the bed when he felt that Beckett had finished with the stitch.

------------------

Sheppard was surprised at just how many people had turned up to say goodbye to him when he entered the commissary. All eyes were on him as he entered the room and a bottle of beer was thrust into his hands as he pushed through the crowds to Mckay, Teyla and Ronon. He sat down with them and gulped down some of the beer.

He was taken aback when he saw Elizabeth pushing her way towards them, "John," she said.

"What happened to your face?" asked Mckay. He took a sip of his drink and watched him over the top of his glass.

Sheppard unconsciously bought a hand up to his chin, "Oh sparring. _Not_ Teyla," he interjected.

Mckay sighed, "Well it's a nice leaving present, whoever it was from."

Sheppard nodded and swigged on his bottle, "I'll treasure it always."

Beckett sat down on a chair he had pulled up and reached for a bottle of beer himself, "Bloody long day," he muttered and downed half the bottle, "I've left Casey in charge so everything should _now_ be under control and out of my hands for tonight."

"You deserve a break now and then Carson," said Elizabeth. She appeared to only be drinking orange juice as far as Sheppard could tell.

"Well, to Sheppard," said Mckay standing up and trying to speak over raucous laughter, "May he return not dead."

Sheppard rolled his eyes, clinked glasses and downed his beer, "Thanks guys. I really appreciate this."

"Wouldn't have it any other way," said Ronon. He regarded the drink in his hand with scrutiny and then took a generous slurp.

"Just be careful," said Mckay. Sheppard realised he was serious and nodded.

"Just don't forget about me," said Sheppard, "Remember, two months so I expect to have the same quarters when I get back. _Elizabeth_," he warned.

"What?" she asked innocently, "Yours is south facing. Why would I want a south facing room?"

"Because is has a kick ass balcony off the bathroom, that's why," said Sheppard. He reached for his second beer.

"I don't ever see my quarters. I think I live in the infirmary," said Beckett with a small smile.

"And I live in my lab," said Mckay holding up his drink.

Sheppard was enjoying the jovial atmosphere. Enjoying the company of his friends and was almost sorry as the night wore on, and his friends started to say their goodnights, that he would be leaving it all.

At the end of the night, the crowds had dispersed and Sheppard was 'goodbyed out'. He and Mckay sat in the commissary playing cards and drinking the remaining beers.

"So, you wont die then?" said Mckay rather drunkenly.

Sheppard put down his card and looked up, "I promise not to die."

"Good," said Mckay, "Because we cant have that."

Sheppard dropped his cards with a triumphant smile, "Flush, beats your-" he looked at Mckay's cards, "What are those?"

"I thought we were playing _go fish_," said Mckay.

Sheppard shook his head and clinked glassed with Mckay, "Cheers."

"Right," said Mckay getting up slowly, "I am off to my abode. I shall bid you adieu and see you early in the morning for awkward _manly_ goodbyes."

Sheppard gave him a little wave, "You alright to get back to your room?" he asked when he noticed Mckay was staggering a bit.

"Are you implying I'm drunk?" asked Mckay nearly tripping over a chair. He laughed to himself and whirled around to face the door and nearly collided with Stark, "Night good Sheppard."

"Night," said Sheppard and he began gathering up the cards. A shadow descended over his table and he looked up to Stark.

"Don't you think you should be resting up for tomorrow?" asked Stark.

He picked up one of the empty bottles on the table and looked at the meagre contents.

"I'm not so sure drinking on base is entirely appropriate? Do you?"

"I'm leaving for two months," said Sheppard.

"_Sir_," his superior corrected him.

"Sir," said Sheppard standing up a bit shakily. His legs felt a bit rubbery and he realised that he'd been affected by the alcohol more than he had thought, "I'm leaving tomorrow. They just wanted to say their goodbyes in case I don't make it back."

"You probably wont," said Stark dropping the bottle in the trash on the way out, "Bright and early Soldier," he said before disappearing around the corner.

TBC

_REVIEW PLEASE………_

_Oh and he'll be back in Atlantis soon so don't be put off._


	3. Chapter 3

"Sir, we're ready for you."

Sheppard looked up at the Airmen, saluting in front of him, and his mind drifted back to the last time he had heard that.

It had been the last time he had been on Atlantis.

"I'll be right with you," he said as he stiffly stood up from his cot. He took in a calming breath to ease nerves he didn't even know he had.

His goodbyes on Atlantis had been quick. His friends had looked at him as though he wouldn't be coming back and he had been looking back at them thinking the same.

"_Major Lorne, make sure you look after my city," he had said and given the man a firm handshake._

"_Your city," Elizabeth said with a wide grin._

"_Our city," he'd corrected._

"_Just make sure you return Sir," said Lorne._

_He gave Teyla a hug and she had told him to take care of himself._

"_Ronon," he said acknowledging the bigger man._

"_Sheppard."_

"_Beckett," he had given the Scot a hug._

"_Make sure you look after each other out there." He paused for a second, "And make sure you have a fully stocked first aid kit and-"_

"_I will." He had said._

_He'd turned to Mckay and he had a nonchalant look on his face which he couldn't seem to master. He gave him a hug and made him promise yet again that he would come back alive, "Or I'll kill you myself," he'd said._

_Sheppard had turned to Elizabeth last. He noted that she looked sad and lost. She gave him a lingering hug and he whispered into her ear to listen to Lorne and be careful._

_Then he had turned and walked away and had been berated by Stark for inappropriately hugging the commander of the expedition. _

He now wished those goodbyes had been longer.

He smoothed down his uniform of standard Air Force BDU's and readjusted his hold on his P90.

He methodically checked his side arm again. Not _his_ side arm but one issued to him. He missed his own weapon, the way it felt moulded to his fingers and the character it exuded, from the scrape on the base from a stumble running away from the wraith to the tiny chip on the bottom right corner.

This weapon felt alien to him and right now the symbiotic relationship he had with his gun seemed vital.

He scrubbed a hand over his face and remembered the tape on his middle finger and his bruised face simultaneously. With a hiss he pulled it back from the tender area around his eye and cursed those responsible.

Coming back to Afghanistan, whatever his reasons, had been a poor choice. It wasn't like he remembered at all.

He strode out of barracks, past the other neatly made beds and out into the harsh sunlight of the desert where his men were assembled and waiting for him.

Afghanistan. The acrid heat, the dust and the sound of distant gunfire.

He could see his 'little bird' tactical Helicopter behind them waiting to accommodate him and his five men.

As he stood before his team and pulled on his sunglasses he felt the presence behind him and didn't react. Their shadow blotted out his and he couldn't help but think that it was mildly poetic.

"Remember, you're on my time now," he heard Stark say, "You listen to me when you're out there. No deviating." He moved close and Sheppard could feel his hot breath by his ear, "You understand?"

"Yes Sir," said Sheppard coldly.

He flexed his fingers. Thankfully his dislocated finger was not on his gun hand.

"You're clear to go," said Stark stepping back.

Sheppard took a step forward, "You heard the Colonel. Lets go."

He knew his assignment.

It was time to go.

---------------------------

2 MONTHS 3 WEEKS LATER

Elizabeth had received word that the Daedalus would be arriving within the hour and had made sure the relevant people were informed. She'd paced her office, caught up on as many reports as she could and had played solitaire, all the while waiting for that initial spark of static in her ear before Caldwell informed her that they would be setting the Daedalus down.

"Is it here yet?"

She looked up to see Mckay standing in her doorway. He had his hands together and was wringing them for all their worth.

"No Rodney," she said switching off her game of solitaire.

"Because it's been an hour now," he said.

"I know."

"Perhaps something happened to them." Mckay started to pace back and forth.

Elizabeth nodded and stood up, "We'll be the first to-"

"_Doctor Weir, this is Caldwell."_

"Is that them?" Mckay hissed at her.

Elizabeth held a finger at him and turned away, "Colonel, we were getting worried."

"_We had some minor problems with our engines on the way but they've been fixed. I'm going to need a medical team waiting at the hangar when we dock."_

"Who's injured?" she asked as Mckay continued to bob and weave around her trying to get her attention.

"_Colonel Sheppard."_

"Is he okay?" she asked. She was already beginning to worry.

Mckay stepped to her right, "What's he saying?"

"_Colonel Sheppard collapsed on the bridge. He insists he's fine but I thought it wouldn't hurt to be cautious."_

"Okay," said Elizabeth, "I'll have a team on standby. See you in a minute."

She clicked off.

"Well?" Mckay asked, "What's going on?"

"Beckett?"

"_Yes Doctor Weir."_

"I need a medical team down to the southern hangar bay to receive one Colonel John Sheppard."

"_What's he done now?"_ Beckett asked suddenly exasperated.

"I have no idea. All I know is that he collapsed on the bridge."

"_Okay, I'll get down there."_

"Sheppard collapsed?" asked Mckay.

"Come on, let's get down there and welcome him back."

"He's not going to be in the best of moods you realise?" asked Mckay as he followed her.

TBC

_Sorry it's a short chapter. Can't seem to write at the moment. You know when you know how you want a story to turn out but you just can't see the way to making it right?_

_But I wanted to give you all something to let you know I am still writing it._

_I sometimes think being a prolific poster is a bad thing, because if you miss one post, you think people lose interest._

_Oh and You'll find out more about Afghanistan as you go along. _


	4. Chapter 4

"I'm _fine_ Beckett," said Sheppard from the infirmary bed. He swung his legs over the edge and as one foot touched the floor he felt a hand restrain him.

"You collapsed and I want to find out why," said Beckett, his frustration showing on his face.

"It's nice to see you too Beckett," said Sheppard as he pulled his leg back up.

"Its good to have you back son. Have you had all these cuts checked out?" he asked indicating to the ones he had on his cheekbone. That one had required stitches.

He also had a laceration on his neck and various bruising.

"Yes," said Sheppard like a recalcitrant child. He crossed his arms over his chest and winced.

"What's that?" asked Beckett as he took off the blood pressure cuff.

"Nothing," said Sheppard, "It's been looked at by-"

Too late. Beckett lifted up his t-shirt and he heard him make a cluck noise with his tongue.

Beckett could see that Sheppard's ribs were bound up tight, around which there was extensive, and obviously painful, bruising. "How did you do this?"

Sheppard avoided the question and carefully moved his hand back.

"And I _noticed_ the taped fingers Colonel," said Beckett. He stood up straight and shook his head, "What have you been doing?"

Sheppard again averted his gaze, "So how has everyone been?"

Beckett grabbed his stethoscope and listened to Sheppard's breathing, "Breathe in. They've all been well. There was a nasty case of the flu going around a few weeks back."

"Nothing exciting? No discoveries?" Sheppard probed.

"Breathe out. Well I'm sure Mckay will be able to tell you about that."

"They discovered something?" said Sheppard, his tone slightly deflated.

"Your breathing sounds fine. Don't worry Colonel. Nothing exciting happened while you were gone."

Sheppard smiled again, "Good."

"You'll have to keep an eye on your ribs and av-"

"Avoid any strenuous activity. I know. I had the same spiel on earth."

"Are you in any pain?"

"No," said Sheppard pulling his t-shirt back down.

"Any idea why you collapsed?" asked Beckett watching him carefully.

Sheppard shook his head, "Exhaustion? They had some problems with the engines. I helped with some of the diagnostics and what not. Maybe I overdid it."

"Maybe you did. How's earth?"

"The same," said Sheppard wanting to get off the subject quickly.

Sheppard turned and watched as Mckay and Elizabeth entered the infirmary. Both of them were smiling from ear to ear and quite frankly, they were creeping him out a bit.

"Hey," he said getting up off the bed and giving Mckay a hand shake and Elizabeth a brief hug.

He could see that they were both checking out his bruises and cuts and he tried to tilt his head away.

"You look _different_," said Elizabeth.

Sheppard ran a hand through his hair, "The hair right?" he said, "Yeah it wasn't regulation so they had to cut some off." His hair was a lot shorter than usual and she could tell that he was bristling slightly at the fact he'd had to cut it.

"You guys looks well," said Sheppard.

"Which is more than I can say for you?" said Mckay craning his head to see the bruising on Sheppard's neck.

Sheppard tried to appear as if he hadn't noticed he was under scrutiny and asked, "Where's Teyla and Ronon?"

"Off-world," said Elizabeth, "They went to negotiate some trades on Parthos,"

"Oh," said Sheppard.

"They'll be back tonight for your party."

"Party?" Sheppard raised a quizzical eyebrow.

"We figured you're owed one night of unadulterated fun," said Mckay.

"So, why were you bought to the infirmary?" Elizabeth asked staring past Sheppard to look at Beckett.

"Exhaustion," said Beckett whilst Sheppard rolled his eyes theatrically.

"Maybe I just wanted a free ride into Atlantis," he said with a grin.

"Well, I'm glad you're okay," said Elizabeth, her eyes lingering on him for a moment.

Elizabeth reacted to her radio and then turned back to the two men, "That's Caldwell. I better go speak to him. John, it's _really_ good to have you home."

"I'm glad to be back too."

She left and he and Mckay stood awkwardly for a minute.

Mckay finally smiled and slapped him on the back, "Glad to be back?"

Sheppard reacted to the thud on his ribs and grimaced, "Great. So Doc, can I go?"

Beckett was writing down something on his chart, "Yes, yes. If you're in any pain let me know. I can prescribe you something."

Sheppard smiled and walked over to Beckett and gave him a pat, "Thanks Doc."

As he and Mckay left the infirmary McKay turned to him and asked, "What was that about?"

"Broke my ribs," he said, "So you found anything exciting while I've been away?"

"Found a few strange devices down in the western wing. How did you break your ribs?"

"Cool, lets go touch them and see what they do." Sheppard continued to walk but Mckay stopped. The fact that Sheppard had avoided his question, hadn't been lost on him. There was also something different about him and it was almost imperceptible, but it was definitely there.

"Colonel, are you okay?"

Sheppard stopped walking and turned back, "Yeah."

"Its just you seem, a little -."

"A little," Sheppard prodded.

"A little……. strange." He swallowed and grimaced at his inability to convey what he really meant.

"I admit I'm a little wired," said Sheppard, "I missed this place."

"Really?"

"Yeah," he said with a genial smile, "Ah actually, forget the touching of devices. I'd better go find Lorne and congratulate him on a fine job." He started to walk off but stopped again, "He did _do_ a good job didn't he?"

Mckay caught up with him, "Yeah, like I said it was pretty quiet around here."

---------------------

It had been a long day and he still had his welcome back party to attend. Sheppard entered his quarters and stopped in the middle of the room to look around. His belongings had been untouched, if a little dusty, and though they were familiar to him they felt strangely alien.

Being back was stirring up some unusual emotions for him. His little trip home had effected him more than he was willing to admit to himself. Even as he looked at his own belongings and his various paraphernalia from Atlantis, he felt dislocated. He had to mentally force himself to be there and not be back in Afghanistan where his brain seemed trapped.

He dropped his bag onto his bed and zipped it open solemnly, ignoring the tug on his ribs as he leant forwards.

He tipped it upside down and looked at the contents, before plucking out a beige T-shirt and fingering the hole in the shoulder. He dropped it back onto the bed with a long sigh.

All of a sudden a wave of nausea washed over him, he ran into his bathroom, skidding to a stop by the toilet and leant over as he waited for the inevitable. He retched once but produced nothing and sank back onto his heels whilst nausea rippled through him. When he realised he wasn't going to be sick, he got up and went over to the basin to wash his face. His hands were shaking as the water slicked over him and he caught his reflection in the mirror.

He hated his hair. It was too damn short. Stark had delighted in that being his first official duty as Sheppard's Commanding Officer again. He had instructed him to make it more regulation and regulation he had made it. It wouldn't take long for it grow out, but until it did he would have the vestiges of his time away following him around the base and he just wanted to forget about earth and his men and-

He swallowed against a lump in his throat and breathed out heavily to abate his nausea.

He checked his watch and saw that there was still an hour to go before he would be pushed into the social limelight and into forced composure.

He walked back into the main body of his room, pushed the contents of his bag onto the floor and flopped down backwards to stare at the ceiling for an hour.

-------------------

Loud chatter, music, clinking glasses and laughter greeted Sheppard as he walked towards the gate-room. He was still surprised that Elizabeth had sanctioned use of their most prized room for a party. He scanned over the crowd as he descended the steps and caught Elizabeth's eyes.

"What do you think?" she asked, passing him a beer.

"Beer?" he said with a raised eyebrow and took a sip, "Who's in charge whilst this goes on?"

"Me," she said, "I'm not drinking, and Lorne is continuing his activities as acting commanding officer."

"Ah, so you're the prom supervisor," he said with a glint in his eye.

"The others are over here," she said guiding him through the throngs of people.

Somebody pulled a party popper next to him and without thinking he crouched down, putting his hands over his head and closing his eyes. There was a brief ripple of laughter and Sheppard felt Elizabeth tugging on his arm, "Are you okay?" she asked looking him up and down.

Sheppard stood slowly, peeling some of the string from the popper off his t-shirt and smiled, "Yeah, just thought for a moment-" he paused not continuing to say he thought it was an explosion, "Just, caught me off guard."

She smiled, forehead creasing and then continued to pull him over to a food table where the others had gathered.

"Teyla," he said approaching her and giving her a hug.

"Colonel, It's good to have you back," she said repositioning the cake she had in her hand.

"Ronon" he said.

Ronon gave his trademark silent nod.

"Wow," he said turning in a circle and raising his beer to gesture, "This is some party. I just hope nobody comes through the gate."

"We have no team's off-world and we've put the gate on answer machine, so feel free to have a night of freedom," said Elizabeth picking up a plate and plucking through the food.

Beckett stood next to her and put some snacks onto a plastic plate.

Mckay came up beside Sheppard and gave him a nudge, "Well?"

"Impressive," said Sheppard letting his eyes dance around the room. He couldn't quite relax and found his methodical scans of the room were more out of concern for security than for social reasons. He was feeling uncomfortable with the amount of people crammed into this one area. If anything happened he wouldn't be able to get them out of here quickly enough. They'd probably be tripping over their own feet at the mercy of alcohol.

"Hey, relax. One night isn't going to kill you," he heard Mckay say and realised that he must have noticed his stiffened stance.

Sheppard turned to him, raised his bottle and then had a generous drink.

--------------------

As Ronon and Mckay staggered down the corridors supporting Sheppard's weight between them Mckay wondered how Sheppard had let himself get into this state. He never advocated drinking amongst his men even if they were off duty but tonight it seemed like all he wanted to do was blot out his surroundings.

Sheppard was mumbling incoherently between them, saying something about not feeling well, before going quiet and slipping back into unconsciousness.

Over the course of the night people had started to drift off and after most people had left, Sheppard had still been sitting on the bottom of the gate room steps drinking.

All night he had been silent and distant and Mckay had wondered if it was symptomatic of a deeper problem.

Mckay and Ronon had stayed back after the Colonel insisted but it had been getting late, even for Mckay.

"Well, I'm going to hit the sack," Mckay had said getting up slowly.

Sheppard had pulled a face and attempted to stand against a wave of booze related dizziness, "Nah, come on Rodney. It's not time for bed yet. It's still early." He'd been like that all night. He wanted everyone who left, even strangers, to stay back to drink and keep him company. It was as if he was avoiding his room and sleep.

"Correction, it _is_ early," Mckay had said with a sigh, "And as you know I have important work to attend to in the morning," he'd had to correct himself, "Today."

Sheppard had raised the bottle he had in his hand and taken a drunken step back, "Oh come on, lets play some cards or something." He stood swaying slightly.

"You're drunk. When Elizabeth said enjoy yourself I don't think she meant get hammered," Mckay had informed him, stepping over to him and lowering his voice. He'd looked up to see that the morning relief staff were coming onto the clock. It would only be a matter of time before Elizabeth would be coming down for the morning.

It was time to get Sheppard to bed.

"Boring," slurred Sheppard before pitching backwards.

And here they were, attempting to keep him upright, his legs dangling ineffectually between them refusing to make solid contact with the ground.

Mckay had no doubts as to how ridiculous they looked carrying Atlantis' commanding officer between them.

Sheppard groaned again, "Get off," he said struggling for a moment before slouching back into their hold.

"Can't handle his drink," said Ronon in an emotionless voice.

"I don't know why he's doing this," said Mckay tripping when Sheppard's foot got tangled in his.

Sheppard raised his head, "Are you guys coming to play cards?"

"No," said Mckay in an irritated voice, "Definitely not."

Sheppard scowled and dropped his head, "I feel like I'm gonna puke."

"Not here and not on me," said Mckay.

"If he blows I'm leaving," said Ronon hauling Sheppard up.

"If he blows so will I, I can't stand-" he stopped and shook his head.

Sheppard was looking greener by the minute but it seemed his stomach contents were going to stay firmly in place. For now at least.

They eventually reached his quarters and carried him over to his bed where they laid him down on his back.

Mckay pulled off his shoes, tutting as he put them to the side of the bed.

Sheppard rolled over onto his side, his one arm dangling over the edge as he mumbled gently.

"Should we leave him?" asked Ronon.

"He just needs to sleep it off," said Mckay.

They watched as Sheppard rolled over again as he slept restlessly, forehead creasing in pain.

Mckay shared a look with Ronon, before shaking his head and leaving the room. He threw one last glance over his shoulder as Sheppard groaned.

"What the hell happened to you?" he said as the door closed behind him.

_TBC_

_Updates will be less regular with this fic, but this story will definitely get finished._

_Hope its reading well and conveying what I want to convey._

_Please review._

_Thanks._


	5. Chapter 5

_Thank you to Rogue1503 for her inspiration. You've been the light at the end of that very long tunnel._

-----------------

Sheppard had awoken that morning, sprawled across his bed, arms dangling to the floor, covers twisted around him, but fully clothed. As he lifted his head his morning was further diminished by the realisation that not only did he have the hangover from hell, but he could also remember, with startling clarity, his behaviour from the previous night.

He got up slowly, careful not to jar his head and aggravate the pin pricks of pain shooting behind his eyes and scrubbed a hand wearily over his face.

He'd got drunk, been embarrassingly needy and had had to be carried back to his room, and further investigation to the smell that pervaded his nostrils, he had also thrown up on his floor.

"Just great," he muttered as he staggered through to his bathroom to get something to clear it up. He knelt down and started to scrub away the smell and the stain, all the while, trying to stifle dry heaves.

He needed a nice hot shower to burn away the memories, a hot meal to fill his stomach and he needed to apologise for his actions. He felt like an ass.

-----------------------

Sheppard approached Elizabeth's office in a series of stages. First he entered the gate room and walked over to one of the consoles to 'ask' if anything was going on that needed his attention, all the while throwing sneaky glances towards her office. Then he strolled nonchalantly over to the balcony to look down at the gate, casting another salubrious peek her way. And then he strode up to her door and gave the outside window a little knock, which hurt his head, and entered to sit down in the chair opposite her.

"Morning," she said as she looked up from her reports.

"Hi," he said and sat forward in his chair.

"I heard you had a good night," she said with a small smile. He couldn't tell if she was being sarcastic or genuine.

"Yeah, about that. I want to apologise for my behaviour last night. It will never happen again." He kept his voice low in case any prying ears were listening. The rumour mill worked overtime in Atlantis and he didn't need his exploits to be spread to the outer reaches of the city. He had barely managed to contain respect as it was.

"It was your night off," she stated simply, "Though I agree. Less is sometimes more." She studied the troubled expression gracing his face and the dark circles under his eyes, "You want to talk about it?"

He met her eyes, "I would love to," he said and then turned his attention down to his taped fingers. He smoothed down one of the pieces of tape that had managed to become unstuck and then looked up again, "But I can't."

"Cant?" she asked. She leant forward on her desk and clasped her hands together.

"I have my orders," he said. He hated this top secret bullshit. As far as he was concerned his Intel was Intel she needed to know, but the military bureaucrats wanted to keep everything hush hush and it didn't extend as far as the Pegasus galaxy.

"I understand."

"Thank you."

"I can debrief you on what's happened here in your absence if you want? That is, if you're not too hung-over." She smiled to let him know that it was playful chiding.

Sheppard nodded, "Yeah sure." She began to speak but he was just watching her mouth move, forming different curves and shapes and not hearing the sounds. He was distracted; too tired to tell her so and instead he found his mind drifting back to his first briefing with Stark all those months ago.

_The journey on the Daedalus had not been a pleasant one. Being stuck in closed confinement with Colonel Stark hadn't been Sheppard's idea of fun. Stark had berated him on past missions, somehow he had gained access to their reports, he had told him none succinctly that he would have to get his hair cut to make it regulation and he had warned that he wouldn't be well received when he arrived in Afghanistan. After all, he had disappeared for a long time, and was now going to be returning with a promotion and no flight time in his log. People would ask questions as to how that was even possible._

_The SGC was unfamiliar to Sheppard. He'd only been there a handful of times and he never really felt as though he belonged there. As he was led down to a lower section of Cheyenne Mountain, he smoothed down his Atlantis uniform and realised he wouldn't be wearing it for a while._

_He arrived at a door and was ushered inside by Stark. There were two men sitting behind a table, coffee mugs steaming at their hands and reports strewn about in front of them._

"_Lt Colonel Sheppard."_

_They didn't supply names, just offered him a seat, and ploughed into the briefing as if he were just another superfluous piece of paperwork._

_Stark stood behind him like his shadow, watching proceedings with his arms crossed._

"_I'm sure you're wondering why you've been recalled to earth," one of the men spoke without looking up._

_Sheppard clasped his hands together and acknowledged both men when he said, "I must admit. I'm a little curious."_

"_You should be a little more than…curious," said Stark from behind him._

"_As I'm sure you're aware this matter will be on a need to know basis," said one of the men as he reached for his coffee. He watched Sheppard over the top of his coffee cup._

"_I'm the one that's going to know right?" asked Sheppard. He was tired. He hadn't been given the opportunity to change or even shower and shave and as he bought his hand up to rub his jaw line he could feel the days old stubble residing there._

_The man before him smiled, "Yes. You're essentially our…" he paused, searching for the right words, and then said, "…specialist."_

_He reached down into a bag beside his chair and placed something onto the table in front of Sheppard. He was careful not to drop it and let it rest atop their paperwork._

"_Do you know what that is?"_

_Sheppard licked his lips, examined the object before him, and then looked back to Stark to see if he knew what it was._

"_Colonel?"_

"_Yeah," he said with a firm nod, "It's Wraith."_

"John?"

Sheppard looked up at Elizabeth as she dashed away his private reverie.

"Are you okay?"

He shifted in his chair and nodded, "I'm fine."

Elizabeth had perched on the desk in front of him and he hadn't noticed it, "Ok, what have I been talking about?"

Sheppard sat up straighter and tried to think, "Uh…..Atlantis?"

Elizabeth reached out for his shoulder, "Perhaps you should get some coffee, or _sleep_, and I'll brief you later."

Sheppard wanted to argue that he was fine, but he had obviously zoned out, and it seemed futile to fight her. "Yeah, I could do with some coffee," he admitted as he stood up slowly. His side felt stiff as he stood and it pulled on his ribs.

"You know, I will listen if you need to talk," she said as she returned to her seat.

"I know," he said.

----------------------

Sheppard had grabbed a mug of coffee and hurried back to the gate room. He had new recruits waiting for him to begin their induction. He wasn't looking forward to it.

To that end, he wasn't in any rush. They were all huddled around by the gate, talking and chattering excitedly, and he was finishing his coffee up on the balcony watching over them. They had failed to notice that their commanding officer was watching them yet.

He felt a presence and Mckay leant against the balcony next to him, "I've been looking for you everywhere," he said.

"I've been around," said Sheppard.

"So you haven't been hiding?" said Mckay with a sidelong glance.

Sheppard took a long sip of his coffee and watched Mckay over the rim.

"I mean you were pretty hammered last night," he didn't even attempt to regulate the volume of his voice.

Sheppard nearly choked as he swallowed, "Could you keep your voice down."

"Hey, you can thank me anytime. I mean, I only carried you back to your room last night."

"No you didn't," said Sheppard. He felt strangely dislocated from the conversation. He just couldn't get invested enough in it to care and it worried him. Ever since he'd got back he'd felt off keel and distant.

"Okay, so Ronon helped," he said.

"You've had your fun. I don't want it mentioned again," Sheppard said.

From below he suddenly became aware of raised voices and as he peered over the balcony he could see that two of his recruits were stepping up to one another, squaring up for a fight.

"What's going on down there?" said Mckay with a sigh.

"I don't know," said Sheppard distractedly.

"Figures it's the testosterone laced military guys who are fighting."

Sheppard descended the steps as quickly as he could and watched as the small group closed in around the two fighting soldiers. Their voices were loud and echoing through the room and Sheppard wanted to put a stop to it before it could escalate further.

He pushed his way through the crowding bodies and was about to tell them to break it up when one of the soldiers reeled around and before he could react he was hit in the face. His head snapped back, his legs crumbled beneath him and he fell to the ground, jarring his ribs in the process. He could feel the blood running out of his nose and over his lips as he looked up at his recruits.

One of the soldiers, the one who had hit him, held up his hands in a placating gesture and his eyes went wide in horror, "Oh my god. I am _so_ sorry," he said.

Sheppard shrugged off the hands which tried to help him up and he straightened up, hissing when his side ached. It had borne the brunt when he had fallen. "What the _hell_ is going on here?" He stood in the centre of them and moved in a tight circle.

"We were having a …..disagreement," said the soldier.

Sheppard recognised an element of himself in the young man standing before him. Cocky, confident and self sacrificing. "What are your names?"

"Adams."

"Jefferies."

Sheppard placed a hand on his side and licked the blood off his lips.

"Do you want me to call Carson?" he heard Mckay shout down from the balcony. He ignored him.

"The rest of you go. I'll assign you onto the roster later. You two-"

"I'm so sorry."

"You _two_," he repeated barely suppressing his anger, "-follow me," he said turning on his heel and stalking up the stairs towards the conference room.

Elizabeth had come out of her office and was standing at the top of the stairs, "John, what happened?"

He merely held a finger up and walked past her. She watched as two rather scared looking soldiers followed him into the debriefing room.

When the doors had closed, Sheppard turned around slowly, breathing through his mouth.

"I can't tell you how bad this looks," said Sheppard as he faced the two men standing in front of him.

"I'm-"

"Did I tell _you_ to speak?" Sheppard was angry, barely concealing it, and his head was now throbbing. "I'm assuming you didn't see that your commanding officer was watching you?" There was no answer, "Because I'm sure if you _had_, then you wouldn't have started a fist fight." He hated the way that he was sounding like Colonel Stark. He couldn't seem to control it, perhaps he'd spent too long with the guy, or perhaps he truly had been jaded by his last mission. He closed his eyes and took in a deep, calming breath. "Why were you fighting?"

Jefferies stepped forward, "We were arguing over who was going to go off-world first. Sir." At least he had the grace to look embarrassed and he flushed red.

"Neither one of you," said Sheppard, "For a _long_ time."

"We're _really_ sorry," said Adams.

"Sorry doesn't cut it. I don't need punk ass kids acting like idiots. This isn't a playground. I won't have my men squabbling in the gate room."

He paced back and forth, his hand up at his nose to try and staunch the blood, "If you're not going to take this seriously, you should consider going back on the Daedalus. I will not tolerate this kind of behaviour." He leant against the table, "Get out of here. I want you to go to your quarters until I can think of a suitable punishment for you. And trust me, it won't be half as exciting as going off-world."

"Yes sir."

"Thank you, sir."

Sheppard watched the two men leave quickly. Elizabeth leant against the doorway in their place.

"What was that all about?"

"Just getting some things clear."  
"The whole gate room heard," she said, "Are you okay?"  
"I'm fine. I'm going to get this cleared up."

---------------

Sheppard entered his quarters and went straight into the bathroom. He looked at himself in the mirror and could recognise in himself an anger which he had never seen before. His eyes looked cold and dead and his face was formed into hard lines. He looked older than his years, dark circles were visible under his eyes and he couldn't stop shaking. He gave his nose a prod and saw that it was mainly cosmetic. Instead of scrubbing the blood off, he turned off the water, and walked back into his bedroom. He stood in the centre of the room, "Shit!" he called out and kicked his bed for good measure. He couldn't keep his emotions under control much longer, every hour was a strain on the exterior he had painted on and it was getting harder.

His mind reeled back to the last time he had been struck in the face. He could feel the white hot flashes of pain, could hear the jeering and could remember every sensation as if it was yesterday.

He was panting hard, his breath coming out in strained gasps as his memories gave him a cruel reminder.

He sat down in the centre of his room, "Come on Sheppard. Pull yourself together."

_TBC_

_Okay so you'll have to keep reading to piece together what's going on with our Shep. Please review and let me know what you think._


	6. Chapter 6

As soon as his head touched the pillow he knew he wasn't going to sleep. He couldn't remember the last time he had managed a good night sleep, one uninterrupted by nightmares or fraught with random moments of waking. He couldn't shut off these days. His own treacherous mind wanted to remind him about his failings every waking hour and wake him up every sleeping hour.

He sat up from his bed and tossed the covers aside. He was wound up tightly like a spring, liable to uncoil at any second and the days events hadn't helped.

He pulled on his trainers. It was becoming increasingly common that to rest he needed to physically exhaust himself and he decided that a run might aid him in that cause.

The halls of Atlantis were quiet as he started to jog. It was exactly what he needed, nobody to stop him to have an inane conversation where he would have to feign interest.

His body moved rhythmically, he barely had to think about it, breathing precisely was responsive, muscles moving like a well oiled machine. He forgot about the ache in his ribs and dull throb in his head. He pushed aside worries with every exhalation.

He arrived at an outer walk way and picked up the pace, increasing his speed, breathing faster, legs pumping harder, the only accompaniment to his run was the sounds of the ocean below. Breathing with him.

He ran for an hour until he was sweating and his joints yearned for reprisal but as he arrived back at is quarters he was still wasn't tired enough to sleep.

Perhaps his wandering mind needed focus. He was absorbed on the physical aspects of his exhaustion, he needed to concentrate and mentally get himself in check before he could sleep. That way he might drift off into the darkness without over thinking.

He picked up his side arm and decided that an hour in the make shift shooting range should centre his mind enough to evade thinking beyond sleep.

He arrived at the shooting range and walked up to the line. He could see that fresh targets had been left out and took up a loose stance.

The room was blissfully silent.

He ejected his magazine in one practised fluid motion, checked the clip and then slotted it back in. He clicked off the safety and took aim. He trained his eyes on the target, regulated his breathing, and depressed the trigger slowly.

He fired off one shot and found himself momentarily startled by the volume of the bullet escaping the chamber. He rolled his shoulders to release some accumulated tension and then proceeded to fire off the remaining fourteen shots.

He ejected the magazine and allowed it to clatter to the floor loudly. He walked the length of the room to inspect his handiwork and realised that he had missed a few.

"Just tired," he reasoned with himself in the empty room.

He tore the target down, crumpled it in his hands, kicked it to the side of the room as if it were a football and then reattached another one.

He certainly wasn't going to miss again.

He walked back to the line and reached for another magazine.

The next moment moved by in slow motion. He'd been turning back to the target and inserting the next cartridge and his finger had been resting on the trigger. The combination of the undue pressure he exerted on putting in the cartridge, facilitated by a growing anger at missing the target, and his poorly placed finger, a rookie mistake, meant the gun expended a single shot.

It was a second after that he felt white hot pain lancing through his foot and he looked down at his trainer to see that there was blood pooling at the tip of it.

"You have _got_ to be kidding me?" he mused.

He had just shot himself in the foot.

"Damn it," he swore and hopped ineffectually for a minute as if it would reduce the pain. Blood was dripping onto the floor, spraying outwards as he waved it back and forth to lessen the pulsating throb there.

He conceded that he would have to get somebody to look at it and he wasn't relishing in explaining how it had happened.

He reached up for his earpiece as he sat down on the floor carefully, "Beckett?"

There was a brief moment of static and then the Doctors voice carried over the radio, "Colonel?"

"Uh….can you come down to the armoury?" he grimaced when he looked down at his trainer, " And you should probably bring your medical kit."

He heard the concern overriding the Doctor's initial response to sigh, "I'll be right down."

----------------

Beckett found Sheppard sitting on the floor with his legs outstretched and leaning back on his hands. His head was tilted back and his eyes were closed.

"What have you done?" he asked as he crouched down beside him. He noted the little pool of blood next to Sheppard's foot and gave him a look.

Sheppard opened his eyes. "I shot myself in the foot," he explained as if it was an everyday occurrence. It certainly wasn't.

"How did you do that?" Beckett asked as he began to carefully untie his trainer and slowly extricate it from his foot. Sheppard hissed as the pressure was released and sat up straighter to get a look at the damage himself. Blood was flowing freely as Beckett elevated it up onto his knee.

"By accident."

"Well I wasn't assuming you did it on purpose," said Beckett. He edged down Sheppard's sock as carefully as he could. "You're not usually so careless." He examined Sheppard's face and could see the dark circles which seemed a permanent feature these days.

"Accidents happen," he said defensively.

"They do," agreed Beckett as he reached into his medical bag.

"Admittedly, if I'd followed my own rules and worn steel capped shoes I wouldn't be sitting here."

Beckett held his foot with latex covered hands and examined the damage, "Well, luckily for you the bullet hasn't penetrated the foot, just grazed the toe."

Sheppard looked at the bloody mess in front of him, "So, I still have _all_ five toes?"

"Yes Colonel. You're going to have to come up to the infirmary so I can clean this up. It needs a few stitches, but should be fine to walk on, if a little painful." Beckett helped him up into a standing position. Sheppard leant against him to keep the weight off his foot.

"Thanks Doc."

"Perhaps next time you should follow your own advice."

------------------------

Sheppard limped into Mckay's lab and found him sitting by his laptop, working industriously, typing in commands, whilst simultaneously draining his mug of coffee. It was multi-tasking in its purest form.

"Why are you limping?" Mckay asked without even turning around. It turned out he could see his reflection in his computer screen.

"I'm _not_ limping," said Sheppard deliberately putting pressure onto his aching foot. He managed to mask a wince. He leant against the work top and threw a glance over to the corner of the room where Adams and Jefferies were meticulously going through boxes of files. "How are my men getting on?"

Mckay looked over his shoulder and raised a dismissive hand, "They're useless and I resent that this is their punishment."

"Oh come on, spending time with you is _always_ a punishment," said Sheppard with a sly grin, "Hey guys how's the paperwork going?"

Jefferies emerged from one of the boxes with an exasperated look while Adams held up a wad of paper and said, "Boring Sir, _really_ boring."

Sheppard smiled, "Then I'm happy. Keep up the good work." He turned back to Mckay, "You said you had some interesting gadgets down here."

"This is new," said Mckay as he typed, "You volunteering your gene."

"Well I've got some time to spare."  
"You could help us with these reports," suggested Jefferies.

"I'll leave those in your capable hands," said Sheppard dryly, "_Quiet_ capable hands."

"Why are you being so hard them?" asked Mckay.

Sheppard raised a quizzical eyebrow.

"Oh come on. Even I haven't ventured into those files and half of it's on the computer anyway."

"Good," said Sheppard, "They need to learn a little respect." He crossed his arms over his chest.

Seeing he wasn't going to get a further explanation and his brief moment of compassion had gone unnoticed he said, "Okay." He closed the lid on his lap top and hopped off his stool. "This way."

Sheppard followed him through to a connecting room where there were a number of devices laid out on a table. He turned back when he heard chatter coming from the Adams and Jefferies and decided to let them have their moment of respite. After all Mckay would be telling them to shut up the minute he re-entered the room anyway.

"So, what do we have here?" he asked prodding a few of the devices.

Mckay reached out for his hand and stilled it, "No touching. Until I say so."

"Okay, control freak."

Mckay sighed and put his best 'put upon' expression on his face, "We picked these up on Mx483 and this-" he said holding up a particularly ugly device, "-is wraith."

"_Yeah," he said with a firm nod, "-its wraith."_

_The men at the table shared a glance which admitted they already knew that fact to be true._

_Sheppard picked it up and turned it over in his hands, "You should be careful with this," and he was speaking from experience, "One twist and you could blow one hell of a hole."_

_The device was snatched from his hand by Stark who laid it back down on the table. It was as if a small child had picked it up and he was now being reprimanded for being careless. He was tempted to point out that he had successfully used one before but decided to wipe the thought from his mind. Petty differences seemed insignificant at that point in time._

"_You encountered a similar device on a scouting mission," he drew his attention back to the suits, "where you fought a wraith that had managed to survive for an extended period of time?" The man had Sheppard's file in front of him and was leafing through it with the same level of interest as if he were skimming through the readers digest._

"_Yes," said Sheppard. He waited for further embellishment and then when he could wait no longer, "Where did you find that?" Sheppard asked. His mind was already conjuring up horrendous simulations and adrenaline was beginning to surge through his veins. He was finally waking him up from his Daedalus space lag._

"_Not so long ago an Australian communications specialist picked up a…strange signal originating just south of Jalalabad. The U.S. military communications specialist confirmed its presence."_

"_A Blackbird_ _recon aircraft was sent to gather additional information," said Stark, letting Sheppard know that he already knew what was going on. He was no doubt relishing in the superiority of having more information than him._

_Sheppard knew what recon aircraft he was talking about. The SR-17 Blackbird was a high altitude, high speed strategic reconnaissance_ _platform with electrical and optical systems tailored to each mission's specific requirements. Coupled with the Blackbird's speed, it gave it the ability to map over 100,000 square miles an hour._

"_What did you find out?"_

"_The area we're talking about is impressive," said Stark from behind him._

_He was passed a map outlining the scale of the anomaly. His heart was hammering against his ribs in quick succession._

"_And underground in a section we know there to be numerous catacombs," said one of the men._

"_We sent a special ops team to do recon." His friend supplied._

_Sheppard's gut tightened. Why did he have a feeling he knew what they were going to say?_

"_That special ops team has been MIA for two weeks," the man in front of him looked uncomfortable and he continued, "A week ago we were able to recover an Afghan body and that is where we found this device." He looked at it pointedly, "This naturally alerted the SGC's shadow committee."_

_Sheppard licked his lips nervously. There was a lot of information to take in but he was getting the frightening picture._

"_This strange signal? You think it's a homing beacon?" He was asking a deliberate and loaded question to confirm his suspicions._

"_It's possible," said one of the men._

"_So let me get this straight. There's the possibility that there could be a….. ship….. down there?"_

"_The evidence is mounting up that way."_

"_A radius of this size, a signal, wraith weaponry." It could only mean one thing. "A hive ship?"_

"_You'll be briefed about your mission on the plane that's waiting for you."_

"Are you even listening to me?" Mckay was clicking his fingers in front of Sheppard's face and he reached his hands up and squashed the noise.

"I'm listening."

"You were _staring_ into space," said Mckay placing the device he was holding up back onto the table.

"Fine, I wasn't listening okay. I was thinking."

"Well, that's not at _all_ offensive. I interrupt my work and spend the best part of ten minutes explaining to you what _this_ is and _you_ zone out."

"Maybe that was the problem; you were talking for _ten_ minutes."

"This is all stuff you need to know. What else is so important? What were thinking about? lunch? Which pie shall I have? Green jello or blue?"

"I wasn't thinking about lunch." He could tell Mckay what he was thinking about. He wanted to tell him, but a voice in the back of his mind threatened him to keep quiet. It was one of the reasons he felt so distant from everyone.

"I'm going to get back to _my_ work," said Mckay, "We have a briefing in an hour and I want to be prepared for it."

"I wasn't thinking about lunch," Sheppard defended, "I swear."

"Then what were you thinking about huh?" Mckay put his hands on his hips.

"I was thinking about-" it was on the tip of his tongue. He clamped his mouth shut as Mckay started to tap his foot impatiently and resignedly he lied, "Green jello."

"I thought so," said Mckay and he turned on his heel.

-------------------

_TBC_

_Don't know when the next update will be._

_Maybe lots of lovely reviews will encourage me to type faster._


	7. Chapter 7

Mckay had been speaking for the past half an hour and Sheppard was getting ready to give himself a lobotomy with the pencil he had in front of him. It was bad enough that his level of concentration seemed to be permanently compromised these days; he didn't need this boring meeting to send him into a coma. Mckay continued to talk, hands gesticulating wildly, and pausing every now and then to shoot Sheppard daggers. He was obviously still angry about Sheppard's earlier affront.

"So, we're still looking at the devices we found on Mx-"

Sheppard scanned the faces at the table. Elizabeth was listening attentively, her hands crossed in her lap comfortably and Teyla and Ronon had their eyes trained on him but he suspected neither of them were really listening.

Sheppard bought his hand up and started to mimic Mckay talking with his hand. Teyla caught his eye line and chuckled softly. When he noticed Elizabeth look in his direction he placed his hand back down and tried to look as though he was listening.

He forced himself to listen, the words not really reaching him, the hand movements lost on him in his strange frame of mind.

_Sheppard and Stark had boarded the private jet and had sat down opposite one another. The plane started the take off procedures and eased into a leisurely climb, the clouds passing by the window in a blur. He missed the feel of the Jumpers and being the one on control._

_Once they had levelled out Sheppard leant forward in his chair, "These men that are MIA. Do they have any idea where they might be?"_

_Stark regarded him with narrowed eyes and closed the file he had been reading on his lap, "Let's get this straight Sheppard. This is not a search and rescue mission."_

_Sheppard swallowed convulsively to equalise the pressure in his ears and wondered whether he had heard right, "So, Sir," he said with special emphasis, "What is the mission?"_

_Stark looked out of the window briefly as he ordered his thoughts, "Seek and destroy." He paused and watched Sheppard's reaction._

"_If it's a hive ship, you realise the resulting explosion of destroying it will likely kill thousands of innocents?"_

_Stark nodded, "We're protecting our interests. If a few of the enemy get caught in the cross fire it's an acceptable loss."_

_Sheppard felt his stomach clench in anger and decided to try a different tact, "I don't understand why I've been called out here, surely Mckay would be bet-"_

"_I'm not sure why you've been called out here either," said Stark with a smile, "but it would appear on paper, you're most qualified. You've escaped hive ships before-"_

"_And only just made it out," Sheppard clarified._

_Stark interlaced his fingers and sat forwards, "There won't be room for failure this time either."_

Sheppard suddenly snapped his head up on realising that Mckay had asked him a question and looked to the other members of the debriefing for support. It seemed that everyone was content to see him suffer. He looked up at Mckay, "I'm sorry. I…wasn't listening," he admitted much to his detriment.

Mckay sighed, "Are you going for a record?" He crossed his arms over his chest, "I don't know why I bother."

"My mind just drifted for a second," defended Sheppard. "Ask me again."

"No," said Mckay. He jutted his chin out pointedly.

"Oh come on," said Sheppard, "Devices from MX…" he paused. He couldn't even remember what planet Mckay had been talking about. "MX4832."

"You just made that up!" Mckay said.

"Gentlemen," Elizabeth dropped her hands down onto the table, "Is there a problem I should know about?"

"No," said Sheppard as he kept his eyes firmly on Mckay.

"Yes," said Mckay. He started to gather up the files off the table and the device he had been showing them.

"Okay," said Elizabeth, "What's going on?"

"Nothing," said Sheppard, "Right _Rodney_?"

"He's been weird ever since he came back," said Mckay, "Not sleeping, being distracted…it's _getting_ annoying. You know, this is the second time he's zoned out on me today?" He cradled his files against his chest and headed for the door.

"Where are you going?" asked Elizabeth as she got up from her chair.

"I'm going to go down to my lab and do some constructive work."

"Rodney, come on. I'm listening now. You have my undivided attention, I promise."

"No," said Mckay and he walked out of the room.

"Okay," said Elizabeth rubbing her eyes wearily, "We'll continue this later."

Teyla and Ronon got up slowly and started to vacate the room throwing glances back over their shoulders as they went.

Sheppard pushed his chair back with a sound like nails on a chalkboard and got up.

"Not you," said Elizabeth. She closed the briefing room doors and turned back to her 2IC, "What's going on with you?"

Sheppard looked down at the floor innocently, "Nothing."

"John?" she met his eyes, her mouth formed into a tight line, her arms crossing over her chest loosely. She's never been very good at reading him, but on this particular occasion she could tell that he was lying.

"I admit. I've been a little distracted since getting back."

"Is this to do with your time on earth?" Her face was etched with concern as she spoke in a soft voice.

Sheppard nodded.

"I understand that you can't talk to me about it, but perhaps you could talk to Doctor Heightmeyer. Everything you say to her is confidential."

"I know," he said absent-mindedly tapping his fingers on the desk, "I'm not so sure that it would help." He looked down at his left hand and his still taped fingers and felt a flush of anger.

"Would you consider talking to Carson? If you're not sleeping he might be able to prescribe you something to help."

Sheppard licked his lips thoughtfully.

"Come on," she said as she opened the doors.

"Where are we going?"

"The infirmary. If you won't go by yourself then it looks like I'm going to have to escort you."

He followed her out into the control room and scanned the faces that were watching them, "Elizabeth," he said as he jogged to catch up with her. He could feel the discomfort in his foot flaring up with each step.

"John," she said keeping her voice low as she continued and he fell into step beside her, "I need my Commanding Officer to be on the ball. If concentration is a problem for you at the moment then-"

"What are you saying? That I'm a liability?" His eyebrows drew together. He knew he'd spent an inordinate amount of time lately daydreaming and thinking of past events but he certainly wasn't putting the base in jeopardy.

"Yes," she said as she walked faster, "I want this dealt with. Talk to Carson or I put you on light duty."

Sheppard sighed, "Fine."

---------------------

Beckett was just walking through the infirmary when Elizabeth and Sheppard entered. Sheppard had a guilty look on his face and Elizabeth's usual calm demeanour was laced with obvious agitation.

"Carson," she said as she gave Sheppard a tentative prod towards him.

"What's going on?" asked Beckett as he guided Sheppard over to an infirmary bed, "Is your foot giving you pain?"

Sheppard winced and scrunched his face up. Beckett looked at him confused.

"What's wrong with his foot?" Elizabeth asked as she moved over to the bed. She examined Sheppard's face closely for a clue but he was a master at neutrality.

"You didn't tell her?" said Beckett with an exasperated sigh.

Sheppard hopped up onto the bed, "I was _going_ to tell her."

"Tell me what?"

Sheppard sat up on the bed pulling his legs up and stretching them out onto the mattress. He closed his eyes and waited for the inevitable. He was sure he could feel the tension growing in the room's atmosphere.

"Colonel Sheppard…. accidentally shot himself in the foot." Beckett shoved his hands into his lab coat pocket and watched the range of emotions that crossed Elizabeth's face.

"What?" She asked in disbelief.

"It was an _accident_," said Sheppard refusing to open up his eyes and face her.

"And you didn't tell me?"

"I was going to," he defended.

"I'm sure you were," said Elizabeth, "How bad was it?"  
"It was just a graze," said Beckett seeing Sheppard was clearly suffering.

"It wasn't a big deal," Sheppard said, finally opening his eyes and meeting her gaze.

"How did you even do that?"

"My side arm discharged and-"he stopped talking, "It's embarrassing enough. Can't we leave it at that?"

"Carson I would have expected to be told about this," Elizabeth said feeling betrayed.

"I'm only supposed to disclose injuries which would affect his work. It was a graze and he can walk on it fine." He flushed red.

"Blame me, not Beckett," said Sheppard.

"So why are you here now?" asked Beckett drawing attention away from all of their misgivings.

"Evidently, his lack of concentration. He hasn't been sleeping," said Elizabeth.

Sheppard felt like a child having somebody speak for him. He decided to own up, "I've had trouble dropping off at night. I'm just too wired too sleep."

"Okay, well, I can prescribe you some light sedatives to help you get on your way at night," said Beckett as he tore his eyes away from Elizabeth. She was quiet, lips pursed together tightly, and eyes darkened by a restrained anger.

"If you come back tonight I can administer you some."

"Okay, sounds good," said Sheppard hooking his legs over the edge of the bed.

"If that doesn't work you could always try talking about whatever's bothering you."

"I already suggested that," said Elizabeth.

"If I can't tell you what's going on with me then I don't want to tell Heightmeyer," said Sheppard and he dropped down to the floor.

Elizabeth had to admit that she was touched by the thought, but all the same, she needed her damaged Commanding Officer fixed.

--------------------------------

Sheppard entered Mckay's lab and found him sprawled forward on his desk, snoring lightly, and drool escaping the corner of his mouth.

"Eww!" Sheppard pulled a face and silently walked over to a table where devices had been strategically laid out.

He put his hands on his hips and looked back at Mckay. Keeping his eyes on the scientist he slowly reached out and waited for a reaction. He accidentally knocked over a lamp and as he scrambled to get it back upright he looked back over to Mckay.

Nothing was going to wake that man.

He picked up one of the round devices, stared at it inquisitively, and watched with a puzzled expression as it started to light up.

"What are you doing?"

He turned, dropped the device back onto the table and looked guiltily across the room to where Mckay had just woken up. He was rubbing at his eyes tiredly and dropped off the stool to come and stand beside him. Evidently, Mckay had a sixth sense when it came to his precious ancient devices.

"I was just-"

"Snooping," said Mckay with a sigh.

"I came here to apologise," said John. "You left the briefing room before I could say I was sorry."

"Oh right," said Mckay with a dismissive flick of his hand, "I'd forgotten about that."

"You had huh?" said Sheppard walking over to Mckay's desk and looking down at a pad with various scribbles on it. He picked it up and waved it around, "So why is there a little stickman with spiky hair being hanged here?"

Mckay grabbed the pad out of his hand and hugged it against his chest, "Okay, so I have a _little_ repressed anger." He looked down at his picture, "Pretty good likeness huh?"

Sheppard smiled, "I'm sorry. Really." He'd said it quickly, the words jumbled together in one long slur, and now he was staring down at the floor feeling uncomfortable.

Mckay remained silent for a moment and then tossed the pad to the side, "It's forgotten. Now, what device were you holding then and _how_ did you make it light up?"

As he turned his back Sheppard smiled and silently thanked his friend for forgiving him. He needed his friends at the moment and there was no sense in alienating them.

He walked over to the table and pointed, "That one."

"Do it again," said Mckay as he grabbed a diagnostic tool from his desk.

Sheppard sighed and reached for it, imitating his earlier hold, and watching as it steadily began to glow.

"What's it doing?" asked Mckay as he watched the light brighten.

Sheppard shrugged, " Not much. Feels kinda hot though." The light was intensifying and burning his retinas.

"Hot?" asked Mckay and he inspected the device closely, "Anything else?"

"My hands kind of tingling."

"Maybe you should put it down," suggested Mckay as he turned to scribbled something down, "It migh-"

Unexpectedly, he heard Sheppard make a pained sound and he turned just in time to see Sheppard's eyes roll back, his body tremble, and he slumped to the ground, the device still nestled in his hand.

"Sheppard!"

"_Sheppard!"_

_Sheppard opened his eyes and a fist caught him in the nose. He immediately tasted blood and coughed involuntarily as he was dragged from his barracks bed. Hands were grabbing him by his arms, pulling him along the cold floor, abusing his knees, and compounding his newly acquired headache._

_He was awash with confusion as his mind tried to fight of the vestiges of his sleep and connect with current events. He was dropped to the ground in an unceremonious heap and was suddenly assaulted by freezing cold water from above. He cracked his eyes open, could see some of the other men from his dorm standing over him, as the shower in the communal bathroom pounded him with sub-zero water._

_He reached his hand up for purchase but his arm was wrenched down and somebody stood on his outstretched hand. He felt one of his fingers dislocate and bit back the initial burst of pain it afforded him. Thankfully, it wasn't his trigger finger._

_A shadow appeared over him and he looked up to see one of his fellow soldiers, a guy name Laraby, standing over him as Sheppard shivered under the water. His t-shirt was soaked, his sweats heavy on his legs, bare feet tingling with pins and needles._

"_What the hell are you doing?" he said and choked as the water hit the back of his throat._

"_You know, I'm confused." Laraby said in a flat voice. "Man, you disappear for like two years and now here you are, back and with a promotion." He looked around at the other men who were treating his humiliation as a spectator sport, "I just don't get it."_

_Sheppard licked his lips and tasted the metallic tang of blood._

"_I know you had a black mark before, it's all around the base, so what are they doing, giving promotions out in happy meals these days?"_

_Some of the other men laughed at Laraby's inventive remark. Sheppard just grew even more annoyed._

_Sheppard opened his mouth, went to say something, and then clamped his mouth shut._

_He couldn't stop shivering against the water. It was freezing his joints and making pain spear through his limbs._

"_So, how's that even possible Sheppard?"_

_Sheppard coughed again on water tainted with blood, "Cant say," he spat, "Now stop being a prick and let me go."_

_Laraby laughed, "Man, I just wanna know how you got it? Its dad right?"_

_Sheppard met his eyes with a cold stare. The mention of his father had been unexpected and dredged up its own associative memories of misery._

"_Yeah, I know about your dad. Respected General. I'm sure that has something to do with it."_

_Sheppard struggled against the grip on him, "Leave him out of this."_

"_What?" said Laraby, "You don't get on with him or something? Difficult relationship?"_

_Sheppard kicked out with his free foot and it connected solidly with Laraby's leg._

"_Maybe you're just not promotion material," said Sheppard venom lacing his voice, "I think they have a no asshole policy."_

_Laraby turned to his friends. Some of them were looking a little frightened at the situation. It was supposed to be a joke, a hazing of sorts, but Laraby was getting violent. A few of the men backed up and Sheppard felt the painful release of pressure off his damaged hand._

"Sheppard!" Mckay fumbled with his radio, "Beckett? Beckett?... Beckett?"

"Yes Rodney?"  
Mckay breathed out a sigh of relief. "I need a medical team down in my lab now. Sheppard's unconscious."

There was no hesitation in Beckett's voice. "On my way."

Mckay turned back to Sheppard, reached out for the device to rip it free and then felt a strange sensation himself. The next thing he knew _he was standing in a communal bathroom watching a scene unfold before him that bore no recognition to him. _

_He walked forward, his presence unnoticed in his strange corporeal state, and watched soldiers gathered around someone on the floor._

_It took a moment for recognition to set in. "Sheppard?" His eyes narrowed as he watched one of the soldiers kick Sheppard in the chest. Sheppard grunted, curled over into himself, and then straightened back out as if nothing had happened._

"_What is going on in here?"_

_The voice behind him made Mckay turn and alerted the soldiers to an outside existence. Colonel Stark marched in the room and looked at the men with a steely gaze._

"_What are you doing?" He looked from one man to the next._

_There was no answer and Laraby stepped away from Sheppard slowly, "Just a friendly hazing Sir."_

"_I'm sure you'll agree that's a rather outdated practice," said Stark looking down at Sheppard who was sitting up, spitting blood from his mouth._

"_Return to your beds," said Stark._

_Mckay watched from the side lines as Sheppard slowly got up to his feet. His hair was pressed flat down on his head, his face was dripping with water and as he reached to turn off the shower Stark spoke in a booming voice._

"_Did I say turn that off?"_

_Sheppard retracted his hand and turned to his commanding officer, shaking under the icy water._

"_And did I say stand at ease?"_

_Sheppard stood up straighter, clearly in pain as his ribs strained against the pull of standing upright. Sheppard put his hands at his side and kept his stance stiff._

"_Now, are you going to tell me what is going on here?"_

_Sheppard's teeth were chattering and he licked his bloodied lip before speaking, "They were having a problem with my new rank."_

"_I told you this would happen," said Stark taking a step back when some of the shower water splashed onto his uniform. He looked down with disdain._

"_It won't happen again," said Sheppard, "I think they've had their fun."_

"_You know," said Stark, "I would hope you'd keep this incident to yourself. Inquiries into this would only interfere with our objective."_

"_Yes…S…s…sir," said Sheppard shivering more violently._

"_Good," said Stark, "Get dried off and get some sleep. We've got an early morning."_

"_Yes Sir."_

_Stark walked off and Sheppard stood under the shower for a further minute. For a moment Mckay thought Sheppard could see him, but his eyes drifted past him and he palmed the shower off. He shook his head, cursed, and then punched his damaged hand into the wall._

Mckay, through sheer force and determination, managed to pull away from Sheppard's vision and watched as Sheppard's own hand went slack and released the hold on the device.

He groaned but remained unconscious, his breathing slow and strained.

Mckay sat in stunned silence, the revelation of what he had just witnessed, haunting him.

He was still sitting on the floor when Beckett rushed in.

TBC


	8. Chapter 8

The darkness ebbed away and light began to seep through his eyelids. Sheppard cracked his eyes open to slits and promptly closed them when his brain felt as though it was going to leak out of his ears. As sensation began to return to his body, he could feel that he was moving and where he was lying, vibrations coursed beneath him. He rocked slightly and with curiosity overriding any compulsions to remain inert and quiet, he opened his eyes fully to stare upwards. The ceiling above him moved by in a blur.

"Colonel?" A hand clamped down onto his shoulder and grounded him to reality.

He craned his neck round to see that he was lying on a gurney and was skilfully being manoeuvred down the hallways.

"Carson?" He was wracking his brain to try to remember how he had ended up in this situation. When his memory didn't provide sufficient explanation he asked, "What happened?"

"You don't remember?"

Sheppard shook his head and instantly regretted it, "No."

"He doesn't remember?" he heard a voice call out. He tried to move to see who it was.

"Get me closer."

Sheppard narrowed his eyes until, suddenly, a wheelchair occupied by Mckay and being pushed by one of the nurses, appeared in his peripheral.

"How can you _not_ remember?" Mckay asked.

He snapped his fingers at the nurse that was pushing him, "Faster!" he shouted when the nurse began to slow.

"Mckay, are you trying to race me?" Sheppard asked.

"Yes, this was all an elaborate plan so that we could have a gurney versus wheelchair race," Mckay said with an exaggerated roll of his eyes.

"It wouldn't exactly be a fair race," Sheppard noted idly.

Sheppard tried to push himself up onto his elbow. Beckett promptly restrained the action and ensured he remained flat on his back.

"What is the last thing you remember?" Beckett asked. In his mind, he was already starting to list the number of tests that Sheppard would need. He'd definitely require a cat scan.

"I was in Rodney's lab," Sheppard provided thoughtfully, "And…." He remembered something, "Hey! You drew a picture of me with a noose around my neck."

"You remember _that_?" Mckay grumbled, "What about _after_ that?" His attention was drawn elsewhere and he snapped his fingers, "Nurse, you need to push faster so we can keep up. I'd be better off pushing this thing myself."

"You're welcome too," said the nurse and she let go of the wheelchair.

Mckay disappeared from Sheppard's line of sight for a few seconds and then reappeared with the nurse pushing him again and him complaining, "Fine, okay. _You_ push."

"You were handling a device," Beckett clarified for him, "You collapsed."

"I did?" Sheppard licked his lips, "I really don't remember."

"So you don't remember where the device took you?" Mckay asked.

Sheppard shook his head again.

They arrived at the infirmary and their conversation was cut off abruptly as Sheppard was taken to one end of the room and Mckay was taken to the other.

Mckay hopped out of the wheelchair before it came to a stop, getting his feet tangled in the footrests, and rushed over to where Beckett was adjusting the height on Sheppard's bed.

Sheppard was allowing Beckett to fuss, arms crossed in a relaxed pose, his eyes following Beckett as he retrieved his penlight.

Mckay decided to intervene before Beckett could start his battery tests.

"When I touched the device I was…." Mckay felt himself pale, "I saw one of your memories."

Sheppard's attention grabbed he swatted the penlight away from his eye, "What? How do you know that?"

"Rodney, I need to examine Colonel Sheppard and you're not helping matters. Go and sit on one of the other beds and I'll be over in a minute."

Mckay sighed and rolled his eyes, "Carson, I'm _fine_. I didn't pass out."  
"But you were exposed to the device," Beckett argued.

"Hang on Doc," said Sheppard raising his hand.

"Colonel," Beckett warned.

"I know you need to examine me," Sheppard said. He raised his eyebrows as he asked Mckay, "What did you see?"

"I'm not really sure," Mckay admitted as he hooked a stool over with his foot and sat down.

Beckett was hovering, his hands resting on the bed railings with an air of uncertainty.

Sheppard turned to him with a pleading look. "Carson. Can you give us a minute?"

"I really need to check you over." Beckett knew that he was fighting a losing battle.  
"I feel good right now," Sheppard said, "And this could be important."  
Beckett sighed, "You have a _few_ minutes."

Mckay and Sheppard watched as Beckett disappeared into his office and then turned their attention back on one another.

Sheppard knew that he would probably regret indulging Mckay. He didn't know how it would have been possible for Mckay to even witness, or be part of, one of his memories. What concerned him the most, if it was possible, was what memory had he seen. "Okay, what did you see?"

Mckay was tapping his feet on the floor. He was nervous. "Stark was there."

Sheppard gritted his teeth. His mind was running through simulations of what Mckay could have witnessed. Any memory involving Stark wasn't going to be a particularly enjoyable one.

"Could you be more specific?"  
"I don't know where I was," he sighed, "But-"

"Rodney?"

Sheppard was beginning to get the sense that Mckay had seen something really bad. It had to be to have Mckay so clammed up.  
"You were getting your ass kicked by a load of soldiers."

Sheppard chewed on his lip.

"It was in a shower room. I'm not sure where but-" Another deliberate pause.

Sheppard was sifting through his memories when he realised what Mckay must have witnessed. "Oh, was that it?"  
"What do you mean was that it? Isn't that enough?"

Sheppard readjusted his position in the bed to get more comfortable, "Rodney. Forget about it. I have."

"What?" Mckay stood up quickly with a look of shock on his face.

Sheppard didn't know how to make him see it the way he did. In his mind, that memory had been viewed out of context. Of course, it was going to look bad.

"Look those guys, they were just letting off some steam."

"Letting off steam." Mckay repeated slowly, "They were kicking the shi-"

"Look. It happens. I'm over it."

"_Colonel."_

_Stark sat down at the table, pulled out a chair, and sat down as Sheppard continued to prod at his food._

"_Sir," he said deliberately straightening in his seat and feeling a distant pull on his sore ribs._

_Stark met his eyes. "I want you to know that I spoke to the men responsible this morning. Nothing like that will happen again."_

"_I'm sure it won't," said Sheppard as he pushed his plate aside and reached for his glass of water._

"_I meant what I said. No official complaints. It will slow up our objective."_

"_I won't be doing that, Sir," Sheppard clarified, "You said to expect resentment."_

"_Especially since some of those men are going to be on your team."_

_Sheppard met his CO's eyes and clenched the hand at his side, "They are?"_

"_Laraby," Stark said as he clasped his hands on top of the table, "He's one of the best explosive experts here, graduated first in his class. I wouldn't want what happened last night to ruin his whole career with a court martial."_

_Sheppard struggled to find words._

"_Laraby was friends with Alex," he said._

_Sheppard felt his hand shake and he put the glass of water down._

"_He was?" he asked, knowing what Stark was referring to._

"_So, as you can imagine. He felt he had just cause to do what he did."_

"_Having him on my team might be a problem then."_

"_It wont. Like I said, I talked to him." He went to stand, "Of course, if you wanted to level the playing field in a manner you thought fit, I would allow it. You need those men's respect and right now, you're not looking too respectful." He turned and walked off._

"What?" Mckay said incredulously.

"Mckay, lets just say that I dealt with it."

_It was dark as he moved through the dorms. He could hear the patter of the rain outside, the odd rumble of thunder in the distance combined with the soft snores emanating from the beds._

_Stark had told him to deal with his men and he wasn't going to miss a chance to reassert his authority._

_Sheppard smiled, remembering similar events in his career that he was now going to instigate, and then banged the two metallic pans in his hands together as hard as he could._

_He watched as the once contently sleeping figures jumped out of bed, sliding on their clothes in a move borne of practice. After a few minutes they were all standing stiffly besides their beds trying to blink the sleep from their eyes._

"_What's going on?" asked Laraby, when he saw Sheppard standing in the centre of the room._

_Sheppard placed his hands on his hips and in a tone laced with cheerfulness he said, "Fallout men. Training exercises in the quad." He turned and walked off, knowing that they had to follow._

_He found himself thinking back to his own basic training. They would be woken in the middle of the night and called upon to follow their Commanding Officer. If you were told to follow, you were expected to run and this one time he had made sure that he was the first out of the dorm, running after his Training Instructor, keeping him within sight as he descended the steps of their block._

_His TI had stopped suddenly, turned about face, and Sheppard had stopped just in time before colliding with the man._

_His TI had looked him in the eye and in a loud voice he had shouted, "Can you read son?"_

_Sheppard had stood stiffly and said, "Yes, Sir!"_

_His TI had smiled and pointed at a notice that was pinned to the wall. In big letters it said 'Do not run. Please use the handrails."_

_For the remainder of basic training, whenever the recruits had left his block, he had had to stand there and repeat that phrase over and over until the last of his group had passed him. It had meant that as well as being humiliated everyday, he had also been the last to line up in the quad._

_Outside, the rain had begun to fall harder, droplets of rain splattering the floor like tiny bombs, exploding on impact and merging to form muddy puddles._

"_Okay," shouted Sheppard over the rain as he pulled the hood of his raincoat up over his head, "I want you to start running some laps."_

_They'd got away with their actions the following night, but not again, and this time they had to do what he asked._

_He heard the chorus of 'Yes Sirs!' and watched as the men started to run, arms slick with rain, water falling down their faces in streams._

_He pulled his coat tighter around himself, shoving his hands into his pockets as they ran._

_Payback really was a bitch._

_He pulled out a thermos from his pocket and drank hot coffee as they ran, bounding up and down on the balls of his feet, to keep himself warned up._

_After an hour of continuous running, he got them to do press ups in the rain, followed by a strenuous regime of sit ups until all of them were panting and sweating hard. It wasn't an exercise in fitness, it was an exercise in authority. It was important that he established himself as a force not to be reckoned with. Stark had taught him that much over the years._

_When he had had enough of standing in the rain, he shouted, "Line up men."_

_He walked down the line, stopping at Laraby and speaking loudly over the rain._

"_I know why you did what you did," he said in an even voice, "I don't want it to happen again"_

_Laraby met his eyes, shivering in the rain, his short cropped hair soaked through, "Yes Sir!"_

"_There's something going on that's much bigger than you and I."_

"_Yes Sir," Laraby said in a flat voice._

"_I mean it Lt. You're going to be following my orders and if you can't do that-"_

"_I'm sorry Sir," Laraby said loudly, "It won't happen again Sir."_

"_Have you got this out of your system?"_

_Laraby nodded._

_Sheppard nodded and stepped back, turning his attention to the rest of his men, "I get it, you're bored, you're lonely, Lt Laraby suggests teaching me a lesson and most of you follow." He walked the length of the line, "I'm not going to take action this time, but if it ever happens again, I won't hesitate in getting you all court marshalled. Your careers don't have to end because of one mans stupid idea."_

_He looked up at the sky and watched the rain fall briefly, "Remember, I can make you do this every night if I want to. Luckily for you, I hate getting up in the middle of the night, to teach pointless lessons, so just take this as a warning."_

_He sighed and jammed his hands into his pockets. "Briefing at 0800 hours. I expect you to be there and check your attitudes at the door."_

"_Yes Sir!"_

"_Dismissed."_

_He stood in the rain for a further few minutes before following them in. _

_Tomorrow was the beginning of the end._

_TBC_

_This is short, but it's to let you know that I'm still writing this story. Sorry, it's a long one so you'll have to piece together the bits of info as you go along :D_


	9. Chapter 9

_Sorry about the unbelievably slow updates. I've recently moved, been without the internet for weeks and just generally had a lot of real life pressures heaped on me. I promise that this story will get finished so bear with me as I piece it together for you._

_Oh and thank you for all of the wonderful reviews I've been getting._

_-------------------------_

Beckett palmed his penlight and scribbled on Sheppard's chart, taking his time before looking up, "Well, I can't see that there's anything wrong with you," he clicked his pen loudly and sighed, "I know I told you that I'd give you a sedative to help you sleep tonight, but it'll have to wait till tomorrow. I wouldn't feel comfortable giving you drugs, just in case."

Sheppard swung his legs over the bed ready to make his escape, "That's fine Doc."

"You should go to your quarters and get some rest. Come back here if you start to feel unwell."

"Will do."

Sheppard hopped off the bed and started to inch away.

"Rodney left rather quickly after your talk," Beckett said without looking up from the chart.

Sheppard stopped in his tracks, felt his back tense, and then turned slowly. He shuffled from one foot to the other and cast his eyes downwards, "I know."

"Left without saying a word. Unlike him," he noted as he read over Sheppard's file.

"I'd tell you if I could."

"I know you can't talk about it," Beckett added with a warm smile and a flick of his hand.

Sheppard looked down at his boots.

"Get some rest Colonel. You look exhausted."

Sheppard nodded and left Beckett to his paperwork.

In truth, he _was_ exhausted. He had barely slept since returning to Atlantis, only snatching a handful of hours of restless sleep at a time, and even then, he would wake up in a cold sweat, his heart hammering in his chest, and panting hard as he tried to breathe evenly.

He knew that it was his guilty conscience preventing him from shutting off at night.

Guilt for not having saved all of his men and guilt at not being able to share vital information with those same men.

Sheppard walked the dark halls with no intention of going back to his quarters and instead ended up on one of the balconies, watching the water below as it lapped gently against the city.

Leaning against the railing and breathing in deeply, his mind began to wander back to his months away from Atlantis. Away from these peaceful balconies and the soothing sounds of the constant ocean.

He yawned loudly and arched his aching back.

If he had one regret, it was at not being able to fully confide in his men about the nature of their mission. He had wanted to, had been intending too, but on his way to the briefing, Stark had cornered him, and given him his own lists of don'ts.

Stark had told him that the Stargate program was off limits, as was telling his men where he had been for the last two and half years and further to that, he was not to mention the wraith. As far as his team was concerned, they were going to a downed ship, of unknown nationality, to destroy it so the Afghans could not use it in a war against the Americans.

After all, Stark had added, it was unlikely that there was a threat on board that ship. Like he knew.

In other words, it was all lies and Sheppard had been the one to deliver them.

He swallowed against rising bile and gripped the railing with white knuckles. The same feeling of sickness that had pervaded him then, returned to him now, to remind him that he was a coward. He should have told them from the start what they were up against and told Stark to go screw himself.

The question of why he hadn't done so haunted him.

Why hadn't he told them?

What was it about Stark that made him follow his orders?

Ah yes, because a long time ago he hadn't and look where that had got him. Shipped off to the Antarctic with a big black mark on his record.

Was it because he figured the wraith would be long dead, unable to survive on a downed ship, that had him so convinced that they would be successful? Was it the fact that the men joining him on the mission were the best of the best and so should have been able to take care of themselves? Or was it that he didn't want to go and screw up the only good thing he had going for him?

"Crap," Sheppard mumbled into the darkness.

"Crap."

Weariness tugged at him, pleading for him to go and get some rest, but he didn't want to sleep.

_Couldn't_ sleep.

Every time he closed his eyes, he could hear the sounds of his failure.

Screams, the sounds of ricocheting bullets, flesh impacting on the cold hard floor.

He shivered.

Sheppard pushed himself off the railing, the chill in the air forcing him inside, and he walked the halls with nothing more than a need to keep moving and distracted.

The halls were mercifully empty.

It was only when he started to walk one of the least occupied areas of Atlantis that he saw two figures standing up ahead, their backs to him, both immersed in muted conversation.

He stood back for a few minutes, wondering whether to go over and shatter his illusion of solitude. He sighed and then, resolve strengthened, he forced a swagger into his walk and joined them.

First Lt Adams and Sergeant Jefferies turned to him in full salute, to which Sheppard just waved a hand at them and told them to stand at ease.

Sheppard leant against the corridor walls and crossed his arms, "So, how's…" he looked down the empty corridor and then turned back to the two men, "…corridor watching working out for you?" He smiled briefly.

_Had he really instructed them to do such a mundane task?_

Adams spoke first, running a hand over his short blond hair, "Really exciting Sir," he said with a deadpan tone.

Even though it was boring, Sheppard still knew that an exercise like this was important. Soldiers would often be required to stand sentry for long hours with little or no activity and maintaining a level of alertness and focus was vital, especially in a real combat situation.

_Like the one, he had been in just months ago._

_Maybe his men could have been a little more alert if they had known what they were up against._

_Shit._

Realizing he had been silent for too long, Sheppard licked his lips and continued, "You starting to feel sorry now?" he asked in a serious tone.

"Yes Sir," Jefferies nodded.

"In future, I'd prefer it if you put your left hook to good use in a combat situation," Sheppard said, "And not use my face as target practice. I don't tolerate in-fighting amongst my men. Its unprofessional, it's dangerous, not too mention stupid."

He stood up straighter and Jefferies and Adams mirrored his pose, no longer at ease.

"It won't happen again Sir, "Adams stated somberly.

"No," Sheppard added, "It won't."

When had he become this unrecognizable person? He used to be so laid back, used to be able to command respect easily, used to be able to keep his temper reigned in.

All he saw now when he looked in the mirror was an aging man, bitter and lost in a sea of regrets.

He stood in silence, quietly deciding what to do with them.

He needed for these men to redeem themselves. He needed them to show him that he could respected, that he was doing a good job on Atlantis.

Adams and Jefferies looked uncomfortable in his presence, their expressions reflecting remorse and inexperience.

"I'm going to give you a second chance."

"Oh, thank you Sir," Jefferies blurted out.

"I'm going to be going off-world in the next couple of days. Field training for new recruits. I _was_ going to have you on graveyard shift for the next few months," He pursed his lips, "I had better not be disappointed by you."

"You won't Sir."

"Thanks Sir."

"I'll let you get back to your….. work," said Sheppard.

Sheppard had gone back to bed that night and still hadn't been able to sleep. His mind was working over time, conjuring old images and burning them to the underside of his eyelids.

He had simply lain awake, stared up at the ceiling, and counted away the hours until he could get up again.

---------------------

_The 'little bird' chopper had been cutting through the air for two hours, skillfully avoiding detection and hugging the undulating terrain as if tethered by an invisible thread._

_As their pilot expertly advanced on the drop off point, Sheppard readjusted his position in the co-pilot seat and sighed. He wasn't used to being a passenger. He liked to feel in control, to have the craft respond to **his** every command, to feel free and uninhibited as he soared through the expansive skies._

_Instead, he found himself subject to someone else's piloting; trapped, forced to endure their commands and watch them experience their freedom. He hated it._

_His heart was thudding in his chest and refusing to beat in a normal timely fashion, which in turn was amping up his adrenaline, his hands were clammy, his stomach was twisting in knots, and his whole body was uncomfortably tense._

_The atmosphere aboard the chopper was muted and contemplative. He could just hear his men talking quietly amongst themselves. He wondered if they were feeling the same as he was. _

_No, he decided instantly, they were not, because they were all blissfully ignorant of what they were about to face._

_He had to tell them. Even if the wraith hadn't survived they still needed to know. Damn it! No, he had to follow Stark's orders. So the wraith had survived on a downed ship when he had gone to that desert planet. Mckay had insisted that that was an anomalous event. It couldn't happen again. Could it?_

"_How much farther?" Sheppard asked with the realization that he had let his mind wander._

_His pilot checked his instruments and grunted out a reply of "ETA ten minutes."_

_Sheppard nodded._

_He was beginning to hear conversation from the back filtering forward to him; intoning voices and fractured words that he couldn't piece together. He tried to concentrate._

"_I'm not seeing any Afghan patrols around," a voice informed Sheppard and he dragged his attention back to the pilot._

"_Good."_

_The pilot beside him made a few standard checks and turned to Sheppard, "So, how many years you been a pilot?"_

_Sheppard gave up on trying to listen to the conversations behind him and faced forward._

"_A long time," Sheppard answered bluntly as his eyes traced the ground below them._

_The pilot nodded, "Seven years," he said proudly._

"_Great."_

_Sheppard wasn't in the mood for small talk. He merely nodded and kept his eyes downcast._

"_Seen action in Iraq," he stated with a smile._

"_Well done," Sheppard ground out._

"_You?"_

"_Yeah, here and there."_

"_You been to Afghanistan before?"_

_Sheppard sighed, "Yeah."_

_The pilot finally gave up trying to coax a conversation out of Sheppard and he went quiet. Silence made the rotations of the blades above them sound even more pronounced. Sheppard strained his ears, managed to hear the conversations behind him, and finally got a form to the words. _

_He had read their files, familiarized himself with their strengths and potential weaknesses and would protect them, lead them through any danger to the best of his ability. It was strange, trapped in the chopper, being taken to the drop off point, with men he hadn't built a strong working relationship with. He found himself missing his team back on Atlantis. Even though they were a rag tag bunch, they worked together seamlessly._

"_I'm sweating like a whore in church!" Sheppard heard Collins exclaim in a southern drawl._

"_Hey man, you use that language in front of your mother?" Cole said quickly, a hint of amusement lacing his deep voice. _

"_Hey, I ain't got no mother to worry about what comes out of my mouth," Collins replied quickly over the roar of the blades._

"_No?" It was a voice he couldn't discern. Maybe Andrews or Martins._

"_No. Died when I was born. Never met her and my dad," Collins laughed coarsely, "Ain't worth the air he breathes."_

"_Tell me about it," Laraby said suddenly, his voice cutting through the engine noise, "I never had a family. Consider yourself lucky."_

"_Lucky?" Collins asked. He was a smart ass, loud and confident._

"_I only got my brother," Martins said quietly, "He's off in Iraq though. Might never see him again."_

"_Hey, I'm sure he's fine. At least he's on a real assignment," Martins, definitely Martins voice._

_Sheppard couldn't help but feel uneasy as he listened to the remainder of their conversation. It was an unsettling feeling that he couldn't pinpoint and definitely couldn't dismiss. There was something about the way that none of his men had family that just wasn't sitting right with him. He cast his mind back and mentally flipped and scored his way through their individual files. Cross checking, using an invisible rule to read each line as a sickening thought dawned on him and twisted his gut into a thousand knots._

"_Hey Sir?" he heard Collins call out to him._

_Sheppard was pulled out of his thoughts and turned to face the dark skinned man, "What is it Lt?"_

"_Was just wondering whether you had family Sir." Collins met Sheppard's eyes and held the gaze._

_Sheppard licked his lips and answered, "No," he stated before returning to the front window._

_He looked out at the barren landscape, his mind still trying to work on connections._

_That was it! _

_He felt himself pale, could feel the palms of his hands becoming clammy and his heart stuttering in his chest. The strange pervading feeling he was having was starting to make sense._

_None of them had family. Not one of them had a thing to go back to. They were all expendable._

_Their mission was a suicide run._

-------------------------------------

Sheppard entered Elizabeth's office and gave the doorframe a light tap.

He'd had another night of tossing and turning, another night of being assaulted by his nightmares and circular thoughts, another night where he knew responsibility and burden would be heaped upon him the next day.

He had got up sluggishly, had an hour long run, a hot shower, and had kitted up quickly; steeling himself for his three days away with the new recruits.

He had just entered the gate room when Elizabeth had summoned him to her office.

"You wanted to see me?" Sheppard asked as he forced an impending yawn back down.

Elizabeth looked up from her desk, pushed her laptop away, and sat back with an air of ease borne of their long-suffering friendship.

"I just wanted to be sure that you were okay to go away for three days."

Sheppard narrowed his eyes and readjusted his P90 as he came to sit in the chair opposite her desk. He leant forwards, fingers pressing down on the edge of the desk, "I'm sorry?"

Elizabeth sat forwards and clasped her hands together, "After you're initial collapse, you're further incident with that strange device and your lack of sleep I thought I had bet-"

"I'm fine," Sheppard interrupted before she had a chance to continue.

"You're sure?"

"Has Carson been checking up on me?"

"No."

"Rodney?"

She shook her head.

"I'm sleeping much better," he lied, "And Carson said I was fine."

"Hmm," Elizabeth said.

She didn't look convinced.

"I'm fine." He repeated.

"Okay," Elizabeth finally conceded.

"I am."

"Just be careful and be safe."

"Aren't I always?"

Elizabeth gave him a curious smile, "I want you back in one piece."

Sheppard smiled and jumped up out of his seat.

When he left Elizabeth's office, he was so intent on rechecking the contents of his pockets and positioning of his gear that he nearly walked into Mckay who was too absorbedly reading a report on a data pad.

Both men looked up just in time and took a step to the side before making fools of themselves and collapsing in a heap together in the centre of the control room.

"Ah, so you're going then?" Mckay asked idly.

Sheppard looked down at his tactical vest and the P90 clipped to it and gave Mckay a 'duh!' look.

"Oh yes, well enjoy. Have fun. I'm sure you'll have a great time," Mckay said jutting his jaw out and moving his eyes back down to his data pad.

"Rodney," Sheppard stated flatly as he crossed his arms, "I'm just taking the new guys away for a few days training."

"Hm," Mckay said with a dismissive flick of his hand, "Fine."

Sheppard examined his face, "Why don't you come along?"

Mckay's eyes widened and his mouth opened and closed like a fish.

"At least I offered."

"Well, if you think that's my idea of fun then you're mistaken. Strange energy readings or devices……." He looked up at Sheppard carefully, his mind obviously going back to what he had seen.

"It was nothing," Sheppard clarified.

"What I saw…."

"Was nothing."

Sheppard shook his head. He didn't have time to deal with Mckay, "See you in three."

He descended the steps to the gate room quickly, leaving Mckay standing at the top of the stairs. Eyes forward he arrived at the huddled recruits. Ten in all.

Lorne stepped out from the middle of the fray and gestured to the pile of supplies that they would be heaving through the gate with them.

"We're ready Sir." Lorne said.

"Okay," Sheppard said as he slapped him on the back, "Dial it up!"

_TBC_

_Another update tomorrow….and it's all going to start happening now. Plenty of whump to come and finally some explanations. PLEASE REVIEW :D_


	10. Chapter 10

_Drop off point reached, they disembarked from the chopper down secured lines. As soon as their feet touched soil, carabiners were disengaged, and they each took up a defensive position._

_Sheppard instinctively gripped his P90, aiming it up and straight ahead, finger poised on the trigger as his eyes scanned their surroundings for movement. Satisfied that they were momentarily safe, Sheppard fished into his tactical vest pocket and retrieved a Life Signs Detector, his only memento from Atlantis. _

_He was surprised to see that the surrounding area was clear, as their pilot had informed him, still having suspected that they would come across at least one Afghan patrol. _

_It was almost too quiet._

_----------------------_

Sheppard was feeling the full brunt of responsibility.

Ten new recruits were standing in front of him, ready to be molded into the soldiers that they would eventually be. All fresh out of basic training, they awaited eagerly for their new CO to speak.

Lorne was standing off to his right, probably smirking, as he watched Sheppard squirm. Lorne knew that his CO loathed giving inspirational speeches and being subjected to forced formality, so Lorne wasn't surprised when the first thing Sheppard said was, "Stand at ease."

The men before him looked at one another with wide eyes before slowly relaxing in what looked like an awkward and unintended Mexican wave.

Sheppard nodded and turned to Lorne, who was indeed smiling.

"This is Mx787. It's an uninhabited planet, looks……. a bit like a Vancouver forest. We use it for training, but you need to know that there is still a threat here."

"You've had your orientations, so you know what's at stake here. Anything can and will happen in the Pegasus galaxy."

Sheppard paused and decided to plough ahead pacing back and forth as he ordered his thoughts, "Firstly, there are three important rules that I want you to abide by."

Sheppard turned to Lorne again.

"And Major Lorne will tell you the first of these rules."

Lorne's smile slowly became a down turned frown and he gave Sheppard a good-natured glare.

Sheppard walked over to him and handed him a crumpled slip of paper where he had hastily scribbled down his three most important ideals.

Lorne read the first line aloud, "Rule number one. Always work together-" he met Sheppard's eyes, "-as a team. Watch each other's back. You watch your partner's back and he watches yours. That way, whatever the situation, you both get out alive."

_--------_

"_What's that?" Collins asked peering over Sheppard's shoulder as the chopper deserted them, stirring up the dirt like a mini tornado, and becoming a distant blip in the blue sky above them._

_Sheppard held his hand up and concentrated on looking at the screen. There was nothing around them so far. He jostled his gun and the LSD into a comfortable position and ignoring Collin's question shouted, "Let's move out! I'll take point, Lt Laraby take our six! Keep your eyes and ears open!"_

_He set off, trudging deliberately forward, sensing the tension amongst his men and their distaste at following his orders. _

_They had only been walking for ten minutes when Sheppard realized the full extent of their aversion._

_Two distinctive voices had grumbled over their footfalls and feeling his last nerve give way, Sheppard stopped abruptly and turned on his heel to see Laraby and Collins, looking at him with wide eyes, mouths half open from their interrupted conversation._

"_If you have a problem I suggest you voice it now," Sheppard stated feeling more and more like a diplomatic speaker. He swallowed the lump in his throat; he could really have used Elizabeth right now. With a pang of sadness, he noted how much he missed her, his friends and Atlantis. _

_Laraby looked down at the ground, "It's nothing **Sir**," he muttered stressing the 'Sir'._

_It obviously was._

_Sheppard closed his eyes briefly, letting a cool breeze brush his face and freeze the droplets of perspiration that were rolling down his cheeks. He was tired of fighting with these men. With the last few days catching up with him, he could feel himself reaching breaking point, just as he had broken when the Genii had stormed Atlantis. He carefully cultivated a relaxed exterior and it usually took a lot for that exterior to crack. He could feel it cracking now. For him to do this job, he would have to get angry. _

_After a few seconds, he snapped his eyes open, took a step forward, and grabbed Laraby by his wrist._

_He proceeded to drag the Lt away from the rest of the men like a petulant child, all the while silent and in forced control._

_The mask was slipping. All of the humiliation he had suffered at the hands of Laraby and these men, all of the anger he felt towards Stark started to boil to the surface and threaten to spill out and burn anything in its path._

_When Sheppard had reached a good distance, he let go of Laraby's wrist and said, "This isn't a playground." _

_Laraby clenched his jaw, fingers rubbing his sore wrist as he stared down at the ground._

"_Alex's death wasn't entirely my fault," Sheppard began knowing why Laraby had enacted his revenge on him and why he was having problems following his authority now. _

_He felt as though he was in front of the reviewing board again. Being blamed._

_Laraby looked up suddenly, the faint glimmer of a tremor around his mouth._

"_You need to keep your head clear and your eyes open. I'm not about to have another death on my conscience."_

_Laraby didn't move._

"_You're supposed to be one of the best the military has. Act like it," said Sheppard as he pushed passed him._

_He reached the rest of the men in a few strides, "Anyone else want a one on one?" he asked._

"_No?" he questioned, sounding more and more like Stark with every passing second, "Good. Now move. Out!"_

_Unexpectedly, his team followed him, their feet soundlessly embracing the ground, their breathing in complete synchronicity. The chatter had ceased and instead the men were focused. Focused on not stepping out of line and incurring their CO's wrath._

_As they neared the supposed entrance to the caverns, Sheppard could feel his insides twisting. He had a sickness in his stomach that mere mental commands could not rid him of the rolling sensation._

_His nausea continued in waves and he wondered if his men's respect would follow suit. They'd eventually question him again and again, he would have to assert authority and push through. He wished he could give them a resume of his recent acts. The Genii, the successful destruction of numerous Hive ships, his high position within Atlantis. He wondered whether any of that would make a difference to them._

_He knew that they could potentially come across a formidable enemy and he was taking five uninformed men with him. They needed to follow his lead and trust him. That was difficult to instill when Laraby was the vocal antagonist of the team. He just couldn't let go of the past._

_The past._

_Sheppard swallowed._

_So many regrets resurfaced in that single moment. Alex, Holland, Sumner, Gaul, Abrams……sixty Genii….the list went on and on._

_Moreover, he couldn't stop thinking about the fact that they all had no family. _

_They were all expendable._

_As his hands began to sweat in the heat of the day, Sheppard was aware that his hold on his P90 was becoming negligible, and that obsessing on the reasons they were chosen for this mission wasn't helping him any. He had to be in command. He had to show these men that his mind was a blank canvas, that his actions were based purely on instinct and expertise._

_They'd been walking for an hour, each of them sweating, stopping sporadically to have a sip on a canteen or wipe their beaded brows with the back of their hands. They moved in complete unison as if they were borne of the same unit and not just cobbled together. It seemed that Laraby's sudden silence was enough to beat the men into submission. _

_Sheppard knew that it didn't mean they were on any common ground. It just meant that they were letting their training take over, utilizing the skills they had learnt to move as one. Watching each other's backs because they had to._

_Sheppard could see the entrance to the catacombs ahead. He methodically scanned the ground, much as Ronon would have, for tracks. He could have used Ronon around. He could have intimidated his men with his great hulking stature. Then, he wouldn't have had so much trouble off them._

_He held up a fist and bent down onto one knee. The LSD was showing five life signs within the catacombs but no others. Sheppard licked his lips. Those five blips could be wraith or they could be Afghans, hell, they could be camel spiders for all he knew. The LSD was not clear in deciphering what each thing was and he was beginning to wish that he had Rodney along for the ride._

_Ronon, Rodney…….he about wished the whole team was there._

_They huddled together, hidden behind an outcrop of rock. Laraby pulled his backpack off his shoulder and carefully zipped it open to check the explosive contents._

_Sheppard could see that his men were waiting for him to speak, but he couldn't keep his eyes off the explosives. _

_Something wasn't sitting right._

"_Put those away," Sheppard instructed Laraby. _

_He reached into his pocket and retrieved a bulky radio. It was a secure link back to Stark._

"_Stay here," Sheppard said as he moved carefully away from his men shuffling in a tight crouch to stay hidden by the out jutting rocks._

_He was glad to see that his team were marking their position carefully and watching his back as he dialed the requisite number to contact base._

"_Failsafe, this is Groundhog. Do you read me?"_

_He heard a wave of static over the airways and tried a second time, glancing back to his men and making sure they were uncompromised._

"_Failsafe this is groundhog."_

_He could hear intermittent clicks as the operators connected him. Seconds passed as he waited for Failsafe to be contacted._

_The radio stuttered and staggered and finally a voice broke through, clear and concise, "This is Failsafe."_

_Sheppard recognized Stark's voice instantly and his sickness returned._

"_Failsafe, Groundhog requests information immediately." Sheppard gripped the radio tightly in his hand._

"_Communications should not be made on this channel."_

_Sheppard gripped the radio tightly and spoke rapidly, "I know. Groundhog requires important Intel."_

_Silence descended upon him and he watched as the wind picked up some of the dirt around his boots as he waited._

"_Understood. What nature?"_

_Sheppard licked his lips, he could feel perspiration dripping off him, beading his brow and making his T-shirt cling to his back, "Groundhog wants to know Failsafe's true intentions." Sheppard swallowed convulsively. What he was asking could get him in a lot of trouble. Hell, he was already in trouble._

_There was silence over the airwaves._

"_Failsafe?"_

_More static._

"_Failsafe?"_

_Sheppard could see his men looking over to him now, their eyes narrowed, wondering what was so important that Sheppard should break mission protocol._

"_Failsafe?"_

_Static._

"_Failsafe?"_

"_Groundhog. You have two hours to complete. Birds are in flight."_

_Sheppard felt his grip on the radio slip as he took in a shaky breath, "Understood."_

_He switched off the radio and pocketed it in one smooth motion._

_Birds in flight._

_An air strike. _

_It wouldn't completely destroy the Hive ship, but it would hopefully bury it. If they failed and didn't blow the ship internally, they were probably dead anyway._

_Two hours._

_Sheppard checked his watch as he hurriedly returned to his team._

_One hour and fifty-nine minutes left._

"_Sir?" Cole, one of the younger of the recruits, but one of the top of his class, met his CO's eyes with a look of tempered worry._

_Sheppard tried to keep his face neutral even though anger was warring with a distant acceptance._

_What he was about to say…..he was going to be taking a big risk. But, if it paid off…….._

"_The mission brief has changed," Sheppard stated._

_Collins exchanged a confused look with Martins._

"_I know," Sheppard said quickly, "We're now going in to retrieve data stored in a central room and then we're going to set a self destruct."_

"_Data?" Cole asked, "What data?"_

"_Intel," Sheppard lied._

"_How do you know that there even is a self destruct?" Collins asked._

_Sheppard sighed, "I've seen the schematics of this ship on the radar and…." He paused, "I've seen this type of thing before."_

_Laraby was pursing his lips, his fingers fidgeting nervously, his foot tapping on the dusty ground, "What the hell is this shit? What do you know?"_

_Sheppard was torn. He'd been told not to say a word, but it was becoming evident that he would have to give a little information. After all, they would have found out eventually that he had a unique insight into the layout of the ship. Explaining everything would take time, time that they didn't have. He didn't have time to tell them about the wraith, to have them ask him questions or even worse not believe him and then refuse outright to do the mission._

_He had been told to omit information about the wraith because it was suspected that the wraith could not have survived for such a long time under these conditions. Therefore, the team would go in and out, believing they were destroying a new type of aircraft, and would be none the wiser about the plight in the Pegasus galaxy._

"_The important thing that you need to know right now is that Colonel Stark has ordered an air strike on our position. He has given us-" Sheppard checked his watch and grimaced, "One hour and fifty five minutes to go inside and blow this ship to shit."_

_Again nervous looks were exchanged._

"_That's not enough time," Martins stated running his hand over his dark hair._

"_Why would he do that?" Collins asked with a note of suspicion in his voice._

_Sheppard ignored their comments and continued, "Now, I know of a way to destroy the craft, but I also need to retrieve data stored in one of its rooms."_

"_I was called on this mission to lay explosives," Laraby exclaimed._

"_Forget the explosives," Sheppard said in a low voice, "We're going in and getting out, all within that hour."_

"_I want to talk to Colonel Stark," Laraby stated._

"_That won't be possible."_

"_Something's going on. I don't trust you. I want to talk to the Colonel."_

"_I told you. The mission brief has changed," Sheppard said as he placed a protective hand over the radio._

"_Why would Colonel Stark order an air strike? That makes no sense," Andrews pondered, "Could we even get in and out in time?"_

_Laraby shook his head._

_Sheppard looked at each of his teams faces. Why was Stark doing this?_

_He tried to think coherently. _

_They had been sent on a mission to destroy a hive ship, or ship of unknown nationality as his men knew, none of them had any discernable family and an air strike had been ordered giving them little or no time to destroy the ship themselves or get away from the target area._

_If Sheppard hadn't known better he would say that he and the others were being set up. _

_Was that true? Why would Stark want Sheppard out of the way?_

_Sheppard let out a frustrated sigh._

_He felt sick. Damn! Even if they got out alive, away from the blast, the air strike would consist of multiple hits…..they would probably be killed as they ran away to safety._

_He could not rely on an air strike taking out the Hive ship. It had to be destroyed from the inside, which meant they were going in. If they managed to set the self-destruct they could get in and out quickly and then get Stark to cancel the strike._

_It all made no sense._

"_Look," Sheppard said quickly, "I've told you the mission. In and out as fast as possible and then we can all get back and Laraby," Sheppard met his eyes coldly; "You can lodge an official complaint to which I'm sure Colonel Stark will obligingly follow through. Now right this moment, we need to move quickly!"_

_He took another look at the LSD and then shoved it back into his pocket._

"_This way," he stated calmly getting back up and starting forward._

_Get in, set the self-destruct, grab data if they have time and out. _

_Easy._

_He stopped after a moment and realized they weren't following._

"_You need to start focusing. Whether you like it or not, **we **are a team. Now you watch my back and I'll watch yours. That way we get out alive."_

_Sheppard waited._

"_The air strike," Laraby stated._

"_We'll call it off once we've set the timer for the self destruct. Stark won't risk having visible US airplanes in the sky if he can help it." _

_He hoped._

"_Lets move."_

_Andrews spoke first, "Yes Sir."_

_Sheppard nodded, "This way."_

_As he moved towards the dark entrance to the catacombs, he could feel his heart rate beginning to increase and the sickness escalating. He swallowed a number of times, and turned back to his insolent team as they were swallowed by the mouth of the cave and admitted into the yawning jaws of danger._

_Sensing their low moods and distrust, Sheppard flicked on the light to his P90 and whispered,_

"_I need you to listen to me. I need you to do what I say or you're dead in here." _

_He was keeping his tone low and even, fearful that his voice would carry through to the blips and alert them to their position. Whatever those blips were._

_He watched as each of his men shared looks. He realized that they had seen his remark as a threat and he decided to amend it before they continued._

"_And it won't be at my hands, trust me," he stated before he turned around._

_Sheppard's P90 light cut through the darkness like a knife through butter, illuminating a narrow passageway where the walls looked manmade and smooth._

_Perhaps the Hive ship had been buried and the Afghans had pick axed their way in. Right into danger?_

_Sheppard took a step forward and started through the passageway uncertain as to what he would find the further they ventured inside._

TBC

Oh dear, hope this all makes sense…….very hard to write……..trying not to get myself muddled! Please review!


	11. Chapter 11

_Laraby watched as Sheppard moved ahead of them, dipping the light occasionally to check the condition of the ground he was stepping on. Laraby secretly hoped that Sheppard would miss a hole and fall into it. That would solve a problem. _

_The rest of these men may have just finished basic training, but Laraby had been on tour in Afghanistan four years prior to this mission. He would have commanded a lot more respect than Sheppard currently was._

"_This is shit," he heard Cole exclaim quietly._

"_This isn't a mission, this is punishment," Collins affirmed._

"_Yeah, we beat the guy up and this is what we get," Martins said with a smile._

_Laraby felt a modicum of guilt for that potentially career ending stunt. He knew it had been wrong to do that to his CO, but his anger had just taken over. Like it always did. He knew Sheppard before he was his ranking officer and then some. _

_He'd had been best friends with Alex. Brothers even._

"_Hey, I said you shouldn't have done that from the start," Andrews noted. _

_Andrews was a slight, younger man, with short black hair that was closely cropped and showed off an impressive scar along the back of his scalp. He had remained quiet, followed his CO's orders obligingly, and had tried to keep out of the bad mouthing and defamation of character that was going on._

"_Shut up Andrews," Laraby mouthed as he walked through the echoing cavern._

_What did this kid know? Young and inexperienced. Perhaps he would change his mind about Sheppard if he knew the truth._

_Laraby became distracted._

_There was a strange smell in the air that he couldn't place, and the walls were beginning to get slightly narrower, fuelling his latent Claustrophobia._

"_You think this guy is for real?" Collins asked._

_Laraby sighed, "No, he's a jerk."_

_He thought he saw Sheppard's back stiffen. He had obviously heard. Good._

"_He was responsible for my friend's death a few years back," Laraby said with the intent for Sheppard to hear._

_Holding his gun more firmly, Cole stepped closer to him, "Really?"_

"_Yeah," Laraby stated, "Colonel Stark ordered all teams to retreat when my friend Alex was captured by the Afghans. They said they would kill their American prisoners if they saw activity in the skies. Sheppard," he stumbled on the word, "defied Starks orders, took a chopper over enemy lines and…" he paused, "Sheppard's presence panicked the Afghans."_

"_They killed them?" Cole asked in a mystified voice._

_Laraby nodded, "Cut off their heads and dumped the bodies where we could find them."_

"_Shit," Cole muttered._

"_If he had followed Stark's orders, Alex would be alive and his fiancée would have a father for their child."_

"_What happened after that?" Martins asked._

"_Sheppard was court-martialed and nobody saw him after that."_

"_And now he turns up with a promotion," Martins said with a nod of understanding._

"_Yeah."_

"_You think it was his fathers influence?" Martins asked recalling Laraby's earlier mention of him when Sheppard was lying beaten in the shower stalls._

_Laraby shrugged, "He was a cold war hero, big influence…I'm sure it played a part."_

_--------------------_

_With every step, Sheppard had noted the gradual change in their surroundings. The once rough passageway had begun to take on a new life. Tendrils of a familiar organic matter spread itself over the walls as if it were trying to consume it. The ground, which had been uneven, abruptly leveled out. The odd scattering of sand, gave way to a polished surface where the gravel crunched under foot._

_They had entered the Hive ship._

_Funny, when he was in the Pegasus galaxy in that type of environment, it rarely made a dent in his nerves. He felt them now._

_Sheppard ran his hand over the walls and examined the sticky substance that came away on his fingers. He sighed and shone his light forwards._

"_What is this shit?" Collins asked as he poked at the wall with a disgusted impression._

_Laraby was quick to answer, giving the goo a prod with the end of his P90, "Looks like some kind of plant life."_

"_Well, whatever it is. It's gross and..it stinks," Collins said wrinkling his nose._

"_Neh, that's not-" Laraby felt his insides clench. _

_That smell. _

_He recognized it. _

_Something had died._

_Laraby turned and saw that his CO was standing deathly still. He was staring off ahead of them, his P90 light cutting through the darkness before him._

_He was reluctant to join him but walked over anyway and saw what Sheppard was looking at. _

_Two solid forms lying on the ground. _

_Bodies._

_That smell._

_Sheppard walked off before he could say a word._

_-------------------_

The first day of training had gone well. Sheppard and Lorne between them had managed to assemble the ten men into two teams and had set them about doing exercises that would build teamwork and encourage bonding. Sheppard had taken five men and Lorne had taken the other men. Tomorrow they would split up and have some real fun.

The men were certainly on their way to watching each other's backs.

Sheppard slowly ate his MRE and chatted to Lorne as the sun began to set.

"Anyone on your team giving you trouble?" Sheppard asked as he chewed his meal slowly.

He was forcing his meal down. He had no appetite despite their busy day.

Lorne shrugged, "Seem okay."

Sheppard grinned and dropped his finished MRE onto the ground in front of him. He stretched slowly, arching his back in an attempt to release the building tension in his muscles.

"We'll split up tomorrow." Lorne nodded, "Have a bit of fun on the last day."

Lorne scanned Sheppard's face and slowly started to smile, "You bought the paint guns?"

Sheppard nodded.

"How the hell did you smuggle those through?"

"Last shipment. Hid them in a box marked plastic sporks."

"And nobody noticed?"

"I made sure I was the one to personally deliver them to the commissary and…….I may have taken a quick detour to the armory and removed the offending items."

"Sneaky."

"Not sneaky Major," Sheppard noted, "Ingenious."

"Well, I think Doctor Weir will suspect something when we bring multi-colored recruits back through the gate."

As the light dipped, the air began to take on a chill. Sheppard suppressed a yawn and stood, "I'll take first watch."

Lorne dropped his waste into a black bag and wiped his hands down onto his pants as he stood, "You sure?"

Sheppard avoided his glance and resisted the urge to rub his tired eyes, "I'm good," he said with a firm nod.

Lorne studied his face and frowned, "Sir, have you slept yet?"

"Yes," Sheppard remarked turning away from him.

"Because, I could take first watch."

"I'll take it. You can relieve me in a few hours."

"Okay," Lorne stated and he turned back to the camp.

As Lorne set off back to the camp, Sheppard grabbed his P90 and clipped it onto his tactical vest. He checked his 9mil to make sure that it was fully loaded and ready to go and then strolled out towards the line of trees to find a good position to watch the camp.

He found a shaded area and leant up against the coarse bark of a tree.

With no one around, he finally let out a big yawn and shoved his hands into his pockets to warm his hands.

His fingers brushed a piece of paper and he pulled it out of his pocket to examine it.

It was his three rules.

He focused on Rule 2: _Know your enemy_.

His mind reeled back to Afghanistan as he threw the wadded piece of paper to the mud.

---------------------------------

_Sheppard approached the prone forms lying sprawled out on the floor and directed the beam of his flashlight onto the dried husks that were formerly living, breathing humans._

_Laraby and Collins had shadowed him and were the first to see the desiccated corpses up close._

"_What the hell?" Collins said in a low voice._

_Sheppard knelt down and stared at the two bodies, stomach churning as the evidence piled up. And not in a good way. _

_Sheppard flicked his tongue out to lick his dry lips as he crouched._

"_Sir?" Collins asked in a hesitant tone._

_Sheppard threw him a look over his shoulder, "Keep your eyes open," he stated evenly._

_Collins readjusted his grasp on his P90 and directed his flashlight further down the passage._

_The rest of his men joined them, eyes downcast as they saw the bodies._

_Andrews inexperience abruptly became apparent and he let out a garbled throaty sound as he saw the bodies and immediately turned away to vomit._

_Sheppard could understand the reaction. The bodies had been sucked dry, their eyes bulging open, hair thin wisps spiking up from their scalps, their fingers were clawing out for purchase and there was a deep and bloody feeding mark on each of their chests. Sheppard swallowed as he pressed a finger onto one of the bodies exposed, dry skin. It looked as though it would tear like paper. He swallowed thickly when his mind registered that the body was still warm._

_The attack had been recent._

_Only the sounds of Andrews retching kept the silence company as his team watched with morbid fascination._

_Sheppard reached for his LSD again and looked at the screen. Three blips now. _

_Could they be wraith? And if they weren't, then what? He drew in a sharp breath and recalled the incident with the wraith that had managed to survive on the downed wraith ship on the desert planet. The wraith didn't show up when they were hibernating, so it begged the question, were there hibernating wraith here, hibernating after their recent feed?_

_It was likely, if not definite._

_He reached down to his belt, grabbed his canteen, and then held it out to Laraby and Collins, "Help Andrews," he instructed calmly._

_Collins snatched the water out of Sheppard's hand and moved over to where Martins and Cole were already patting Andrew's on the back as he continued to dry heave._

_Laraby was rooted to the spot much like the organic tendrils that were sprouting out of the walls. He had never seen anything like it before in his life. These bodies looked unnaturally old, their uniforms distinctly familiar._

_They were uniforms of American soldiers._

_Laraby watched in a strange detached state as Sheppard carefully began to pat over the bodies, gently lifting each of their heads to retrieve dog tags. Each time he recovered one; he wrapped it up and placed it in his pocket. _

"_Sir," Laraby began._

_Sheppard held up a finger to silence him._

_Laraby continued to watch._

_Sheppard methodically checked the contents of each corpses pockets and Laraby was surprised when Sheppard pulled out a wallet and took out the photo that was inside._

_Laraby didn't know what he was witnessing._

_Sheppard continued his work, extricating photos and personal effects before finally straightening up._

"_So we can tell their families," Sheppard explained in a low voice as he stared down at the men he suspected to be part of the special ops recon mission. _

_Laraby narrowed his eyes, "Why didn't the Afghans take their personal effects? They might have important Intel on-"_

"_Because they're not so bothered about the humans," Sheppard announced as he scanned their surroundings distractedly._

_Humans? Laraby was confused. Sheppard knew something._

"_How did those bodies-" Laraby started._

_Sheppard turned back to him, "I don't think we're dealing with the Afghans."_

_The bodies drew his attention again. Definitely not the Afghans._

"_What's going on?"_

_Andrews straightened up behind them and wiped his mouth, "Sorry sir," he said shakily as he turned to Sheppard._

"_It's okay," Sheppard announced._

_Laraby whipped his head around to Sheppard. It was okay? Andrews had shown immense weakness, he had thrown up in front of a superior and it was okay?_

"_Take a moment to-" Sheppard was interrupted by a horrendous sound that echoed down the vacuous corridors._

_He turned quickly holding his gun up in a commonly executed move. His team followed in unison, the tension palpable._

_-----------------------_

Sheppard tossed and turned in the cramped confines of his tent. He was bone tired after his stint on watch but couldn't seem to rest. He twisted and turned and stretched and arched and heaved great heavy weight of the world sighs as he fought to get comfortable in his sleeping bag.

There was a chill in the air but he was insufferably hot. He was tired but teetering on the frightening edge of wakefulness. That imperceptible time when the body is over alert and subject to exaggerated jumpiness.

He closed his eyes and willed himself to switch off for one second. All he wanted was one god damned minute of blissful nothingness. He didn't want to think. He wanted to forget.

But he couldn't forget. The memory of those bodies was imprinted in his mind.

------------------------------

"_What was that?" Cole asked in a shaky voice._

_The scream was desperate, laced with a pain that was obviously excruciating. It faded out abruptly. Cut off._

_-----------------------------_

Sheppard shouted into his pillow. Low and throaty and filled with anguish.

Was this memory never ending? Would he ever be able to forget that mission and move on?

Mistake after mistake after mistake.

It hadn't been his fault, he told himself as he clawed at the edge of the sleeping bag and pulled it over his shoulders.

It was Starks.

Nevertheless, he'd played a part.

Sheppard removed his hand from the sleeping bag and slammed his fist down into the ground as hard as he could. He felt an initial burst of pain in his fingers and wrist and an ache that traveled up to his shoulder. It felt good. Meant he was alive.

Alive. Like they weren't.

He'd failed them.

Some Commanding Officer he was.

-----------------------------------------

"_We need to help them," Laraby said quickly._

_Sheppard was in agreement but he didn't know what they were going to come across, or more to the point, he knew and they didn't._

"_Look," he began hurriedly, "You've been lied to, by me, by Colonel Stark and-"_

_Another howling scream forked through the air._

"_We need to get in there," Collins said anxiously, "Whatever is happening up there sounds nasty."_

"_It could be the Afghans-" Cole suggested._

"_Lookit!" Sheppard said sharply, "Listen to me, we-"_

_Laraby was the first to step forward, his gun aimed forward, his fingers tensing._

_Sheppard slammed a palm into his chest and cringed, "Lt-"_

"_Colonel," Laraby enunciated slowly, "Sounds like something is going on up there and-"_

_Sheppard didn't have time to tell them about the wraith. Another sound rang out and despite nerves and fear his team were edging towards it. He checked his watch anxiously. Not enough time._

_Sheppard turned to his men and instructed darkly, "Stay behind me. We find the source of the noise you do as I say. Understood?"_

_In turn, each man begrudgingly nodded, their dislike of their CO steadily being overridden by a deep seated need to follow his command._

_Sheppard couldn't help but notice that Laraby was the only one not to nod._

"_Understood?"_

_Laraby looked to Sheppard and then back down at the bodies. His mind was still reliving the way Sheppard had carefully taken the effects off each body. He felt a flourish of something. Respect? Surprise? Fear? What did he know?_

_Laraby felt his throat constrict as a soft wailing echoed towards them._

"_Laraby?"_

"_Yes Sir," Laraby stated flatly._

_Sheppard nodded and started towards the noise._

_They navigated the passages swiftly; Sheppard leading as he mentally recalled how the Hive ship was laid out. He had been in them more times than he would like to count and knew how they were organised. Where they were heading right now was the central core, where he would be able to access the data if he had time._

_Time. They had no time._

_Self-destruct would take him a section lower and would be the best option to destroy the Hive ship._

_They reached a narrow passageway and advanced slowly._

_Shepard at point regulated his breathing so he could hear over the swell in his ears. He could feel his heart rate slowing as he switched off his flashlight. He didn't want to alert anyone or anything to his presence._

_He also needed to keep his men behind him. He had to protect them._

_He couldn't do it. He stopped, spun around and held his hands up to stall his men._

_-----------------------_

His heart was beating too fast. Du duh du duh du duh du in quick succession. Fluttering palpitations made his vision speckle with white dots.

He decided there and then as he lay staring up at the roof of his tent, that he was suffering from a nervous breakdown, either that or he had lost his mind and he was sitting in a padded white cell somewhere babbling like an idiot.

He'd let this mission get to him. Stress? Was it too much?

Well, it was certainly giving credence to his 'nervous breakdown' theory.

"I've gone insane," he said in a low voice.

He laughed and rubbed at his eyes, hysterical energy flooding his veins and bubbling under the surface.

He really needed to sleep.

----------------------------------------

"_Sir?" Andrews whispered._

"_I can't do this-" Sheppard declared._

_Laraby didn't miss a beat, "I knew it!"_

"_I **can't **let you go in there unprepared despite what Colonel Stark believes is in your best interests," he sighed, "I have reason to believe that what we are up against are not Afghans-"_

"_Then wha-"_

_Sheppard cut Martins off., "Let me finish. I believe that they are wraith-"_

"_What?" Cole asked._

_Sheppard looked back over his shoulder and checked that the coast was clear before continuing, "Wraith," he said firmly, "they're not…"_

_They wouldn't believe him, "They're…..different from us."_

_His men were looking at him blankly and Laraby was wearing an expression that conveyed confusion and amusement._

"_They are formidable, strong and if I tell you to shoot the hell out of them, you do it. No questions, just do it."_

_They nodded but they looked skeptical._

"_Stay behind me."_

_He advanced towards the core._

_The room Sheppard entered was tall and circular with various bizarre consoles dotted around the room like some kind of rare disease._

_Sheppard stopped in the doorway and saw three men in front of him. _

_Sheppard held his hand up to halt his team behind._

"_Stay," he ordered as he took a few tentative steps._

_He gave himself a minute to assess the situation. Three men tied up to a central column of wires and organic matter. In their hands were shiny spherical explosives, and their mouths were gagged. There was a horrible moment as one of the soldiers, presumably the other missing special ops, met his eyes and held the glare. _

_Sheppard could see that two of the men had been fed on, their heads sagging even as they tried to keep their focus up to the ceiling. _

_Sheppard glanced back at his team and then down to the three men, eventually stopping in front of the soldier not to have been fed on. _

_The one that had met his eyes._

_Sheppard noticed that he was now looking up at the ceiling, sweat running into his eyes, and he was breathing heavily._

_Looking up._

_Flicking his eyes to Sheppard and then up again._

_Sheppard frowned and a realization struck him so hard he felt mentally winded._

_-----------------_

In his tent, Sheppard snapped his eyes open, "I should have known."

--------------------

_They were looking up._

_Sheppard felt his heart seize._

_They were looking up at the ceiling._

"_What the hell are you doing?" Laraby said loudly._

_Sheppard turned back to him, "Stay where you are," he whispered._

"_They're tied up," Laraby reasoned in an elevated voice._

"_Keep your damn voice down," Sheppard rasped._

_Before he could stop him, Laraby rushed forward, the other men followed, and they started to try to untie the Soldiers._

"_Don't!" Sheppard said as he slowly drew his eyes upward, "They're holding explosives."_

_The men were still trying to untie the soldiers as Laraby inspected the devices without touching them. He was top of his class, still was in many respects. He was reeducated periodically to ensure he knew of any recent new explosive devices. The device the soldier was holding was new to him. He had never seen anything like it before and in his book, that made it even more dangerous._

_The soldier who was cupping the device fearfully looked up and tried to talk through the gag._

"_What's he trying to say?" Collins asked as he tried to get to his soldiers bound hands without disturbing the device. _

_They're hands were bound in front of them and tethered to another rope that was pulled tightly around their waists. He couldn't see of a way to get them out of their current predicament without setting off a fatal explosion._

_Laraby tugged down the soldiers gag, but he was too busy monitoring the ceiling above them, "Hey," he said, "You know what this is?"_

_The soldier was silent, lips moving soundlessly._

"_Can you disarm it?" Cole asked as he nervously peered over Laraby's shoulder._

"_I can't disarm something I've never seen before."_

_Laraby looked over to Sheppard and saw him standing still, his neck craned and his eyes unwavering from the ceiling._

"_Sir?" Laraby conceded, "I can't disarm this, that is, if it's even active."_

"_Get out of here now," Sheppard ground out._

_Sheppard could feel his heart rate beginning to struggle back up to an unnatural speed as he pointed his P90 upwards, his mouth had gone inexplicably dry and his throat had constricted._

"_You want us to leave them here?" Cole asked in an uncertain voice._

_Sheppard felt sick, he clenched his jaw, as he fought to focus on the darkness._

"_Get. Out!" Sheppard shouted suddenly. _

_Time slowed and sped up all at once._

_Sheppard watched as wraith descended from the ceiling and all hell broke loose._

TBC

Whumpsacomin :D

Please review :D


	12. Chapter 12

_Thanks for all of the reviews. They keep me motivated to type. This is a difficult story to piece together so I hope what I want to say is actually being conveyed in the story._

_I'm trying to update as quickly as possible without compromising the story._

--------------------------------------

Sheppard awoke abruptly, a scream catching in his throat, choking him, as he righted himself. He wiped a hand across his perspiring forehead and pushed himself out of his sleeping bag in one refined motion.

He spent a moment reorienting himself as consciousness chased away his nightmares.

He could hear light snoring in the distance as the wind whistled over his tent.

He remembered. He was off-world with his recruits.

He recovered his P90, pulled on his tac vest and unzipped his tent as quietly as he could.

The bracing night air on his crawling skin was bliss and he scrubbed his hands over his face and through his disheveled hair before seeking out Adams and another kid called King, who had taken over from his watch.

He found the two men in a similar position to where he had left them and strolled over with a leisurely gait, "I'll take over," he said as he looked up at the starry sky.

Sheppard could sense that King was checking his watch and when he spoke he could hear the confusion in his voice, "But, we've only been on watch for an hour and a half. We've still got another hour to go."

Sheppard nodded, "I know. Go on, get some sleep."

King and Adams exchanged looks.

"That's an order," Sheppard stated in a tone devoid of authority.

He didn't have the energy or the inclination to have an argument. He had had too many of those lately. He just wanted them to accept his words and leave.

He flicked his hand dismissively, "Hey, I'm doing you two a favour. It won't happen again," he said quirking an eyebrow as he leant against the tree.

"Thanks sir," Adams stated tiredly.

When they had gone, Sheppard shivered and started moving from one foot to the other in a bid to stay warm. Somehow, he didn't think his shivering was down to the cold though.

------------------

_All hell broke loose._

_Four wraith had descended from the darkness, dropping soundlessly from the bowels of the Hive ship._

_An imperceptible fear and uncertainness pulsated in the air as Sheppard realized the true extent of his men's inexperience. They had never seen such strange beings, and much less knew how to deal with them._

_Sheppard depressed the trigger on his P90 and fired a torrent of bullets into the closest wraith and staccato gunfire echoed around him from his fearful men, as the wraith stepped forwards._

"_Fallback!" Sheppard shouted._

_His men began to creep backwards, fear overriding their previous concerns regarding their CO's leadership abilities, and Sheppard followed them through the yawning exit that lead back through the confusing corridors._

_They were running through the organic corridors, their P90 lights cutting through the darkness, casting eerie shadows across the walls, when Laraby slowed and shouted, "What about the men back there?"_

_Sheppard turned to him and quickly glanced over his shoulder, "They're already dead," he said in a hollow tone. _

_It was the truth. No point in sugar coating it._

"_But they were alive," Laraby said as he glared at the other members of his team, willing them to side with him, "We have to try."_

_Desperation laced his voice._

_Sheppard shook his head, "We'll fallback and formulate a new plan."_

_Laraby worked his jaw and shook his head defiantly, "I'm going back."_

"_**No**, you're not," Sheppard stated sharply. _

_It was in this moment that Sheppard saw a lot of himself in Laraby. He had been on the other end of a discussion similar to this a few years ago and he'd acted the same._

_Laraby turned to leave and Sheppard reached out and grabbed him by his shoulder, spinning him to face him. Sheppard was surprised when Laraby lashed out, pushing him back against the wall with untapped strength and saying, "I'm going!"_

_Sheppard pushed Laraby off him and gripped him by his tactical vest, "You are not going back. That's an order!"_

_Laraby shrugged Sheppard off, "You of all people." He spat, "Come on….this is what you're best at. You defied Starks orders…….you're a damn hypocrite."_

_Sheppard grit his teeth, "And look what happened. It got people killed." Sheppard moved into Laraby's personal space, "We'll go back, but not yet. We need to find a defensive position because trust me……we're going to need to if we have any chance of getting out of here alive."_

_Laraby stepped back, smoothed down his vest and shook his head._

"_What the hell were those things Sir?" Cole asked from behind him._

_Sheppard kept his eyes on Laraby's, "They're the Wraith."_

"_I knew you knew something," Laraby stated._

_Sheppard pulled his LSD out of his tactical vest and watched the blinking red dots that were advancing on their position. He showed it to Laraby._

"_They're coming. We need to get in position."_

_Laraby looked back over his shoulder as if he was still considering running. _

"_We're going back to that room," Sheppard said._

_Laraby closed his eyes briefly. Common sense won over and with a heavy sigh he nodded and reluctantly followed Sheppard's lead._

_---------------------_

"Okay," Sheppard called out as his men lined up in front of him, "Major Lorne's team has gone to an undisclosed location, and we are going to find them."

He paced back and forth, watching the dark clouds above him roll ominously.

"The objective is to capture and detain the opposite team, but…" he held up a finger, "If you are hit by paint then you are out."

He could see that his teams faces were lit up, raring to go, excited and pumped up with adrenaline.

"This is a game," Sheppard announced, "So have some fun, but remember in real combat situations, you get hit, you don't get a second chance."

The first spot of rain fell onto his arm.

"Okay, fallout!"

His men started to get suited up. They were still wearing full gear, the paint, Sheppard had been assured would wash off and each of his men still had their P90's and 9mils on hand just in case.

Now for the fun part.

_-------------------------------_

"_Now!" Sheppard called out._

_Each of his men stepped out from their respective hiding places and peppered a barrage of bullets into the oncoming wraith. There were only three, which meant that that the fourth one had stayed behind._

_Their bullets didn't seem to be making much of a dent in the wraiths demeanor and they kept on coming, intent on feeding._

_Sheppard watched as wraith number one produced a stunner. _

"_Get out of the way!" he shouted through the din._

_Before the wraith could fire the stunner, Sheppard ran forwards and used his weight to tackle the wraith to the ground. They became entangled, both struggling for purchase, hands grappling with material to keep the other pinned. Sheppard managed to roll off the wraith, retrieving his P90 in the process and launched a torrent of bullets into its side._

_Black blood spurted onto the floor but it did nothing to slow the wraith. It got to its feet, reached out for Sheppard's tactical vest and hauled him up._

"_You cannot hope to defeat us," it rasped._

_Sheppard could sense his men standing there in muted fear as they watched his feet leave the ground. _

"_Fire your weapons!" he shouted as the wraith tossed him back._

_Sheppard felt his back connect with the wall and he slid down to his hands and knees. The air was shoved from his lungs, leaving him woozy and breathless. His ears were ringing as he shook his head and as he tried to stand, he found himself staggering from dizziness. He steadied himself, blinked a few times, and then readjusted his hold on his gun._

_He pushed himself off the wall towards Cole and Martins, who were stunned before he could reach them. They dropped to the ground soundlessly, their guns clattering ineffectually beside them. Sheppard knew that sensation all too well and had been on the receiving end of a stun blast more times than he could remember. Cole and Martins had only taken glancing stunner blows, but it would still leave them immobilised for quite some time._

_Maybe ten-fifteen minutes._

_Too long._

_The wraith then turned and began to stalk confidently over to Andrews and Collins, a sneer curling it's pale features._

"_Sir!"_

_Sheppard turned to look over his shoulder to where Laraby was battling it out with another of the wraith. _

_Wraith number two. _

_Laraby was stepping back and trying to reload his weapon with shaking fingers._

_Sheppard turned to Collins and Andrews._

_He was torn. _

"_Help Laraby!" Collins called out as he rammed another cartridge into his P90 and depressed the trigger effortlessly._

_Deciding Laraby was more in need of his help, Sheppard ran over to him._

_He used the butt of his P90 to slam it into the wraith's temple. It was sent backwards screeching in agony._

"_What the hell are these things?" Laraby asked as he watched the wraith right itself. _

_It was the kind of thing you imagined to be hiding under your bed as a child. The stuff of nightmares. They had incredible strength and a strange fighting technique._

_Sheppard stepped in front of Laraby and depressed the trigger on his P90._

_Laraby followed his lead, sending his own bullets into the wraith as it advanced on them._

_As its body was packed with bullets it jerked and weaved drunkenly, but still, it moved towards them._

_Suddenly, a shrill scream cut through the chamber and sent a shiver through Sheppard._

"_Oh my-" Laraby was sidetracked, rooted to the spot, mesmerized by what he was witnessing._

_Sheppard twisted, and could see that Andrews was being fed on by a wraith. Deepening lines around his face and mouth signified that already, he was past saving. Collins was repeatedly shooting the wraith, but the wraith's injuries were healing, fuelled by the years that he was stealing from Andrews._

_Having been distracted himself, Sheppard felt something slam into his side._

_He was sent sprawling to the floor, his head connecting hard on impact. He was abruptly pulled onto his back and a taloned hand scored across his face. He felt his blood dribbling down his face as the wraith went to plunge its hand down into his chest._

_Sheppard's hand was pinned and although he could get a finger hold onto his 9mil, he couldn't get it out of the holster. _

_Arms tensing, fingers reaching, lungs burning, Sheppard tried to pluck the weapon out from his holster. Exhaustion and physical pain were colliding to make him feel weak and disoriented._

_Just as the wraith's hand was over his chest it let out a wail and pitched forwards, pressing Sheppard onto the hard floor, crushing his abused ribs, its last breath hissing out past his ear._

_Sheppard managed to roll it off and was surprised when Laraby's hand was thrust into his own and he was pulled back up to his feet._

"_Thought you could use some help," Laraby said quickly as his eyes scanned the dark corridor._

"_Thanks," Sheppard replied quickly moving around to where Collins was being pinned to the wall by a wraith. _

"_Shit!" Collins cried out as he fought to reload his P90, all the while taking small steps backwards. Wraith number three had joined 'two' to trap their food._

_Sheppard went to fire his P90 and heard the audible click, which indicated that it was out of bullets._

_Laraby passed him a cartridge and he loaded it quickly._

"_I'll take the one on the right, you take the one on the left," Sheppard said as he moved forwards._

"_Yes sir," Laraby replied as he withdrew his 9mil._

_Laraby had never been so scared in all of his life. Of course, he wasn't going to admit that. A good soldier didn't. Colonel Sheppard wasn't. He was moving forward despite being injured._

_Collins fired off a few rounds, but couldn't prevent being hit by a stun blast. His body juddered, his face contorted into an expression of pain and the weapon fell to the floor by his feet. A further small convulsion and he himself dropped down next to his gun._

_It became a matter of instinct and self-preservation._

"_You ready to do this?" Sheppard asked._

_Laraby swallowed thickly and nodded._

_Sheppard breathed in slow controlled pants in an attempt to stop the rush of blood roaring through his ears._

_When he and the wraith met, they moved as if they were performing a choreographed dance._

_Sheppard ducked, side-stepped the wraith's outstretched hand and then straightened up, gun poised to take fire._

_He was too slow to miss the wraith's crushing blow to his chest that had him slamming backwards into Laraby. His gun was torn from his hands and went skittering across the floor and out of his reach._

_Sheppard was sent to the ground as a wave of dizziness hit him. He tried to catch his breath, his vision swimming with white dots as he fought to pull in enough oxygen._

_It was Laraby's own grunt of pain that had Sheppard looking back up, despite his injury. Laraby was being pinned to the wall by the wraith, his tactical vest had been torn open and it was only a matter of time before the wraith would feed._

_Using all of his energy to drag himself back up to his feet, Sheppard moved forward and drove his body into the wraiths. As they toppled to the ground and Laraby sank to the floor, Sheppard pushed his 9mil into the wraith's side and fired again and again until he had emptied his clip._

"_Sir!"_

_Sheppard looked down at the wraith, waiting for movement, assuming that Laraby was dealing with the other one._

"_Sir?"_

_Sheppard shook his head and turned back to Laraby. He was kneeling on the ground, staring over to the corner of the room where the last wraith was feeding on Collins._

_Sheppard scrambled over to Laraby on his knees, grabbed the mans P90 and shot the wraith in the back. Once the clip had been expended, his popped in another and fired again until the wraith sank to the floor lifelessly._

"_Is he dead?" Laraby asked when Sheppard dropped his head._

_Sheppard curled his arm around his chest protectively and took a moment to assess his injuries. He'd broken some of his ribs, he had a nasty gash on his head which meant he was probably concussed and his back ached and throbbed from continually being thrown to the ground._

_Laraby had bruises on his cheekbone, a cut on his neck and he too was curled inwards as if he'd suffered an internal injury._

"_Is he?" Laraby repeated._

_Sheppard looked up, "Yes."_

"_What……..are these things?" Laraby asked from the floor. He was breathing hard and fast, his hand resting on his side._

_Sheppard pushed himself up and moved over to the wall to steady himself. There was something metallic at the back of his throat, pooling every now and then, to make him feel sick and shaky._

"_They're not……from around here, are they?" Laraby asked as he stood and paced nervously. _

_Sheppard having recovered some of his strength passed Laraby his weapon and went over to where Collins was lying and retrieved his P90, sparing a glance at Collins aged exterior._

"_Sheppard?" Laraby asked._

_Sheppard took in a deep experimental breath and let it go in one quick exhalation, "No."_

_The two men shared a long look._

_Laraby finally broke the silence, his voice filled with exasperation, "Well what in the hell is going on here? You know something. I know you do."_

_Sheppard glanced over to where Martins and Cole were still lying motionless and then back to Laraby._

"_We need to get these two into a safe position. We can come back for them after we've tried to help the men in the main chamber."_

_Laraby stood up slowly, "Sheppard."_

"_I wanted to tell you," Sheppard began, "But Stark-"_

"_Forget Stark."_

_Laraby gripped hold of Martins as Sheppard took hold of Cole. They dragged the two unconscious men through to an intersecting room that was small, circular, but safe._

_Once the two men were propped up comfortably, Sheppard moved over to the entrance and checked that the coast was clear._

"_Anything?" Laraby asked as he nervously shuffled from one foot to the other._

"_Nothing," Sheppard answered as he fished into his pocket for some Tylenol and dry swallowed two tablets._

_Sheppard shook his head. Pushing through the nausea and his throbbing headache, he knew he had to tell Laraby what was going on. This wasn't just speculation anymore. The wraith were here._

"_For the past few years, I have been on an expedition in…" he paused and realised what he was about to say would sound ridiculous, "..another galaxy."_

_Laraby immediately laughed harshly, "You're kidding me right?"_

_Sheppard's demeanour remained stalwart and serious. He continued, "Look…..these wraith. These aliens. They have culled thousands of worlds and they're not going to be stopped easily."_

"_This sounds……." Laraby shook his head, "This sounds ridiculous."_

"_I know how it sounds but it's the truth. You are standing in one of their ships. A hive ship and our mission, the real mission was to come here and blow this thing up so the Afghans couldn't get hold of this technology. Although, I'm starting to doubt that reason. In fact, I think we were all lied to." _

_Sheppard checked his watch, "Now, in less than an hour an air strike Stark has ordered will be here."_

"_I still don't understand why Stark would have ordered that air strike."_

"_I'm still working on that one myself."_

"_So this is…" Laraby laughed again and walked over to one of the walls, "This is an alien ship?"_

"_Yes."_

"_And these Wraith, are…aliens?"_

"_Yeah."_

_Laraby pressed the pad of his thumb up to his finger and closed is eyes._

"_I know how this all sounds, but you've seen with your own eyes what the wraith are capable of…..how strong they are……."_

_Laraby's head shot up, "These wraith…….they…..it looked like they sucked the life out Andrews and Collins."_

"_They did."_

_Laraby walked over to the far wall and slid down it, his hands going up to his head and massaging his temples, "This is a lot to take in right now."_

"_I know," Sheppard acknowledged._

"_Aliens. Alien ships," Laraby laughed again._

"_We need to set the self destruct and get out of here."_

"_We can't leave those men here," Laraby said._

"_As I told you before, they're already dead."_

"_They were alive!"_

"_Okay," Sheppard said, "If…we have time and I mean if."_

"_Thank you," Laraby said._

"_Look, we have two men here who are alive. We need to set the self destruct and get out of here before that air strike which is in…" Sheppard checked his watch. The watch face had been smashed in._

_Laraby checked his own and said, "Forty five minutes. It's not enough time."_

"_It is if we leave now."_

_-----------------------------------------_

_When they entered the main chamber, it was quiet and there was no sign of the other wraith. Sheppard was dismayed to see that the special ops soldier, who had previously retained his years, had been fed on in the interim and now his hollow, aged eyes watched them._

_Sheppard moved over to one of the consoles and ran his fingers along it, mentally trying to recall what he had seen Rodney do a million times over._

"_You think you can set that self destruct?" Laraby asked in a whisper._

"_I've spent enough time with Rodney over the past few years. I should be able to."_

"_Rodney?" Laraby asked as he walked around the chamber._

"_Doctor Rodney McKay," Sheppard answered as he examined the console, "Our resident genius." He looked up and over to Laraby, "But, don't ever tell him I said that."_

_Laraby shrugged. As if he'd ever get to meet this Doctor McKay._

_When Sheppard found what he was looking for he used his knife to prise open the console and expose the mass of organic wires that lay beneath._

"_Thank you Rodney," Sheppard muttered as worked._

_Laraby was scouting the area, methodically checking the ceiling while Sheppard had his back to him. He looked down at the men tied up in the centre of the room and felt guilt wash over him. Two of the men were unresponsive but the man between them was alive, just, his eyes following Laraby around the room._

_Laraby shot a look at Sheppard and then back to the special Ops soldier._

"_Well, I've found the data storage device, "Sheppard mumbled._

_Laraby looked up from the special ops soldier and nodded._

"_Keep your eyes open," Sheppard said as he extracted the data storage device and held it up with a grin._

_Laraby couldn't keep his eyes off the soldier staring up at him._

"_Now," Sheppard said as he walked over to another console. _

_It was much larger, more central and Sheppard went about the same routine. Prising open the compartment and exposing the consoles internal guts._

"_You okay?" Sheppard asked as he flicked his attention between Laraby and the LSD._

"_Yeah," Laraby answered._

"_I've got nothing on the LSD so far-"_

"_LSD?" Laraby asked._

_Sheppard smiled apologetically, "Sorry, Life Signs Detector."_

"_Oh, right," Laraby nodded. He had no idea what one of those was but it sounded like something he saw in a Star Trek episode he watched one time._

_Sheppard continued, "- but keep watch anyway, these things are fast," he disappeared under the console._

_The special ops soldier was still watching him._

_Laraby couldn't do it. He had to help the soldier. Kneeling down and clipping his P90 back onto his vest, he tried to untie the bindings._

"_I really have no idea what I'm-" Sheppard started, "Hang on."_

_Laraby looked up, going deathly still when he expected Sheppard to look over and see that he was defying his orders. Ironic. He had berated Sheppard about defying Starks orders and now he was doing the same. Maybe they weren't so different._

"_I think I've found the main couplings for the self destruct…I vaguely remember Rodney…" he tailed off as he worked._

"_I'm going to get you out of here," Laraby whispered._

_The special ops soldier nodded._

_Laraby reached forward to tug at the soldiers bindings._

"_Okay, looks like I've found something," Sheppard said loudly._

_Laraby felt sweat roll down his forehead and he wiped it away with the back of his hand._

"_Shouldn't be too much longer-"_

_Sheppard's voice faded into the background as Laraby continued to free the Soldier. He had just located the main knot when a shadow descended over him._

_He gulped._

_Wraith, he thought dryly._

_Definitely fast._

_The next thing he knew, he was being lifted off the floor and being tossed across the room as if he weighed nothing. He struck the wall, his head connecting hard and he sank to the ground, unable to move as he breathed through the pain._

_Sheppard had heard the noise, looked up and had unexpectedly been grabbed by the back of his tactical vest and yanked down to his knees._

_He dropped the data storage device in the process and stared up and into the eyes of a wraith. _

_Wraith number four. _

_He could feel his control waning even as the wraith held him in his gaze. He couldn't move, couldn't reach his P90 which was at arms length, couldn't remove himself from the wraiths probing hold. It was trying to get inside his mind and extract the secrets that lay there._

"_They said you would come," the wraith informed Sheppard with a flick of his head._

_Sheppard slid his eyes over to where the soldiers were watching him._

_The wraith was in his mind, its voice echoing around his brain, giving him a headache, his thoughts were no longer his own._

"_Are there more of you here?" Sheppard managed to force out through his teeth._

_The wraith nodded._

"_You have come here to destroy this ship," the wraith stated._

_Sheppard clamped his mouth shut but found himself nodding anyway._

"_I can't let you do that," the wraith informed him, "We have waited to long."_

"_There……are……more…..coming?" Sheppard grit out._

"_Yes."_

"_You haven't left……"_

"_We do not have the numbers. But soon….."_

_Homing beacon. He had to be referring to a homing beacon. Was that why Stark had ordered an air strike Had he known that they were broadcasting? No. It made no sense and it still didn't explain the immediacy of this mission. Stark had called the air strike for a different reason._

_What did make sense was that these wraith hadn't ventured out yet. They obviously saw the merits of having billions of humans versus a handful of wraith. _

_They had no chance._

_They were waiting until they had the right numbers._

"_I……….can't…..let….that happen," Sheppard said._

_Sheppard slid his eyes over to where Laraby was lying on the floor. He thought he saw Laraby's foot twitch, the first indication that he was tentatively making his way back to consciousness._

_The wraith gripped Sheppard firmly, yanked him upwards and stared him straight in the eyes, probing, trying to coax forth-new information that he could use to his advantage._

_There was a beat before the wraith's eyes narrowed and his mouth formed into a twisted sneer, "Atlantis," it rasped._

_Sheppard swallowed the hard constricting lump that was forming in his throat and tried to keep his face as neutral as possible._

"_The Lanteans were on the verge of defeat" the wraith said._

_Sheppard licked his lips, felt the beads of perspiration dribbling down the side of his face as he tried to keep information locked away from the wraith._

"_The wraith were defeated," Sheppard ground out, "You're the last of your kind. No ones coming to rescue you."_

_He knew his words were echoing the last time he met a wraith that had survived for thousands of years. He was telling this one the same story._

"_I do not believe you."_

_He was trying to breathe in slow increments; every breath pulled on his muscles and brought new pain to his broken ribs. They were burning, aching, the throb unrelenting, an unwelcome distraction._

"_You came here from Atlantis."_

"_You're not going to win this war," Sheppard said quickly, "the wraith are long gone. You're the last of your-"_

"_You will be the first to be fed on," the wraith said looking over to where Laraby was moving his arm up to his head._

"_I've killed many of your kind," Sheppard grit out._

_The wraith let go of Sheppard and he visibly deflated. His shoulders sagged and his face paled. The wraith circled him, craning his head to the side._

"_You…are….different," it rasped._

_Sheppard swallowed and tasted that blood again._

_Laraby was awake. Sheppard could see him lying there, eyes wide open, obviously waiting for the right moment._

"_You…are Lantean?" the wraith asked._

_Sheppard licked his lips. _

_The wraith nodded, "Perhaps, I should keep you alive."_

_Laraby lolled his head towards him and met his eyes, eyebrows drawn down in confusion._

_Sheppard found the young special ops soldier, his own eyes moving down to the device in his hand._

_Sheppard, by some miracle, understood what the soldier was trying to say with his eyes._

_Sheppard nodded._

_It seemed that a silent plan was beginning to get set in motion._

"_Are there more of you here?" Sheppard asked as he moved towards Laraby._

_The wraith mirrored him, "They sleep."_

_Sheppard locked onto Laraby._

_The wraith followed him._

_Sheppard nodded._

_Laraby did the same._

_The soldier's closed his eyes.._

_Sheppard moved his mouth silently, "Now!"_

_The silver bomb was released by the soldier. It rolled along the uneven floor, all three men holding their breath in complete synchronicity._

_The bomb reached the wraith and he looked down at it with a mixture of fear and amusement._

_Sheppard inched towards Laraby._

_Any second._

_Laraby was creeping up to his knees._

_Sheppard licked his lips._

_Time slowed as the bomb exploded in a shower of fire and debris. The impact sent Sheppard hurtling backwards. Black edged into his vision as he slipped to the floor. He quickly probed his mouth for damage and was disheartened when he tasted blood._

_He scanned the clearing smoke and could see that the wraith was lying on the floor._

_Sheppard looked down at his tactical vest and saw blood. _

_He checked himself for injuries and aside from his earlier cuts and bruises, he hadn't acquired any new ones._

_He felt sick._

_Bile was rushing up his throat, mingling with the blood as he forced it back down._

_The blood._

_He spied fragments of flesh._

_He coughed again, choked as he tried not to retch._

_The bomb had detonated near the special ops men and they hadn't stood a chance._

_Sheppard and Laraby were covered in their torn flesh._

"_Sir?" The weak voice made him turn._

"_Laraby," Sheppard said yanking the man up to his feet, "It'll take a lot more than that to keep that wraith down."_

_Laraby glanced over at the wraith and then back to Sheppard. _

"_They're-"_

"_-Dead," Sheppard finished for him._

"_I feel like I'm going to puke," Laraby said as he saw the blood on him. _

_The blood on the wall behind them._

"_Not now," Sheppard said passing him his canteen._

_Laraby pushed it away and stood shakily._

_Sheppard joined him, hunching over when the his ribs protested the movement._

_Laraby was staring at the centre of the room._

"_Stop it," Sheppard ordered him._

"_But-"_

_Sheppard clapped him on the shoulder to ground him, "I'm going to work on getting the self destruct online; you need to get out of here. Get Cole and Martins out and as far away from the ship as possible. They should be waking by now."_

"_What about you?" Laraby said._

"_There's a chance I won't be able to set a timer."_

"_You're going to get yourself killed."_

"_Hey, if I can set a timer, I'll be right behind you."_

"_And if you can't?"_

_Sheppard retrieved the fallen data storage device and handed it to Laraby, "Take this. Guard it with your life."_

_"What?"_

_"Just do it."_

_"Sir...are you-"_

"_I'll be right behind you." Sheppard repeated in an attempt to convince Laraby, " I'm just giving you a head start."_

_-------------_

Sheppard looked up at the sky and watched the angry grey clouds rolling towards him and then back to his men. He sighed tiredly.

He trudged forward through the thick underbrush, his team ahead of him as they tried to find their enemies.

He tapped his earpiece lightly, "Major Lorne, how's it going on your end?"

There was a beat before Lorne's voice came through, "I got hit by one of my own men," he stated, "Green paint all over me."

"Well, we're paintballing," Sheppard replied.

"Nice one Sir," Lorne added.

"I thought so."

"Hey, just think. A few more hours of this and then back to Atlantis."

"I hear its pot roast night," Lorne said.

Sheppard licked his lips and rubbed his grumbling stomach, "And I think someone mentioned chocolate cake this week."

"Chocolate cake?" Lorne said with surprise.

"Yeah, and after we've kicked you're ass I'm going to get the first slice."

"Hey loser has to give up their share."

"You're on," Sheppard said chuckling.

The sky rumbled above him.

"Can I just say sir; we're going to take your team down."

"I don't think so," Sheppard replied.

"You just wait."

"Okay, Sheppard out."

_-------------------------_

_Sheppard let out a heavy sigh and sat back on his heels._

_It was no good. _

_He rubbed at his face wearily._

_His aches and pains were becoming more pronounced, the wearier he became._

_The air strike was imminent. _

_He just hoped Laraby had managed to get his two team mates out._

"_Crap," he muttered in a low voice._

_He was no Rodney Mckay and there was no way that he was competent enough in wraith technology to do this._

"_I could really use you right now Rodney," he said out loud._

_On second thoughts, he'd never expose Rodney to this kind of carnage._

_Sheppard turned to scan the room._

_It was dark, eerily quiet and a crackling fire burnt in the corner of the room where the detonation had taken place. The wraith had yet to move but Sheppard was still expecting it to resurrect itself._

_He turned back to the console and shook his head._

_He could short the wires and set off the self-destruct._

_Only, he would have to be inside when he did it._

**TBC**

**-----**

**That was a long chapter…..okay, so explanations are coming, and lots more whump!**

**Again…hope it's making sense……..**

**That'll teach me to write such a complicated story :D**


	13. Chapter 13

Sheppard was deliberately straggling behind his team. He was tired and over aware of his surroundings, lending credence to the fact that exhaustion had finally caught up with him. He yawned, rubbed his eyes, and tipped his head back into the rain, just to coerce some semblance of wakefulness back into his weary body.

He checked his watch, the hands blurring before his eyes, and was relieved to see that they would only be on this planet for another three hours or so. As soon as he got back, he planned to have a long hot shower and then crawl under his covers to sleep for at least a week.

It had finally become too much.

The past, he feared, had caught up with him.

A twig snapped to his six, pulling him out of his personal reverie.

His team stopped, their backs stiffening.

"What was that?" King whispered.

"A bird?" one of the men asked.

"Have you seen any birds here?" Adams asked in an acerbic tone.

Sheppard stopped, his mouth curled into a smile and he slowly began to turn, "Lorne," he whispered and with a shake of his head added, "I'm going to kick your ass."

He held up a fist and knelt down, knees squishing into the sodden mud, paintball gun at the ready.

"Sir?" King asked from beside him.

Sheppard indicated with a flat palm for him to kneel also and he turned back, smiled manically, and then returned his gaze to the underbrush. Fleetingly, he feared it might not be Lorne and placed a free hand on his P90 just in case.

"Let them come out into the open, get them exposed and then hit them with everything you've got. No way Major Lorne is going to beat me," Sheppard whispered.

Dizziness.

He blinked a few times; convinced it was merely drizzle hindering his vision.

"Okay," he said pushing through his tiredness, "One…"

The figures were coming out of the darkness from the cover of the trees. They were moving slowly and uncertainly. There was a distant noise, a grumbling sound, as if one of the men were speaking repetitively.

"Two," Sheppard said as his finger gently began to depress the trigger on his paintball gun.

A rookie mistake for Lorne.

"Three!" with the figures out in the open they pressed their individual triggers and unleashed a rain of red paint.

After a few seconds, Sheppard stopped shooting and he stood dumbfounded in the rain.

Realisation kicked in.

He stood deathly still even as a smile tugged at his lips.

"Stop!" he said turning to his men and holding his hands up, "Quit shooting."

The steady plops of the paintball guns ceased and Sheppard turned back to the paint covered figures.

He pursed his lips and swallowed down the laughter that bubbled below.

"Mckay? Ronon? What the hell are you doing here?"

Mckay looked down at his uniform and flicked some of the red paint off it with a long-suffering sigh, mouth opening and closing like a dying fish.

Ronon merely shook his head, looking thoroughly annoyed, his hair covered in thick red paint.

"Well," Mckay began as Sheppard's men sniggered behind him, "Thank you."

Sheppard turned to his men. Hiding his smile from Mckay and Ronon he said, "Okay, keep going. You have an hour to find Lorne and his men. And…..make sure you reload," he said turning back to Mckay.

His men disappeared into the bush.

"What are you guys doing here?"

"Getting shot at _apparently_," Mckay said in a derisive tone.

"Hey, how was I to know it was you two skulking about in the shadows?"

"We were _not_ skulking," Mckay said.

Mckay was annoyed. The little vein on his head was pulsing angrily as he limped towards Sheppard. He stopped, turned back to Ronon and then said, "Ronon, say something."

"We were not skulking," Ronon contributed as he walked over to Sheppard and plucked his paintball gun from his hand.

"That really hurt," Mckay whined.

Ronon was holding up the paintball gun and examining the contents.

"Ow!" Mckay said as he rolled up his sleeve, "See a bruise."

Mckay prodded the area and emitted a few other ow's for good measure.

"Oh come on Rodney. It's just a little-OW!" Sheppard exclaimed jumping back and holding his leg.

"Gun works good," Ronon said handing the weapon back as Sheppard massaged his leg.

"Funny," Sheppard groaned.

There were the sounds of noise in the background, men shouting, and shots being fired.

"What the….?" Mckay asked in an irritated tone.

Sheppard turned quickly, a strange fear escalating in his gut, the dizziness returning in a sickening swathe of motion. He felt himself pitch slightly and a hand gripped his elbow roughly.

"Well, sounds like the games over anyway," Sheppard said in a weak voice.

"Are you okay?" Mckay asked as Ronon released his elbow.

Sheppard looked down at the floor and reached for his radio, "Lt King? Status?"

"Did I speak?" Mckay asked Ronon, "Because my mouth opened, sound came out…." Frustrated he shrugged.

There was static over the radio as Sheppard wandered away to collect himself.

"King?"

Finally, a voice came over hurried and panting hard, "Sir, they got us."

Fear again.

The wraith? Or……he shook his head. No, he was talking about the paintball game not the wraith. You're not on that ship anymore Sheppard, pull yourself together.

Sheppard answered gruffly, "Damn. Okay, well I'll be with you in a minute."

"Great. The team are _detaining _us now," King said and there was the sound of laughter in the background filtering through his headset.

Sheppard signed off.

"We lost," he said as he clipped his paintball gun to his vest and gripped his P90.

"Great," Mckay muttered again as he rubbed at the paint.

"Oh, it'll wash out," Sheppard said as they moved towards the raucous laughter up ahead.

"Give me the paintball gun!"

Sheppard looked back over his shoulder at Mckay and narrowed his eyes, "No."

Mckay was rubbing his arm where a painful red welt was erupting, "Come on, you shot me. Let me shoot you."

"What are you five Rodney? No."

"Oh come on." Mckay pleaded, "Ronon was allowed to shoot you."

"I didn't allow him to shoot me," Sheppard said as he rubbed his leg. It was throbbing slightly from the direct impact of the paint pellet and it was stinging more than he cared to admit.

Ronon simply shrugged as he moved, not wanting to become embroiled in another of Sheppard and Mckay's famous arguments.

The rain was beginning to fall harder, when they emerged from the trees. The sight that greeted them had Mckay and Ronon looking at one another in surprise and Sheppard's blood pressure rising.

His men were tied up to a tree and Lorne's team were standing around them laughing. In fact, they were all amused.

"We got them," One of Lorne's team members shouted with a triumphant fist pumping in the air.

Sheppard looked from his team to Lorne's team as he approached them, stopping briefly to shake his head.

He marched over to them and looked around, "Where's Lorne?"

"He's helping Jacobs. He fell and twisted his ankle. He said to go on." Jarnson of Lorne's team stated.

Sheppard stared at his men. Tied up. Defenceless.

He closed his eyes and tried to breathe in steadily as a vision from his past invaded his mind. The special Ops team, tied up, old, decrepit, _dying_. He swallowed thickly, the ever present, ever pervasive illness wrenching and spreading through his gut.

He coolly opened his eyes and found strength from his anger.

"What the _hell _do you _think _your _doing_?" he said as the rain fell harder, helping to punctuate his every word.

Jarnson looked shocked, "You said to…….detain them once we'd got them."

Sheppard felt like slapping the guy on the back of the head.

"Get them down now."

"Sir, it was just a bit of fun," Adams started to protest and he was one of the men tied up.

Sheppard was too tired by now to see reason. Cocky, arrogant, know alls. Was this why Stark was so bitter? Was Sheppard going to become like him?

"Get. Them. Down."

Mckay and Ronon stepped up behind him.

"Oh ha ha very funny," Mckay said as he watched the soldiers.

He crossed his arms over his chest and shook his head, "See this is what happens when you leave the military to their own devices. Asinine."

Sheppard shot him a look that could kill. Weariness and anger were tugging at his final nerve.

"People do stupid things," Ronon noted in an emotionless voice.

Sheppard stalked over to the tree and looked Adams in the eye, "This isn't funny," he stated as he grabbed the rope and started to untie them, "_You_ of all people. I told you to tow the damn line and you………are you even listening to me?" Sheppard asked.

He suddenly noticed how Adams, how all of the men were looking up at the sky.

"Uh Sheppard?" Mckay said in a quivering voice.

Sheppard felt the bile rise in his throat as he looked up at the sky.

A whining object cut across the grey.

Sheppard opened his mouth and shouted, "Wraith!"

_-------------_

_Sheppard had given Laraby as long as he could to get away._

_It was time._

_He pushed himself out from under the console and examined his handiwork. A series of shredded and inadequately cut wires were spewing out of the console as if it had just vomited. Sheppard paid a lot more attention to Mckay than he knew. He knew that he had managed to isolate the tendrils responsible for overloading the drive pods within the hive ship and he knew that by simply and crudely sparking two gooey wires together, he could create a catastrophic explosion to rival that of the standard self destruct._

_He licked his lips and made his final peace before gripping the wires in his hands and slowly edged them together._

_This was it._

_It was over._

_The fat lady was singing._

_Time to leave this world and find the next._

_He held his breath._

_----------------------_

Rule three: **Never leave a man behind.**

There was a flurry of activity as the whining darts hazed overhead, their scouting beams scanning the ground to suck up prey.

Sheppard was trying to untie his men as Lorne's men discarded their paintball guns and reached for real bullets. Mckay ran over to help Sheppard while Ronon unholstered his blaster and pointed it upwards.

"Well I'm glad I decided to take this little day trip, "Mckay moaned as he ripped fingernails off trying to pull the rope loose.

"Shut up Rodney," Sheppard hissed as he worked.

"_Sir?"_

Sheppard could hear Lorne over the radio.

"Lorne, get your ass over here. We need to get these men out now."

"_Jacobs has twisted his ankle pretty badly."_

"Okay," Sheppard said as he pulled on the ropes, "Get him to the gate, dial Atlantis, and bring reinforcements."

"_Yes sir."_

As if Sheppard had somehow been transported back in time he felt the all too surreal sensation of déjà vu. He only wondered if there would be a similar outcome.

His men still weren't untied from the tree and they were now frantically scrambling to get out.

"Hang on!" Sheppard said as he tried to pull the rope free.

The rain was falling in sheets now, plastering his hair to his forehead, and leaving his fingers slick with water and the rope soaked and taut.

"Wraith!" Ronon called out firing off a few blasts with his weapon.

Lorne's team was firing too, trying to hold back the impending threat.

"I'm going to die on my lunch break!" Mckay said as he helped Sheppard pull on the rope.

"You're not going to die," Sheppard said quickly. He looked up at the men tied to the tree and repeated, "None of you are."

Sheppard turned and squinted through the rain, "Fallback to the gate. Try and draw their fire away."

Lorne's team nodded and started through the undergrowth, a plethora of wraith breaking off from the main group and following them in earnest.

"Come on, come on, come on," Sheppard could hear Mckay saying as he pulled on the rope, "Why won't this rope come off?"

Sheppard was about to answer when something shoved him off balance. He skidded to the floor, his fingers clawing in the mud and managed to get onto his back and work out what had just happened.

Ronon was fighting hand to hand with a wraith and one had got loose, tossing Sheppard to the side.

He managed to get up to his feet and run back over to the tree, slamming the wraith to the ground as he went. With Mckay's help, he yanked the rope and his men were free, instantly reaching for their P90's and firing on the enemy.

Sheppard sprayed bullets into the wraith that had attacked him and watched him crumple to the ground.

"Fallback!" he shouted.

Ronon dispatched of his wraith and started ushering men towards the thick cover of the trees.

Marks fell over, sailing backwards in the mud, his head connecting hard on slippery impact. Sheppard ran over, was pushed backwards, and he watched from his knees as Markswas fed on by a wraith.

Slow motion.

There was nothing he could do.

"Move!" Sheppard shouted to his men.

They had taken care of most of the wraith, and with one final shot, the last one fell to the ground.

"We need to get out of here."

"But Sir…..they're everywhere," one of his men cried out.

"They're not really there," Sheppard said as he pushed on a few of his team members.

Adams was holding his gun up despite there not being anymore wraith in their vicinity.

"You coming?" Mckay asked Sheppard, gripping his 9mil with white knuckles.

"I'll be right behind you," Sheppard said as he waved him on and ran over to Adams.

Ronon, Mckay and his remaining team took off.

Adams eyes were wide and manic and Sheppard recognized this reaction, "There's nothing there."

"They're all around me," Adams said in a hysterical voice.

"The wraith can make you see things that aren't there."

"No," Adams said in a small voice.

"Just give me the………"

--------------------------------------

A shot rang out in the distance and Ronon stopped dead in his tracks.

"What's wrong?" Mckay asked as he nervously looked up at the sky and watched a dart fly over them.

Ronon licked his lips and shook his head, "Something's wrong."

"What?" Mckay asked running over to him with his gun pointed at the ground.

"We're going back," Ronon stated.

------------------------------

_The wires were nearly touching, death imminent, when something struck the back of Sheppard's head. He fell backwards disoriented and dizzy, hands reaching for a weapon._

_A face appeared over his, the supposedly dead wraith, with its scorched features and burnt hair._

"_Guess…….you didn't like that…" Sheppard rasped out._

_The wraith sneered and tore Sheppard's tactical vest open in one violent move. It was slow to engage him though, it's finger tore into his t-shirt and made contact with the bare flesh underneath._

_It was relishing in seeing Sheppard squirm._

_Sheppard manage to get his hand free and slammed a flat palm up into the wraith's chin. It gasped, it's head rocked backwards, but it retaliated immediately by pinching Sheppard across the mouth._

_Sheppard coughed and tasted blood as it colored his lips._

"_I am…going to enjoy this," the wraith hissed and slammed it's hand down onto Sheppard's chest._

_Sheppard was expecting to feel his life pulled from him, ripped out by the wraith, but was surprised when he merely felt the wind being knocked out of him._

_The wraith angrily looked at its hands and let out a growl of frustration. Sheppard caught a glimpse of them and could see that they were badly scarred and bleeding. Mangled almost from the force of the earlier explosion._

_It had been too close._

_There was no way that he could feed through his damaged hands._

_The wraith wrapped his hands around Sheppard's throat, "I will enjoy watching you die all the same," it shouted._

_Sheppard tried to push away, but the wraith held him down, pushing hard, his vocal chords constricting with the pressure. He was struggling to get his breath and he could feel the veins in his forehead bulging painfully._

_Sheppard blinked away the darkness edging into his vision._

_Seconds later, Sheppard watched in muted surprise as Laraby depressed the trigger on his handgun. A single bullet ripped it's way through the wraith's skull. Sheppard and Laraby caught it before it had a chance to fall and toppled it to the side._

"_What the hell are you doing here?" Sheppard asked Laraby as he coughed into his fist painfully. The air he had previously needed was now choking him, burning his lungs and making him dizzy._

"_They're dead," Laraby said with a shake of his head, "Both dead."_

_Sheppard nodded in understanding as he tried to pull in oxygen, "I told you……. to get out of……. here."_

"_Forget about that," Laraby said as he helped Sheppard to his feet, "I'm here now."_

"_Against orders."_

_Laraby sighed, "I would never have made it out, even if our men had survived."_

_Sheppard bent over and sucked in a lungful of air._

"_Yeah well, look…." Laraby bit his bottom lip and sighed uncomfortably, "I still….don't like you."_

"_Gee, thanks," Sheppard said as he rubbed the back of his neck and fought against compelling giddiness._

"_But….i guess….." Laraby was struggling, "…I think I get you now. That doesn't mean I forgive you for what you did before but…right now….right here….I get it."_

_Sheppard clapped Laraby on the shoulder, "There's no backing out now," he said._

_Laraby looked down at his watch, "The air strike will be here in five minutes."_

_Sheppard stumbled over to the console, tripping over the dead wraith in the process, and reached for the dangling wires, "Let's….." Another cough, "….. do this before Stark gets a chance to."_

_Laraby stepped up beside him and took one of the wires, "There's one thing I want to know."_

_Sheppard grit his teeth, "We don't really have time for this."_

"_Hey, it's my funeral," Laraby said._

_Sheppard was wracked by another cough. "Okay."_

"_What was that…wraith going on about before, about you being…different?"_

_Sheppard looked away. He could taste metal again._

"_Hey, look, we're going to die right? So what does it matter what you say."_

_When he was right, he was right, "I once turned into a creature similar to that of a….wraith," Sheppard disclosed in a pained voice, "It's possible the wraith can detect it in me."_

_Laraby's eyes widened._

"_Or it could be my ATA gene," Sheppard added with a pained breath in, "It helps me use certain alien technology."_

_Laraby snorted and looked amazed, "Damn. I wish I knew more about this……what was it?...Atlantis place."_

"_Certainly something to miss," Sheppard said._

_Laraby looked down at his watch, "Two minutes."_

_Resolute silence descended over them._

"_Let's get this over with. We need to destroy this ship before the air strike goes over otherwise we'll be taking out a few more men that we intended."_

_Laraby said nervously, "Better just two huh?"_

"_And any lingering wraith," Sheppard said as he felt his heart rate quickening._

"_Okay," Laraby said exhaling quickly._

"_Ready?" _

"_As I'll ever be."_

"_Okay."_

_Sheppard licked his lips._

"_Now!"_

_The wires sparked when they touched._

_The explosion shook the ship, the fire tore through the corridors, and Sheppard and Laraby saw white._

_--------------------------_

Adams had run off.

Leaving Sheppard on his own as the wraith flew over his head.

They were almost pretty. The way they spiraled and dipped leaving a thin wisp in their wake.

Delirious.

Sheppard slowly looked down at his side, moving his hands away from the wound as if he were revealing some new and amazing discovery. This wasn't new and it certainly wasn't amazing. This hurt, coursed pain through his stomach in spikes, and made him feel weak.

He could feel sweat wetting his brow, hear his heart roaring in his ears. His knees buckled beneath him and he pressed his hand over the wound. Out of mind, out of sight. Or was it the other way. He shook his head. Out of sight, out of mind. Yeah, that was right.

Blood was trickling through his fingers, spattering to the ground almost rhythmically.

His head began to swim, he fell forward, one hand planted onto the ground, the other still trying to staunch the blood.

He had to take his hand away to activate his radio, "Guys," he rasped out through the pain.

Al he could think was that his men were hopefully nearing the gate and they would soon be safe.

A voice came through quickly and clear, "Colonel?"

"Adams….._ran_ off," he gritted out.

The rain was so loud. He could barely hear. Barely think straight.

"What? Oh this is all we need…" Mckay said over the radio.

"I kinda need some help," he managed to get out before he crumpled forwards onto the ground.

He managed to get onto his back, breathing in slow pained increments as his heart raced and his body grew weak.

"Colonel?" The voice was desperate and filled with emotion.

He couldn't answer; he was so tired, and he wanted to submit to his exhaustion. Darkness was creeping into the edge of his vision as he felt his blood rush out of him.

------------------------

They found him lying on the floor of the forest, rain spitting down from the skies, making them trip on their own feet as they skidded to reach his pale and bloodied form.

He was only just conscious, eyes staring vacantly up at the sky; one hand flopped out on the ground, the other feebly trying to staunch the blood.

Ronon was first to reach him, removing Sheppard's hand and groaning when he saw the extent of his injury.

"Adams…" Sheppard swallowed, "………thought he was firing at the wraith."

Mckay looked at his wound, eyes widening with fear, "We need to get him out of here quickly," he said as he scanned the skies fearfully.

"The wraith…..just made him see it," Sheppard continued to ramble in a weak, disassociated voice.

He was confused, his mind wasn't connecting to the reality of his situation; all he could connect with was the pain in his side.

"Forget about Adams," said Ronon, "No time."

"He's out there," Sheppard snapped as his eyes roamed lazily and unfocused, "You can't leave a man behind."

"He left you behind," Mckay said in a high pitched voice. He held his gun up and scanned their surroundings "We need to get out of here," he repeated.

Ronon used his body weight to press his hands down over the wound.

John bit down on his lip, clawed at the ground with his free hand and mumbled out a strained curse, "Son of a-"

"Come on," Ronon grumbled.

Rodney and Ronon each took an arm and slowly started to extricate John from the ground, leaving a visible patch of blood on the muddied earth. The water was quickly mingling with it; removing the evidence, but not removing the memory.

"Adams!" he shouted.

"He's gone," Mckay said as he looked around, hoping maybe to catch a glimpse of the soldier.

"Adams! Come back here!" Sheppard continued.

"There are wraith everywhere," Ronon said, "Time to go."

John's legs went from beneath him and he gasped weakly as his two friends grappled with his limp form.

"I can...walk," he panted out.

"No you can't!" Rodney squeaked out in a panicked voice.

John tried to get straight, forcing his body to comply with his simple command, but he just couldn't do it.

Being upright meant the blood was coming out faster, slicking his stomach and catching in the waistband of his pants.

He chanced a look down as his head wobbled giddily and watched his blood drip and dribble to the ground, falling onto his boots and staining them with every drop.

"I'm exhausted," he mumbled.

He blinked. He felt so incredibly dizzy and weak.

"Got to get them…out," he slurred.

--------------------------

Getting Sheppard to the gate was difficult; his legs kept going from beneath him as the terrain moved from gentle to ridiculously sloped, and as Ronon glanced back, he couldn't help but notice the trail of blood that Sheppard was leaving in his wake.

Sheppard was being stubborn and insisting on trying to walk despite his physical injuries.

"_Colonel?"_

Sheppard jerked his head up at the voice in his ear, "What?"

"What?" Mckay asked as he gripped Sheppard's arm.

"It's Lorne," Sheppard informed him curtly.

"_We've got a problem sir,"_ Lorne stated in a flat voice.

"What is it?" Sheppard thought as he pushed off Mckay and Ronon and sank to the ground.

Mckay reached into his tactical vest and retrieved a field dressing, intending to patch Sheppard up himself.

"_The gate, Sir."_

"What?" Sheppard asked as Mckay prodded at his side and Ronon kept him upright.

"_The wraith have dialed out, so we can't dial in. Looks like we're stuck here for a while."_

TBC

PLEASE REVIEW


	14. Chapter 14

_Thanks for the reviews :D_

------------------------------

"Thirty eight minutes," Sheppard rasped as he flicked the off switch on his radio.

He heaved in a painful breath as Ronon steadied him with a strong hand to his shoulder.

Mckay was still trying to bandage Sheppard's wound, but his fingers stilled when he realised what Sheppard had just said.

"Oh no."

"What?" Ronon asked, narrowing his eyes as he looked between the two men.

They clearly had an understanding of the significance of thirty-eight minutes, but he was at a loss.

"The wraith have dialled out, which means we can't leave here," Mckay answered in a voice that hitched up at the end.

"Why thirty eight minutes?" Ronon asked as he held Sheppard up, watching the mans face for any signs that he was going to keel over. He certainly looked like he would. Sheppard was pale, breathing in short increments and his hands were balled into tight fists. He wasn't a Doctor, but even he could see that Sheppard couldn't wait that long.

Mckay sighed, sat back on his heels and was about to answer when Sheppard spoke over him.

"It's the length of time a gate can stay open in non-relativistic conditions. It's one of the more immutable laws of wormhole physics," he smiled weakly and sagged slightly, "See……. I do listen to you ………Rodney."

"Remind me to give you a gold star when we get back." Mckay answered acerbically, "We're screwed."

"We're not screwed," Sheppard assured him.

A dart flew over their heads, the trees shifted violently, waving their branches like arms trying to give away their position. The threat of the wraith was still imminent and as the sky continued to darken, the sense of foreboding became more conspicuous.

Mckay finished positioning some gauze on Sheppard's side and admired his work with a grimace.

"How's it looking?" Sheppard asked as he feebly gripped his P90 and pointed it forwards.

He was struggling to stay conscious and focused.

He needed to keep moving.

"The bullet only nicked your side by the look of it, but you're still bleeding a lot."

Sheppard nodded, "Wounds will do that."

Mckay gave him a pointed look and sighed. "Seriously Colonel, we need to get you back to Carson."

"That's not really an option right now," Sheppard said as he struggled up to his feet.

He was shaky, he was feeling sick and weak, but he was upright, and for now that was all that mattered.

"We just need to get through the next half hour," Sheppard said as he put one foot in front of the other.

He promptly tripped on his own feet and Ronon grabbed him by the back of his tac vest to stop his face connecting with the floor.

Silence passed between them as Ronon and Mckay exchanged worried looks and only the howling wind could be heard.

"Thanks," Sheppard eventually said, straightening up and looking embarrassed.

"This is ridiculous," Mckay said in a loud voice, "You should be resting."

"Oh sure Rodney, and if a wraith comes along I'll just tell him that I can't fight right now because Mckay says so," he sighed and dug his heels into the mud, "Right now, I have ten…" he stopped and corrected himself, "eight inexperienced soldiers back there and I have to get them back to Atlantis. I'm not going to lose them again."

"What do you mean _again_?" Mckay asked.

Sheppard waved him off, "Later. Look, I'm patched up for now. I'm not going to bleed to death so let's just go find Lorne."

---------------------------

_As the white light enveloped them, Sheppard was certain he could hear and even feel the concussive force of the Hive ship exploding. He wondered briefly if this was his minds fledging attempt to hold onto consciousness, one last sensory overload before he disappeared into the ether._

_He'd experienced death before. The Iratus bug. But, he had seen nothing. Only an all-encompassing darkness. There was no bright light. Not like now anyway._

_Within the unbelievable blink of an eye, he found himself alive and well, Laraby standing beside him, as he materialised on the familiar bridge of the Daedalus._

_Caldwell was standing expectantly before them, his hands crossed over his chest, and a grim smile plastered onto his stern face, "Thought you could use some help down there."_

"_Uh…thank you?" Sheppard said as he let go of the breath he hadn't realised he had been holding._

_His last breath._

"_What **in** the **hell**….?" Laraby gasped as he turned in a tight circle and patted his body down in search of injuries._

"_We thought we'd better pull him out too," Caldwell stated as he watched the young Lt._

_Sheppard acknowledged him and turned to Laraby._

"_Welcome to the Daedalus," Sheppard said._

"_Where are we? What happened? I thought we were dead!"_

_Sheppard looked over to Caldwell who merely raised one eyebrow and then he gripped Laraby by his shoulders and turned him around to stare out of the forward window of the Daedalus._

"_Woah," Laraby said as he looked out at the expansive canvas of stars, "We're……. in…….. space."_

_Sheppard licked his lips, noticed that the same metallic taste was present, and said, "Enjoy the view," to Laraby as he joined Caldwell at one of the consoles._

"_Was it destroyed?" he asked._

_Caldwell pointed to a screen, the area in which he was extracted from, and Sheppard could see the blast mark radiating outwards._

"_I should think so."_

_Sheppard straightened up with difficulty and surreptitiously held onto his aching side, "I have to say I'm surprised to see you Colonel," Sheppard said as he breathed through the pain in his gut._

_Caldwell gave him a sideways glance, his eyes roaming Sheppard's body and taking a mental inventory of his injuries, "We were in the neighbourhood."_

"_Not that I'm not pleased to see you or anything Colonel, but what are you doing here?"_

_Caldwell put his hands on his hips and spoke in a low voice, "General Landry asked us to keep an eye on you."_

_Sheppard screwed his face up in complete incomprehension, "What?"_

"_He wasn't aware of the circumstances in which you were recalled, all he knew was that the Stark was operating for the SGC's shadow committee. He grew concerned when Stark put in for a transfer………for your post should you not return."_

_Sheppard felt his mouth go dry, "What?"_

"_We've been tracking you for a while, but when you're subcutaneous transmitter became weak we decided to intervene. We detected a massive overload in what I'm presuming was a Hive ship and decided to pull Laraby out alongside you."_

_Sheppard exhaled, "Thanks."_

"_I don't know what you got yourself into here Colonel, but all I can say is, you look like hell."_

_Sheppard laughed bitterly and steadied himself on one of the consoles._

"_This is amazing," Laraby said as he joined them. _

_Sheppard quickly straightened up as if there was nothing wrong._

"_Lt Laraby," Sheppard said, "This is Colonel Caldwell. The man who saved our asses down there."_

_Laraby saluted awkwardly, "Thank you Sir," he said as his eyes roamed the room in wonderment._

"_Colonel," Caldwell said as he turned to Sheppard, "Are you satisfied that the target was destroyed?"_

_Sheppard nodded, "Yeah. I'm satisfied."_

"_It's gone?" Laraby asked with a look of relief._

_He turned to Sheppard and leaned in to ask, "Doe Colonel Caldwell know about the-"_

_Sheppard gave Laraby a pat on he back, "Laraby I think you should get checked over by a doctor before we return to Earth."_

_Laraby kept his mouth clamped shut and nodded as he was escorted by one of the Daedalus officers to the infirmary._

_When Laraby had gone, Sheppard allowed the crease of pain he had kept ironed out to become more prominent and gripped the console for support._

"_I want you to see a Doctor too," Caldwell said._

"_No," Sheppard said raising a hand, "I'm fine, Just a few broken ribs."_

"_You look like a mess and you can barely stand."_

"_I'm fine," Sheppard said again, his voice rising in intonation, "Sorry," he quickly admonished, "It's just….I lost some men down there."_

"_Am I to assume you can't tell me what you were doing down there?" Caldwell asked._

"_I think you could probably guess."_

"_Look," Sheppard said attempting to look more human for the sake of Caldwell, "Once Laraby has checked out of the infirmary I need you to beam us back down."_

"_Back to the blast site?"_

"_No," Sheppard said, "I'll give you the locations closer to the time."_

_-------------------------_

He was panting, he was sweating, he was barely standing, but he made it to Lorne and the rest of his men. They were kneeling down behind a thicket of bushes, huddled together with their weapons out and ready to fire if they had to.

"Hey," Sheppard said as Ronon let him go and he non-to gently fell to his knees.

"Sir, are you ok?" one of his men asked.

Sheppard dismissed him with a quick look, "I'm fine."

He moved over to Lorne who was staring down at the gate through a pair of binoculars, "So, you beat me at paintball then?"

Lorne turned to him and grinned, "In other circumstances I would be doing the winners dance right now."

Sheppard smiled briefly.

"What we got?"

"They've still got the gate surrounded and activated-uh Sir?"

Sheppard grabbed his binoculars, "Yes I know," he stated quickly, "Bullet just nicked me, I'm fine."

He stared through the binoculars and out to the expanse of flat, green land spreading out in front of him. There was a ring of trees surrounding the area, which they could use for cover in order to get closer to the gate, but the DHD was out in the open.

"Okay, we're pinned. We'll have to double back and get some ordinance from the camp."

"I'll go," Ronon instantly volunteered.

Sheppard was about to say he would go when Lorne said, "I'll go with him."

Mckay was giving him the evil eye, which was telling him that he wouldn't be able to make it there and back with his injury. Sheppard didn't know whether to be disturbed or relieved that he could read Mckay with a look. He guessed that it was a product of them being team-mates all these years.

"Okay, go…but watch your backs. We're going to have to get down there as soon as that gate shuts down and we're going to need a big distraction."

--------------------------------

The area they were hiding in was safe enough and it seemed for now that the wraith were only flying over head searching for them and not wasting time by putting men out there on foot. For now anyway.

Hidden by the thick cover of trees over their heads, the men were positioned in a tight defensive circle.

Jefferies, sans Adams, was nervously clutching his weapon in a white-knuckle grip. His heart wanted to make an escape attempt through his chest and he was sure that if he breathed any quicker he would hyperventilate and have an embarrassing panic attack.

He fearfully peered over his shoulder to where Colonel Sheppard was leaning up against a tree. There was something about the way he was standing, the way he was hunched over to his one side that told Jefferies that there was something wrong with him. Whether he hadn't said anything out of bravery or pure stupidity, Jefferies knew that his CO was injured and hiding it.

The pallor of his face was unnaturally pale and he looked flustered despite the chilling rain that was still descending from the skies. His colourless face was accentuating the dark rings under his eyes.

"Have you seen him sleep since we got here?" Jefferies asked King in a low voice.

King flicked his eyes over to him and shifted towards him, "What?"

"Colonel Sheppard," Jefferies informed him as the thunder rumbled over their heads, "I haven't seen him sleep since I got here."

King shrugged and scanned the flat horizon with squinted eyes, "I don't know. He's used to this. Probably never sleeps."

"But it's not right," Jefferies said as something snapped to their left.

Both men turned quickly and waited, but it was merely a branch falling from a tree.

They exhaled simultaneously.

"If we get out of here alive, I'm going to mention it to the Doctor."

"What?" King said in a disbelieving voice, "And risk him finding out?"

"When me and Adams," he paused. What the hell had happened to him? "..when we were on corridor watch, he was up, just walking around."

"So."

"And he took over our watch from us that one night and then he was on watch every other night. That's at least four days without proper sleep."

"I'm sure he knows what he's doing."

"And he's injured it and he's hiding it."

King groaned, "What are you? A detective?"

"No, look, I'm just concerned okay."

"If he was injured. He'd only be hiding to protect us from it."

Jefferies nodded thoughtfully.

---------------------------------

Mckay wandered over to Sheppard and gave a quick and cursory look at his side.

"Stop it."

"I'm just making sure that you're not bleeding to death," Mckay said rubbing his hands up and down his arms in an attempt to stay warm.

"What are you doing here Rodney?" Sheppard asked, rubbing the rainwater off his face.

"I told you. I had a free couple of hours and I thought I would come-"

"Check up on me?"

"No."

"Let me guess. Elizabeth sent you…" he quirked an eyebrow and when Mckay could only flail and babble incoherently he said, "I knew it."

"She just wanted me check that you were okay. I was concerned too."

Sheppard pushed off from the tree and took a few tentative steps, "Well, I'm touched," he said in a tone that dripped sarcasm, "But, I'm fine. I just haven't been sleeping all that well."

"Why not?"

"Because I haven't," Sheppard answered coldly.

--------------------------------

_Laraby had checked out okay, but Sheppard had refused medical attention. After all, it was just a few broken ribs. When he'd dealt with Stark, he would seek the attention he needed._

"_You ready?" Caldwell asked when Laraby stepped into position._

"_Yes Sir."_

"_You'll be beamed down to just outside the base. Don't say anything to anyone until you've spoken to me," Sheppard explained._

"_What about you?" Laraby asked._

"_I'm planning a little surprise of my own."_

"_Okay," Laraby said," I guess………. I'm ready."_

_Caldwell turned to Webbs and gave him the go-ahead._

_Laraby disappeared in a flash of white light._

_--------------------------------------------------------------_

"Where are they?" Mckay asked as he paced and forth while agitatedly looking around for any hiding wraith.

"They'll be here soon," Sheppard said as he stretched his side experimentally.

It proved to be a mistake. The wound was torn open, the gauze lifted and Sheppard could feel the blood running down his side again and collecting in the waistband of his pants.

"Dammit!" he cursed in a hoarse voice.

"Now why did you do that?" Mckay asked as he trudged over to him.

"I did it deliberately," Sheppard snapped as he slapped Mckay's hands away.

He was aware that some of the men had turned to see what the commotion was all about and Sheppard angrily pushed Mckay away.

"Leave it," he said, "I'll deal with it when I have time. How much longer before the gate shuts down?"

Mckay angrily looked at his wet watch and said, "Seven minutes."

"_Sir?"_

"Lorne?" Sheppard said activating his radio with a sigh of relief.

"_Sir,"_ his voice was breathless and hurried, _"We've found the explosives, but you need to get moving. There are wraith pursuing us."_

"Okay, we'll move into a position closer to the DHD. In…….five minutes we're going to need a diversion so Mckay can get to the dialling device."

"Me?" Mckay squeaked.

"So Mckay and _I,_ can get to the DHD."

"_Consider it done. Lorne out."_

-----------------------------------

_Colonel Stark was sitting behind his desk, silently sipping a cup of coffee and shifting through his reports when a blinding light lit up his office and had him standing up and dropping his coffee in one ungainly move._

_The light slowly dissipated and before him, unbelievably, infuriatingly, stood Lt. Colonel John Sheppard._

"_Sorry to drop in," Sheppard said taking a step towards Stark's desk and planting his hands down on top of it._

"_Colonel Sheppard?" Stark said in a voice devoid of emotion._

"_You seem surprised to see me," Sheppard said he blinked through dizziness and discomfort._

"_You could say that," Stark said as he looked down to his pants, relieved to see the wetness was coffee, "I thought you were-"_

"_-Dead," Sheppard said with a nod, "Thankfully, the Daedalus beamed me and Lt Laraby out just in time. The only member of my team to survive."_

"_I'm sorry to hear that. But the ship was destroyed, yes?"_

"_Yeah, the threat has gone."_

"_I can imagine that you're angry at the loss of life but in war there are always acceptable losses."_

_Sheppard stared at Stark in contempt, "These lives weren't acceptable."_

_Stark gathered up the papers on his desk and ordered them neatly without looking up._

"_They're families will be notified and-"_

"_You know damn well that they had no families to contact if they died."_

_Stark met his eyes and leant on his desk, "I should hope you're not accusing me of deliberately sending those men to their deaths."_

_Sheppard removed his steadying hands from the desk and straightened up, "You know, there's one thing that I can't figure out."_

_Stark was smoothing down his uniform, "What's that?"_

"_Why you ordered an Air strike on my position. In my mind, the only possible reason would be if you suspected that there was an immediate threat there. Say for instance, that there were wraith inside."_

_Starks face turned ashen._

"_You sent me and my men on a suicide mission by not telling us that you already knew that the wraith were occupying that ship."_

_Stark put his hands up and looked aghast as he sat behind his desk, "We interrogated an Afghan soldier who spoke of Ghost stories. He said that the Afghans didn't go to that area because people disappeared. He said that a few weeks ago, his friends disappeared down there. I can't base decisions on folklore."_

"_You knew what that meant," Sheppard said slamming his hands down onto the table and watching the stationery rattle, "And you sent us anyway."_

"_The ship needed to be eliminated either way and it was far more effective for you to destroy it from the inside."_

"_So you admit it?" Sheppard asked, as he suddenly felt light-headed._

"_I admit nothing, Colonel Sheppard, "Stark said stiffening in his chair, "And it's your word against mine."_

"_My men are dead because of your incompetence and I'm going to make sure that somebody hears about this."_

_Sheppard had to hold onto the desk for support as he blinked away the darkness from the edges of his vision._

"_No."_

"_You knew we wouldn't come back alive."_

"_I think you should seek medical attention," Stark said as he vacated his chair quickly and came to stand beside Sheppard, "You can barely stand."_

_Sheppard ignored him and continued, "I know you put in for a transfer for my job in Atlantis."_

"_On the condition that you didn't return. I felt the expedition needed somebody with a little more experience and-"_

"_In that case, it would be Colonel Caldwell that that job goes to. You intended for me not to come back."_

"_No."_

"_Yes and I know what this is about."_

_Stark's lips formed into a thin line as his composure began to trickle away, "It's not about that."_

_Sheppard coughed into his fist and continued with his remaining strength, "I made a bad decision a few years ago and it affected you."_

_Stark paced over to the other side of the room, his body rigid, "I was up for promotion."_

_Stark couldn't conceal the anger in his tone. He'd been kept back because of Sheppard. If it hadn't been for him he could have retired happily and as a Brigadier General. Instead, he was still a Colonel and he would be damned if he retired before he reached his goal._

"_And you didn't get it," Sheppard managed to say through the haze in his head._

_Stark's mask dropped abruptly, his eyes narrowed and his mouth turned downward into a sneer, "Because of you." He snapped. "Because you defied my orders at a critical moment in the war. The committee felt that I should have been able to do more to stop you."_

"_Yeah well-" The words caught in Sheppard's throat and he staggered backwards as a wave of dizziness made the world around him pitch and turn. He dropped to his knees and managed to hold onto consciousness while Stark knelt at his side._

"_I'll call the medics," Stark said as he ran out of the room, still seething with anger and burning with hatred._

_Sheppard held onto the desk like it was a life-line, sure that Stark would simply abandon him and allow him to slip from this world without help._

_He choked again, coughed violently and watched as a film of blood coated the floor. He tried to blink away the darkness but it was a pointless battle. He sagged to the ground and before his head had hit the floor, oblivion had claimed him._

_--------------------------_

The explosions were shaking the ground as they ran, the sky was alight with beams searching them out, and the air was laced with tension and fear. Sheppard was operating purely on adrenaline, his legs pumping out necessity. Even as he ran he felt surreally dizzy with weakness.

Mckay reached the DHD first and began dialling as quickly as he possibly could. Sheppard covered his position by firing off shots from his P90 as his men made their way down the steep incline towards them.

"Come on!"

"Nearly there."

Mckay ducked a stun blast that struck the DHD with an explosion of light.

"Come on Rodney."

Sheppard could see that wraith had been dropped by the darts and were now marching down the hill after his men.

"Mckay!"

"One more…………done!"

Sheppard turned to him and shouted, "Send through your IDC and then go through." He turned back and fired at a wraith.

"What about you?"

"We'll be right behind you!"

Mckay quickly input his code and disappeared through the rippling event horizon. At the same time Sheppard ordered his men to run for the gate.

When his men finally reached him there was a flurry or activity around him as men fired off bullets into the oncoming Wraith and failing that went hand to hand to fight them off.

"Get through the gate!" Sheppard shouted.

He turned and was struck in the chest by a wraith.

As he skidded along the ground on his back, he fired up at it until it fell backwards and stopped moving.

Sheppard counted as his men went through and was just about to go through himself when he realised that King was lying on the ground, unmoving.

------------------------

Beckett had been sitting having a mug of coffee and lazily leafing through his reports when the first casualty had arrived. From that moment on, five more soldiers had been rushed to the infirmary requiring various treatments.

Beckett was treating a cut on one of the soldier's hands when Sheppard ran into the infirmary out of breath. He was accompanying King on the gurney. Beckett ran over and gave King a cursory look before instructing the medical staff to do a CT and set up an I.V line.

Beckett noticed how pale Sheppard looked as he stood there in the centre of the bustle of the infirmary.

"Are you okay?" Beckett asked.

"Is everyone okay?" Sheppard asked as he cast his eyes around the room.

Beckett immediately noticed that his eyes were glassy and wide.

"Come on," Beckett said coercing Sheppard over to a free bed.

"I'm okay," Sheppard said as he reached out for the bed.

"I'll be the judge of that," Beckett said, "Now, up onto the bed so I can take a look at you."

Beckett watched as Sheppard very slowly attempted to get up onto the bed. He planted his hands down and tried to pull himself up but he lacked the strength to do so initially. After a minute of struggling, Beckett helped him up.

Beckett turned when Mckay entered the infirmary, "Ah, there you are," he said as he came to stand beside Sheppard.

Sheppard's head was dropping and he was listing to one side where he sat.

Beckett reached out and shook his shoulder and Sheppard awoke abruptly, his head snapping up in one uncontrolled motion.

"Wha…?"

"So, how is he?" Mckay asked as he hooked a stool over with his foot and sat down.

"I'm fine," Sheppard slurred tiredly.

"You're fine?" Mckay guffawed, "You'd say you were fine if you were dead."

"But then I wouldn't be-able to speak," Sheppard said with a small smile.

"Look," Mckay said pointing to Sheppard's side.

"Snitch," Sheppard hissed.

Beckett unpeeled the gauze and let out a surprised exhalation, "I wouldn't call this _fine_ Colonel."

Sheppard waved a hand and listed to the side again.

"It's still bleeding. It's a mess," Beckett said.

"Doc I……" Sheppard was falling forward and this time Beckett was too late to stop his descent.

Sheppard slipped off the bed, cracked his chin on the hard floor and collided with darkness.

_PLEASE REVIEW_

_TBC_


	15. Chapter 15

_Sheppard slowly weaved his way out of the darkness and back into the headache inducing light of consciousness. He opened his eyes slowly and saw a blurred form sitting across from him, hunched over and watching his tentative journey back into reality._

_Sheppard licked his lips and swallowed before forming words that came out weak and far away sounding, "Rodney?" he questioned._

_A face appeared over his, the features coming into view sharply and abruptly. Sheppard sucked in a painful breath through his teeth as recognition dawned, "Colonel Stark."_

_Stark continued to hover over him, his head inclined so close that when he spoke Sheppard could feel his hair moving from the force of his breath._

"_Colonel Sheppard. It's good to have you back with us."_

_Sheppard strained under the covers and gasped when he felt the distinct pull on aching and abused muscles._

_Stark straightened up and rested his manicured hands on the bed railings, "How are you feeling?"_

_Sheppard placed a hand onto his stomach and closed his eyes briefly to adjust to the pain. His fingers felt heavy and he realised that he had pulse ox equipment attached to him, as well as an I.V line._

"_Where am I?" Sheppard asked on looking towards a window and seeing dark skies rolling past outside. Last he remembered Afghanistan had had crisp blue skies the morning of his doomed mission._

_Stark cleared his throat loudly and glanced towards the window before speaking in an even voice, "You're at Peterson Air Force Base Infirmary."_

"_Colorado?" Sheppard asked feeling the wooziness of sleep still clinging onto him._

"_Yes," Stark replied quickly in a clipped voice, "You had some internal injuries that needed attending to."_

_Sheppard had been sure that Stark would abandon him and leave him to die on his office floor._

"_So they shipped me home?" Sheppard asked numbly, "How long have I been out?"_

"_Three days," Stark stated in what sounded like an irritated voice._

"_Three?" Sheppard attempted to get up onto his elbows, but found Stark's hand upon his chest restraining his movement._

"_The committee will want to talk to you when you're fit enough, to discuss what happened on your assignment."_

_Sheppard cringed. The failed assignment._

_He narrowed his eyes and settled back onto the pillow, "Don't worry. I'll give them the truth."_

"_I did the best for everyone concerned," Stark said in a low voice._

"_You are responsible for the deaths of four men," Sheppard admonished._

--------------------------

Mckay had been hunched over his laptop when Sheppard started to show signs of alertness.

He started talking, mumbling in his sleep and shifting in the bed as if he was agitated and uncomfortable. His face was creased as he slurred and kicked out and shuffled under the covers.

Mckay placed his Laptop aside and slowly moved towards the bed with an edge of hesitance.

Sheppard shouted out suddenly and his hand flew up and struck Mckay in the side.

"Ow!"

"No!….." he mumbled, "You're responsible……not me…."

--------------------------------------

"_Because of you I never progressed as I should have. You think I **like** being a sixty year old Colonel, pushing paper in a tiny office?" Stark said as he stepped back and ran a hand through his close-cropped hair._

_Sheppard sat up, intermittently grunting in pain, and edged backwards until he was comfortable, mindful of his stomach and his broken ribs, "You know they were taking too long with extraction plans."_

"_You **told** me that you could get them out… that's why I let you go dammit!" Stark swore as he paced._

"_You waited too long," Sheppard said, flinching when he twisted too much, "I lied for you back then. I did what you asked. Said I had defied your orders and gone it alone……"_

"_But they still held me responsible for your actions." Stark sighed and walked over to the bed._

_Sheppard was tired, his head was hurting, his chest pulsated with pain and he just wanted this hell to end._

"_What do you want from me Sir?"_

_Stark met his eyes with a cold stare and stated, "I want you to lie for me again."_

---------------------------------------

"Carson!" Mckay called out as he held down Sheppard's flailing arm, "Carson!"

Beckett appeared looking flustered and tired and asked, "What's wrong?"

"I don't know, that's why I called for you," Mckay snapped as Sheppard bucked and groaned in his sleep.

Beckett took out his penlight and prised Sheppard's eyes open to look at his pupils. As soon as his fingers brushed Sheppard's skin, he could feel the heat radiating off it and see the thin film of sweat that was covering his face.

"What's wrong with him?" Mckay asked as Sheppard's eyes slid open for the briefest of moments.

"Looks like he's running a fever," Beckett said pulling the covers off Sheppard's body.

"What are you doing?" Mckay babbled as Sheppard squirmed under his grip.

"I'm checking he hasn't developed an infection from his wound," Beckett said as he untied the sides of Sheppard's gown.

"No!" Sheppard cried out.

---------------------------------------

"_No."_

"_You owe me," Stark pleaded._

"_No," Sheppard replied adamantly._

"_If this gets out…." Stark looked deflated and old._

_He was getting angry, his usually composed demeanour was falling away and instead he was wringing his hands and there was a bead of sweat on his hairline._

"_If what gets out?"_

_Sheppard and Stark turned to see Colonel Caldwell standing in the doorway of Sheppard's private room, hands on hips, face stern, a file tucked under his arm._

_Sheppard eased back onto the bed and looked between Stark and Caldwell feeling some of his own stress ebb away._

"_Colonel, good to see you awake," Caldwell said as he entered the room._

_Sheppard smiled and glanced over to Stark._

"_Am I interrupting something here?" Caldwell asked shooting Stark a look._

"_No," Stark said smoothing down his uniform and wiping a hand across his forehead._

"_Well, I've come to inform Colonel Sheppard that he will be transferred to the SGC later today for his secondary care."_

_Sheppard felt a wave of relief wash over him._

"_Well," Stark said with a firm nod, "I'll accompany him."_

_Caldwell barely concealed a wry smile, "I'm afraid that won't be possible."_

_Stark spluttered out a laugh._

"_Why?" he asked._

"_You have insufficient clearance."_

_Stark sighed, "I have been working with the SGC's committee on a private matter. I think I have clearance."_

_Sheppard watched the two men from his bed, feeling tired and washed out and wanting nothing more than to be able to sleep._

"_Well if you did, you don't now," Caldwell said passing Stark his file._

_Stark pursed his lips and smiled embarrassedly._

"_Sheppard?"_

_Sheppard shrugged._

"_What is this?"_

"_I've been instructed to issue you with your DD-214."_

_Stark took the file and flicked through the pages while muttering under his breath. _

"_What?"_

"_You are being honourably discharged from the United States Air Force due to fulfilment of service obligation."_

_Stark looked from Sheppard to Cadlwell and then back again, "I don't understand."_

_Caldwell chewed the inside of his lip and then said, "I'll supervise that transfer. I'll be right back."_

_Stark was standing silently in the centre of the room, staring at the file in front of him with a look of utter disbelief._

"_I guess I don't have to lie for you anymore," Sheppard said._

_It was the worse thing that could have happened to Stark. _

_Honourable discharge without reaching his promotion._

------------------------

Sheppard awoke suddenly. He sat bolt upright, clinging onto the guard rails of his infirmary bed with a white knuckle grip and panting in and out with heavy breaths. He felt unsufferably hot and suffocated and kicked off the covers.

"Stark!" he called out in an angry voice, "Stark you bastard!"

The infirmary was dark and Sheppard felt confused.

Pain.

His side hurt and he vaguely recalled being shot, but his mind was so fraught he couldn't remember the circumstances.

"Hey!" he called out in the darkness, "Hey!"

For a while it seemed like nobody would respond to his calls.

"Colonel, what's all this racket about?" Beckett asked as he ran into the infirmary.

Sheppard moved towards the edge of the bed, "I have to…..I have to get out of here," he said gripping Becketts shoulder and trying to use it as leverage.

"No, no," Beckett said attempting to settled Sheppard back onto the bed, "You need to stay in bed. You have a fever and-"

Sheppard blinked through wide, glassy eyes and shook his head adamently, "It's too hot in here, I need to get out of here."

"It's not hot in here," Beckett said as he passed Sheppard a glass of water, "You have a temperature of 103."

Sheppard greedily drank the water and then handed it back to Beckett. He wiped a hand across his forehead and then fanned the top of his gown to get some air circulating, "I can't stay in here. " Sheppard tried to move to the edge of the bed again, "I need my P90. What if the wraith come?"

Beckett shook his head, "You're perfectly safe in here."

Sheppard grabbed Beckett by the lapels of his white coat and whispered, "Stark lied. I know that there are wraith here."

Beckett called a passing nurse over, "Can you get me some Haldol love?"

The nurse gave Sheppard a quick glance and then rushed off.

"I have to…" Sheppard pushed Beckett aside and managed to swing his legs over the edge of the bed.

He started to pull the tape off his hand and Beckett tried to pull his fingers away, "No, you need that."

"Who needs a needle in their hand?" Sheppard asked.

"You do."

Sheppard swung his legs back and forth and reached up to his chin.

Beckett pulled his hands away.

"What is that?" Sheppard asked as he distractedly looked past Beckett's shoulder.

"You cut it open when you passed out," Beckett stated, "And I'd appreciate it if you didn't pull the stitches out."

"It's so hot!" Sheppard said in a loud voice and a few bodies in the neighbouring infirmary beds started to stir.

The nurse returned and handed Beckett a syringge.

Sheppard looked at it in wide eyed fascination, "What's that?" he narrowed his eyes.

"It's something that will make you feel cooler," Beckett lied.

Sheppard licked his lips, "Ooo-kay," he said holding out his arm.

"You should really get back onto the bed."

Sheppard sighed and sat back onto the bed, kicking the covers away from his legs.

"Okay, this will sting a little so-" Beckett depressed the plunger and watched as the contents emptied.

Sheppard looked over to Beckett as he discarded of the syringe and blinked heavily, "I still feel hot."

"Give it a second," Beckett said as he helped Sheppard lie back down.

Sheppard blinked a few times and started to list backwards. After a few minutes of incoherent mumbling he settled into a deep sleep.

-----------------------------

Beckett had been up most of the night with Sheppard, trying to abate his fever and keep him calm whenever he cried out in his dreams. He was exhausted himself and when he finally pushed himself out of his office chair and resurfaced in the infirmary he wasn't surprised to see Teyla, Ronon, Mckay and Elizabeth.

"You look tired Carson," Elizabeth noted as Beckett came to stand beside them.

"Aye," he said rubbing his eyes, "Colonel Sheppard had a bit of a rough night."

"How is he doing now?" Teyla asked glancing over towards his bed.

Sheppard seemed to be sleeping comfortably for now, he was still, his hands resting atop the covers, his chest moving up and down rhythmically, but his face was still flushed red.

"He's got a fever as the result of an infection," Beckett informed them, "And he's been having some nasty nightmares, which he refuses to talk about."

"Do you think he should talk to Heightmeyer?" Elizabeth asked tearing her eyes away from Sheppard's bed.

"I do, but I don't think he'll talk to her," Beckett said as he scrubbed a hand over his face.

"Of course he wont," Mckay said with a sigh, "he doesn't even talk to us, his team, why would he talk to Kate?"

"Rodney," Ronon warned, when Sheppard stirred slightly.

"One of Sheppard's team mates reported that he hadn't seen Sheppard sleep while they were off-world. The man had exahusted himself to the point where his immune system is having a hard time fighting off this infection."

"It has something to do with the time he had away," Mckay said loudly.

Beckett turned to Sheppard's bed and held a hand up to silence Mckay.

Mckay opened his mouth to protest when Sheppard started to call out to an invisible enemy. He swiped his hand out as if he was trying to fight somebody off and as a result of his thrashing his I.V line became disconnected, and a rivulet of blood started to dribble across his hand.

"No!" he called out, eyes wide open, but unseeing.

Ronon and Beckett ran over to him.

"I need you to keep him still," Beckett said as he called for some Haldol.

Ronon planted a heavy hand down onto Sheppard's chest, careful not to cause him pain, but he contniued to move despite the pressure, "I _need_ to get them to safety!" Sheppard shouted at the top of his lungs.

"What's happening?" Elizabeth called out, worry marking her face.

"He's having another hallucination," Beckett replied quickly.

Teyla stepped forward and reached for Sheppard's hand, "John, you are okay. You are in Atlantis. You are safe."

"He's not going to hear that," Mckay said in a derrisive voice. He was pacing back and forth and everyone knew that his snapping was a result of his concern.

"Keep talking love," Beckett said as the nurse passed him some Haldol.

Sheppard suddenly met Ronon's eyes and shouted, "Are Cole and Martins okay?"

-------------------------

Elizabeth crossed the docking bay, weaved her way through the various boxes of supplies and new personnel and found Colonel Caldwell talking to one of the Daedalus's engineers. When he spotted her, he broke off from his conversation to meet her.

"Doctor Weir."

"Colonel, it's good to have you back," Elizabeth remarked as she stepped out of the way of two men carrying boxes.

"Well it was a quick trip," Caldwell noted with a nod, "but Atlantis' coffee supply is replenished one more."

"Ah, no more complaints from the science department then," Elizabeth said with a smile.

Elizabeth looked over to the Daedalus and shook her head, "I don't think I'll ever get used to seeing that."

Caldwell turned back to his ship and smiled, "Me either."

A comfortable silence borne of mutual respect passed between them as they walked through the bay.

"How is Colonel Sheppard?" Caldwell asked.

Elizabeth didn't know why, but she found it slightly odd that Cadlwell was showing concern for Sheppard. They had never been friends and they had clashed on several occasions, but his unprompted concern was, well frankly, concerning.

"He's in the infirmary, but Carson is positive he'll make a full recovery."

"Is he awake?" Caldwell asked her.

"Not at the moment. Carson had to put him under sedation."

"That's a shame." Caldwell said, "I bought him a visitor."

"Oh?"

Caldwell turned and called over a young man. What was noticable about his appearance was that he had a number of cuts and scratches marring his face. He also had a sizeable bruise along his jaw.

Elizabeth tore her eyes away long enough for Caldwell to make introductions.

"Doctor Elizabeth Weir meet Lt Laraby."

"Hello Ma'am," Laraby stated with a polite nod.

--------------------

TBC

not too many chapters left now. I estimate two or three...

Any mistakes are mine as i operate without a beta...yeah...i live on the edge!!

PLEASE REVIEW


	16. Chapter 16

_Thanks for all of the wonderful reviews I've been receiving. I guess I'm doing something right with this one :D _

_One more chapter to go after this one._

---------------------------------------------------------

When Laraby arrived at the infirmary, he was surprised to see so many people milling around the waiting area.

One of them was a middle aged man who was waving his hands around while pacing back and forth and moaning unremittingly, "He shouldn't have thrown us out. We were helping him," he alleged in a weary voice.

A large hulking man with dreadlocks, who was leaning casually against the wall, looked up and stated, "He only threw _you_ out."

"Ha _ha_ Ronon, very funny," the man said with a sigh.

"Doctor Mckay, perhaps you should sit down," a dark woman suggested.

Laraby found his eyebrows rising in surprise. _This_ was the famous Doctor Rodney Mckay whom Colonel Sheppard had spoken so highly.

The man was a mess, babbling only just coherently with his hands waving around the air as if they had a life of their own. At the moment, it seemed doubtful that this man standing before him had ever conceived a rational or logical thought in his life.

Doctor Mckay turned suddenly, apparently sensing that he was being watched.

"You!" Mckay said pointing an accusatory finger and shaking his head.

This Doctor seemed to recognise him and yet Laraby had never met the man in his life.

Laraby shuffled his feet uncomfortably and cleared his throat, "I'm here to see Colonel Sheppard."

"What are you doing here?" Mckay said crossing his arms over his chest.

"I'm here to see-" Laraby began.

"Well, Colonel Sheppard isn't very well at the moment so you'll have to come back later. That's if he even wants to see you after what you did to him. "

Laraby was confused. What he did to him? Had Colonel Sheppard told him about Afghanistan?

"Rodney?" the dark haired woman warned as she stood up.

"Doctor Weir said that I could visit him," Laraby stated in an uncertain voice.

"Look, he's not-"

A shriek sliced through Mckay's sentence and cut him off.

"No!…" the pleading voice said loudly, "No……."

Laraby felt his stomach twist in a note of unexpected sympathy and he moved towards the infirmary door.

"What are you doing?" Mckay asked him in a weary tone.

Laraby shot him a look and then barrelled into the infirmary without answering.

It was unlike any infirmary he had been to before. It didn't have the sterile atmosphere that hospitals generally had, but it did smell overpoweringly of antiseptic and cleaning products.

He followed the source of the anguished noise, glancing through the cracks in other curtains as he passed. Something clattered to the floor up ahead and a bedpan slid across the floor and settled at his feet.

He finally found what he was looking for and discovered a Doctor and a Nurse trying to hold Sheppard down as they spoke soothingly to him.

Laraby stooped to pick up the bedpan and placed it on an instrument tray to his side. The Doctor, alerted by his movements, stiffened and looked up.

"Son, you'll have to wait outside," the Doctor instructed him in a Scottish brogue.

Laraby met Sheppard's eyes and for a second fell completely motionless and unable to speak. The man who had guided him on that ill-fated mission was staring at him with wild eyes, his face was unhealthily flustered, his chin was bruised and stitched and his bare legs had kicked away the covers and were flailing helplessly.

He hardly recognised him.

"Uh, Doc, I 'd like to help," Laraby offered as Sheppard struggled under their grip.

"Cole!" Sheppard shouted, toes curling, fingers digging into the nurse's hands.

She yelped and took a step back, relinquishing her grip on Sheppard and allowing his hand to slam down onto the beds railing with a thud.

Laraby stepped over to the nurse and placed a hand on her shoulder, "Please, let me help."

The nurse gave the Doctor a quick look and the Doctor merely nodded, obviously struggling to control Sheppard, and reaching desperate measures.

"Wraith!" Sheppard called out as he broke from free from Beckett's hands and tried to dive off the bed.

Laraby managed to grab Sheppard by his gown and yank him back onto the bed. He noticed that the one side of his gown was soaked through with blood.

"I didn't uh-"

"I know," the Doctor said, "He's torn his stitches."

Laraby nodded and swallowed, thankful that his rough treatment hadn't resulted in such a gory injury.

"What happened?" Laraby asked.

"There was an accident off-world. He was shot."

Laraby narrowed his eyes and watched Sheppard as he struggled.

"Who are you son?" the Doctor asked.

"Lt Laraby. I served with Sheppard recently."

"When he went home?"

"Yeah."

"Well, I'm glad he has a friend here to help right now."

Laraby felt an unusual surge of guilt rush through his veins in the face of Sheppard's friends.

"I'm Doctor Beckett, I'd shake ya hand but I'm a bit busy," Beckett smiled as Sheppard groaned.

"Cole…….dammit!…..Martins!"

"You think you can help?" Beckett asked as Sheppard bucked under his hands.

"I think so."

Laraby placed a firm hand on Sheppard's shoulder and moved in close to usher in a low voice, "Sir," he hesitated briefly and then said, "It's over."

Sheppard whipped his head around to the voice and reached up to grab a fistful of Laraby's uniform," Did you get them out?" he asked unseeingly.

Laraby looked up at Beckett, who was watching him closely with an expression of confusion, and then turned back to Sheppard, "We didn't get them out _remember_?"

Sheppard's eyes were darting all over the place, his face slick with sweat.

"You're on Atlantis. We got off the ship. We made it out alive. You and me Sir."

"No!" Sheppard said in a low voice and turned away.

Laraby took Sheppard's face and gently turned his head back towards him, "Sir. We got out."

Sheppard's gaze wandered briefly before he met Laraby's eyes and his breathing started to slow, "Laraby?"

Laraby nodded, "Yes Sir."

"You're-"

"I'm on Atlantis. Arrived with the new shipment this morning."

"We didn't get them out," Sheppard said in a defeated voice.

Laraby looked up at Beckett nervously and then answered, all the while wondering if he had inadvertently given away too much, "No."

"And I didn't get King and Adams out."

Laraby narrowed his eyes and looked up at Beckett. He didn't know who he was referring to.

"Two new recruits who died off-world when-"

Laraby understood, "Oh."

Sheppard rolled his head, saw Beckett and licked his lips, "Doc?" he asked in a voice marked with confusion.

"Aye."

"What's going on?" he said struggling feebly against their loose grips.

"You've got a nasty fever Colonel."

"Hot," Sheppard said blinking slowly.

"I'm going to give you something to help you sleep if you'll let me."

Sheppard wiped a hand across his face and groaned, "Sure………sorry."

"That's okay."

A frown creased Sheppard's brow and he stared up at the ceiling, "Thought I was……" he closed his eyes and took in a deep cleansing breath.

"What was that all about?" Beckett asked.

"You had to be there," Laraby said in a distracted voice as he watched Sheppard.

"I've given you a sedative Colonel. It should take effect in a few minutes and you'll be able to get some much needed rest."

"Thanks," Sheppard rasped in a weak voice.

"Thank you for your help Lt," Beckett said as he released Sheppard's wrists, "He should be okay now."

Laraby watched as Beckett left and he was just about to depart himself when Sheppard called him back over, "Uh…..Lt?"

"Yes Sir?"

"Can…….. you……. stay here?"

"Wouldn't you rather have one of your friends sitting with you?"

"No," Sheppard said, "Not right now."

"I really think-"

"No," Sheppard said firmly, "Please. I need you to stay in case I say something in my sleep."

--------------------------

Laraby wasn't exactly close to Colonel Sheppard, nor could the man really be regarded as a friend. As it was they had shared a disturbing experience, had lost members of their team and had become unified as a result. In light of that, Laraby had come to respect Sheppard. Unexpected as that may seem.

He still didn't forgive him for being the cause of a friend's death, and he was doubtful if he ever could.

Laraby stood, arched his aching back and started towards the exit. He had only taken a few steps when Sheppard awoke with a bone chilling cry.

Laraby turned and ran back over to the bed without breaking step.

"Colonel?" he called out as Sheppard thrashed under the covers and waved his hands out.

"No!" Sheppard cried, "Get this thing off me!"

Sheppard reached up and started to scratch at his neck. Within a few seconds, his neck was red raw and bleeding.

"Get it off!"

Laraby didn't know what Sheppard was seeing but by the sounds of it, it was horrific.

"Doctor Beckett!"

----------------------------------

Beckett awoke suddenly, cricking his neck when he raised his head in response to someone calling his name. He scrubbed a hand over his face, grappled with his chair as he pushed himself from behind his desk and rushed through the infirmary to find Lt Laraby holding down Sheppard again.

Beckett placed his hand on Sheppard's forehead and wasn't surprised to feel that he was excessively hot again.

"Okay," Beckett said as he pulled on some latex gloves, "I'll have to give him something to sedate him."

"Can I help?" Laraby asked as he watched the Doctor run over to a supplies cart.

Beckett retrieved what he was looking for and returned quickly, throwing Laraby a rag, "Soak it in cold water and place it on the Colonel's forehead."

When Laraby had returned, Sheppard was beginning to stop his frantic fighting and was settling back onto the pillow and into a less animated sleep.

"Is he okay?" Laraby asked as he blew out some air.

Beckett pulled off his gloves, "He'll be fine once this fever lets go of him."

"He was…" Laraby paused and wondered whether to ask the question that was on his mind.

"What is it son?" Beckett asked in a soothing voice.

"Before…….you got here he was scratching at his neck and….."

Beckett's mouth pursed into a tight line and his face became grim, "Aye."

"And he mentioned Sumner…..I………." He was at a loss for words.

"Colonel Sheppard had a nasty incident with something called an Iratus bug a few years ago."

"Iratus bug?" Laraby asked testing the words.

"Aye, it attached itself to his neck and proceeded to suck the life from him. Like a wraith. We had to intervene with the defibrillators and essentially kill him to get the bugger off."

Laraby swallowed hard.

"He's had nightmares ever since, not that he ever talks about them mind you. Too busy worrying about everyone else."

And Sumner?" Laraby was reluctant to hear the answer.

"Maybe you should ask him about that one. Colonel Sumner was the initial Commanding Officer on this expedition and let's just say he…met an untimely end."

Laraby shook his head numbly.

"I beat him up," Laraby blurted out before he could stop himself.

"I'm sorry son?" Beckett asked as he steered him away from the bed.

"Back on earth. I was angry with him because…….because of something he did and I'm starting to realise that I…..I made a judgement call about him that…it seems…..wrong now."

"Well, I can't comment on what happened while he was back on earth, nor can I comment on what you did to him, but I can tell you, Colonel Sheppard cares deeply about everything that happens around him. He doesn't talk about it, he conceals it well, but he does care and believe me Lt, it eats him up inside. These recurring nightmares aren't new."

Laraby turned back to Sheppard and closed his eyes.

"You look tired. You should get some sleep. I'll sit with the Colonel in case he wakes up again."

Laraby nodded even as a million different thoughts collided in his head. It would seem that so much had happened here on Atlantis, so much that he didn't know about.

The picture that he had cultivated of Sheppard for so many years seemed to be deteriorating before his very eyes and he wasn't sure what to think anymore.

"I'll be back tomorrow."

--------------------------------

Mckay entered Sheppard's quarters and immediately called out, "Are you in here?" before stalking over to the bathroom, palming the door open and then sighing when it was empty.

He circled Sheppard's room and then angrily tapped his earpiece.

"He's not here. Any luck on your end?"

"He's not in the gym," Teyla answered quickly as she walked.

"Well, of course he isn't," Mckay sighed as he exited Sheppard's room, "The man has just got over a fever, he couldn't bench-press a kitten right now."

"Why would you bench-press a kitten?" Ronon's voice came over the radio and joined their conversation.

"It was just a phrase….I don't mean he would……." He shook his head.

"Whether he is able to _bench-press kittens_ or not, he was strong enough to leave the infirmary all by himself," Teyla argued in a soft voice.

"Can we stop talking about kittens? Just find him," Mckay snapped as he walked.

As soon as Ronon and Teyla had signed off Mckay contacted Lorne, "Anything?"  
"Not yet Doctor Mckay. We've checked almost everywhere he could be."

"Obviously not or you would have found him," Mckay said in a frustrated tone.

"Point taken Doctor."

"Well Carson says he's still weak from the fever so he could be passed out somewhere or-"

"We'll find him," Lorne reassured him.

"We better."

TBC

Please review.


	17. Chapter 17

_Here it is. The final chapter. I want to say thank you for everyone's reviews constructive or congratulatory or otherwise. I always enjoy seeing **review alert** in my inbox. Hope you enjoyed reading this._

_---------------------------_

Laraby had managed to get _himself_ lost in the process of searching for Sheppard, so it was a stroke of luck when he palmed one of the doors open onto a balcony and found Colonel Sheppard, dressed in scrubs, and leaning against the railing. Even with his back to him, Laraby could see that the Colonel was shivering and battling just to stay upright.

He reached up to his earpiece, "This is-"

"Don't," Sheppard strangled out of his throat before Laraby could continue.

"Sir, are you okay?" Laraby asked as he joined him by the railing.

He watched his CO's arms tremble involuntarily.

Sheppard didn't answer, he just continued to stare out at the sea.

"I really think you should get back to the infirmary."

"I'm fine," Sheppard said standing up straighter as if to make a point.

"Everyone's looking for you."

"I'm sure they are," Sheppard muttered, "I'll go back in a minute."

Silence fell between them and Laraby broke it.

"Do you mind if I stay?"

Sheppard turned to him with a weary smile and said, "Sure. Knock yourself out."

The sea was crashing loudly below and sea spray, having hitched a ride on the wind, swirled in the air.

"If you don't mind me asking Sir. Why are you out here?"

Sheppard was gripping the railing tightly and leaning heavily, "Just needed some fresh air."

"I think Doctor Mckay is going to be pissed with you."

Sheppard chuckled, "He's always pissed with me. No, it's Carson you have to watch out for."

"Has all the pointy needles right?" Laraby asked as he looked down at the swirling sea.

Laraby pulled his jacket around his neck to shield it from the biting wind. He noted that Sheppard's skin was prickled with goose bumps but stubbornness was keeping him rooted to the spot.

"I lost two men off-world in a wraith attack," Sheppard said as he stared out at the horizon.

"King and Adams?" Laraby enquired as he leaned against the railing. He had heard Sheppard call out their names on one of his watches.

"Yeah. Quite a body count I have now." He shook his head, "They'll never learn."

"Who?"

"The new recruits. Earth," he sighed wearily and turned to look at Laraby.

Laraby could see that he had dark circles under his eyes that were betraying the Colonel's true physical state. He was exhausted.

"Nobody can be prepared for the wraith. You saw that right?"

Laraby nodded, "Yeah, I did."

He could see that Colonel Sheppard desperately needed to be reassured that he had done all that he could have under the circumstances. Laraby at the time had dismissed his concerns and been slow to follow his orders out in Afghanistan, but now the truth was gradually being revealed to him.

"So, how do I make them….get it?" Sheppard asked as he released the railing.

Laraby watched Sheppard, expecting him to fall, but was surprised when he managed to stand without the aid of support.

"That's what I've been thinking about. How to make them _see_ the real threat." Sheppard held a hand protectively over his side, "Ah, I don't know. "

"I could talk to your new recruits if you wanted," Laraby suggested.

He didn't like public speaking, in fact, he hated it, but Sheppard was right. Perhaps if he could connect with the new recruits and explain to them the threat the wraith posed they might actually listen.

"You'd do that?"

Laraby had to wonder if it was his guilt that was making him more receptive to Sheppard.

"Yeah."

Sheppard leant against the railing again and resumed his shivering. Again, a thin sheen of sweat was popping up on his forehead.

"Have you told them about Afghanistan?" Laraby asked.

"No," Sheppard said.

"Are you going to?"

"I don't know. I signed a confidentiality clause with the SGC _shadow_ committee, if I tell people on Atlantis they have the power to relieve me of my position."

"You don't want to end up like Colonel Stark huh?"

"You heard?"

"Yeah," Laraby stated.

Laraby watched as Sheppard's eyes closed suddenly and he seemed to sag. He reached out and tucked an arm around Sheppard's waist before he could topple over.

"Thanks," Sheppard said weakly.

"I'll call Doctor Beckett."

Sheppard looked down at his side and cursed, "Yeah, I think you better had."

Blood had seeped through his scrub top.

----------------------------

As Sheppard was wheeled back into the infirmary he hung his head and cringed when he saw Mckay, Ronon, Teyla and Elizabeth all standing by his bed and waiting for him.

"Colonel M.I.A returns," Mckay announced as Sheppard was helped back onto his bed.

"I'm sorry," Sheppard said as Beckett helped him get more comfortable.

"You worried us all, John," Elizabeth said.

"I was only gone for an hour or…….so," Sheppard defended as Beckett pulled up his scrubs top and started to examine his torn stitches.

"Well, I'm going to have to re-stitch this….again," Beckett said with a shake of his head.

"I'm sorry," Sheppard said again, "I just needed to get out of here for a while."

"You could have asked one of us," Mckay said.

"He should have asked me," Beckett stated.

"And I'm _sorry_. I was feeling better, I wanted some air, I should have told all of you and I didn't. I won't do it again."

"We are only concerned for your welfare," Teyla said with a small smile.

"We did not want you to bench-press any kittens," Ronon said.

"Well I'm-" Sheppard stopped speaking and tilted his head, "Did you just say-"

"Yes, he said bench-press kittens. So, what's this Laraby character doing here?" Mckay asked as the rest of the team filtered off and Beckett disappeared to get the equipment to re-suture Sheppard's wound.

"Laraby?" Sheppard asked as he attempted to get more comfortable.

"Yes, you know, the guy I watched beat you up when you touched that device."

Mckay sat down next to his bed and crossed his arms over his chest, "Well?"

"Well…."Sheppard repeated.

"This is the part where you explain why he's here."

"Oh," Sheppard nodded, "We've sorted that out."

"What?"

"Look Rodney. You'll find out in time."

Mckay raised his eyebrows.

"And look, here's Carson with the suture kit," Sheppard said, breathing a sigh of a relief.

-------------------------------

_Two weeks later:_

Sheppard entered his quarters and scanned the room with a look of disdain. His two week old laundry was still on his floor. He was surprised that they hadn't walked themselves down to the laundry room by now. Actually, he was more disappointed that his friends hadn't done it for him.

He dropped down onto his bed slowly, grimacing as his side pulled and realised that he was thoroughly exhausted. Although he had managed to battle the infection, his side was still going to take a further few weeks to fully heal.

A knock at his door had him pushing himself back up and sluggishly meandering over to the door.

"Laraby?"

"Sir," Laraby glanced behind him nervously and then said, "Can I come in?"

Sheppard stood aside, "If you don't mind the mess."

Laraby walked in, acknowledged the pile of his CO's underpants, and then turned to Sheppard as he closed the door.

"Good to see you up and about," Laraby said.

Sheppard walked over to the chair by his desk and sat down, "Well, I'm still not completely recovered but I think Carson was getting a little annoyed with me."

Laraby nodded.

"What's on your mind Lt?"

"This," Laraby said reaching into his jacket pocket and passing Sheppard the data storage device.

Sheppard turned it over in his hands and looked up with raised eyebrows.

"You'd forgotten I had it," Laraby stated.

"What with the nearly dying and everything," Sheppard said standing up and pacing.

"Well you said to guard it with my life. I figured that you would want it back."

Sheppard licked his lips thoughtfully, "You should give this to Mckay."

"I should?"

"Yeah, let him look it over."

"But-"

"Not yet," Sheppard said, "I'm not going to tell them yet."

"But you are going to tell them."

"Yeah."

---------------------------

Sheppard was in the gateroom. His recruits lined up in front of him, waiting expectantly for him to say something. Sheppard was attempting to fake the gait of a man who was healthy and well and who could command his troops. Today he wasn't pulling it off and as he stood in front of their gazes he could feel his stomach roiling and his head spinning. He looked more like a drunk with the way he was reeling left and right. He should have waited until he was completely healed, but he had waited long enough. His new recruits had yet to have their formal induction and he would be damned if a bullet wound to his side was going to stop him.

"Well," he started.

His voice sounded scratchy and pre-pubescant, not the commanding voice he was going for. He tried again, "Well, you all know why you're here," he said starting to pace.

He stopped, closed his eyes and swallowed against another bout of nausea. The pain medication he had been given by Beckett was making him feel like crap, but he wasn't the type of person to lie in bed and bemoan that fact until he was well again.

No, there were things to be done.

"Sir?" one of his recruits was stepping forward, "Are you okay?"

Sheppard snapped his eyes open and squinted against the sudden brightness of the room lights, "I'm fine," he smiled.

The recruit stepped back into line and shared a nervous glance with his team mate.

"You know the role of the military here," he said swallowing hard, "To maintain safety, order, to protect the many civilians we have living here." He stopped and thought about what he was saying. It was all coming out wrong. He wanted to sound commanding and look commanding, instead he was feeling green. He bent forward, blew out some air and then tried to straighten up again, "We're the backbone of this expedition-" he started to say and felt the dizziness begin to take hold of him.

He scanned the faces and saw the Jefferies and the rest of the men from the off-world mission. He had requested that they attend this meeting for the new men, after all, they had to start from the beginning and re-learn everything. They hadn't seemed to take it in the first time.

"The wraith are a real threat here in the Pegasus Galaxy," Sheppard said in a loud voice, "just ask Jeffereies here."

He couldn't help but smile as all of his men turned to get a look at Jefferies.

Jefferie's eyes widened and his mouth gaped open.

"Isn't that right?"

"Yes Sir."

"So, if you have any questions about the wraith, Jefferies is the man to ask. Room 57 isn't it?"

"Uh, Yes Sir."

Unexpectedly, Sheppard felt himslef stumble and somebody caught him by the elbow before he could go down. He looked up expecting it to be one of his recruits, but instead it was much worse.

It was Colonel Caldwell.

"Are you okay to do this?" Caldwell whispered so nobody could hear, all the while still holding Sheppards elbow.

Sheppard tried to extricate from Caldwell's grip as gently as possible without it looking like a flinch and stood straight, "Im fine." He whispered back looking at his recruits.

"It doesn't look that way. If you had told me you were ill I would have conducted the welcome."

"Its important that their commanding officer is here when-" he stopped and reached up to push the pads of his thumbs into his eyes.

"Colonel, I suggest you go have a lie down. We could reschedule this meeting-"

"No!" Sheppard suddenly snapped.

As soon as he had spoken he regretted it, especially as his voice seemed to echo around the gateroom threefold, "No," he said trying to bring his voice down to an acceptable level.

"You're ill."

Sheppard examined the look in Caldwell's eyes and for once there wasn't the stern, indifference he usually saw. There was something else. Caldwell actually seemed concerned.

"I'm handling this."

"You've only just been released from the infirmary. Your men will understand-"

Sheppard turned and steered Caldwell with him, "I'm trying to get across the importance of-"

"The chain of command?" Caldwell asked with a wry grin.

Sheppard nodded not missing the implied joke.

"Look Colonel. The Commanding officer of atlantis needs to be in the best health. You should take it easy. We can resched-"

Caldwell had referred to him as the CO of Atlantis. He realised that Caldwell was trying to help him out.

"We wont rescedule. You…."Sheppard faltered, "You do this," he said gesturing to his men.

Caldwell look surprised.

As Sheppard walked off he heard Caldwell say, "Colonel Sheppard has some matters to attend to so if you don't mind I will be answering questions you may have-"

------------------

As Sheppard negotiated the corridors of Atlantis his earpiece was activated and Mckay's voice came over the airwaves.

"Colonel?"

"Yes Rodney?" Sheppard asked as he drank some water from a bottle.

Getting out from under the glare of his men and having a quick lie down had down the world for him.

"You have got to get down to my lab."

"What's up?"

"Well, you know that shady character Laraby?"

"Yes Rodney," Sheppard asked knowing what he was going to say.

"You're not going to believe what he handed me!"

Sheppard entered Mckay's lab and de-activated his earpiece, "Wraith data storage device?"

Mckay, who had had his back to him, twisted on his heel, "What!?"

"That's what Laraby handed you."

"How did you….." Mckay looked at the floor with a defeated expression, "You ruined my surprise!"

"Sorry," Sheppard said as he leant against one of the lab's tables.

"How do you know about this?" Mckay asked as he walked over to his laptop and typed in a few commands.

"Because he got it off me."

Mckay looked like he was going to implode, "What!?"

"That's why I came here," Sheppard said as he walked towards the door, "Come to the conference room at 1500 hours and bring what you've found."

-------------------------------

Sheppard felt nervous as he watched Elizabeth, Caldwell, Teyla, Ronon, Beckett, Laraby and Mckay file into the conference room.

When they were seated and settled, Sheppard closed the door and turned to them, "You might be wondering why I asked you all here-"

"I was," Elizabeth said clasping her hands and leaning forwards.

"Me too," Mckay said, crossing his arms.

"Well, I'm not supposed to tell you any of this, but I think you deserve to know."

Caldwell met his eyes and Sheppard nodded.

He spent a few minutes re-ordering his thoughts.

"I was recalled back to earth to lead a mission into Afghanistan and…" he paused, "to search and destroy a wraith hive ship."

"What?" Mckay asked.

Teyla and Ronon shared a quick look and Caldwell simply nodded in confirmation. He had guessed that that was what he had beamed Sheppard out of.

"Why weren't we informed about this?" Elizabeth asked, her eyes narrowing, the hurt palpable in her eyes.

"Because the SGC's shadow committee let the Air Force deal with it, so the SGC itself wasn't aware."

Sheppard leaned against the table and stared down at his palms, "Anyway, it was believed that there were no wraith in the hive ship but-"

"There were," Laraby interjected, "Lots of them and they killed the rest of our men."

"How many?" Teyla asked sadly.

"Four and three special ops," Laraby answered before Sheppard could.

"Oh my god," Elizabeth said in a low voice.

"We managed to destroy the ship and-"

"Retrieve a wraith data storage device," Mckay added at the last moment.

Sheppard nodded.

Mckay stood up and turned his laptop around for everyone to see, "This device has given us a wealth of information about the positions of hive ships, schematics…………….."

-----------------------------------------

It was late and the commissary was quiet when Sheppard sat down on his favourite table.

He breathed out and took a swig of his tea.

Silently Laraby sat down opposite him with a mug of coffee.

Sheppard acknowledged him and sipped his tea.

"Glad you told them?" Laraby asked.

Sheppard looked at him over the rim of his mug, his eyes telling him he was.

Laraby placed his mug on the table and placed his palms face down, "Sir," he started, "I just want you to know that……….I was wrong about you."

Sheppard placed his own mug down, "You were?"

"Yeah, I'm pretty convinced."

Laraby sighed uncomfortably and got to his feet, "Well, I'm going to have an early night. Got that speech tomorrow for the new recruits."

Sheppard smiled and drank his tea.

"Goodnight Sir."

When Laraby had gone Sheppard yawned and said, "Goodnight Lt."

Tonight he might actually sleep.

**THE END**

_Thank you, thank you, thank you for the reviews. I do hope you enjoyed my ending and I'm pretty sure I tied everything up. I really felt it was time to draw it to a close. It's been difficult to write at the best of times._

_Look out for my next story. _


End file.
